Should I be saying/doing something?

[Frith1975]

Divorced nearly 13 years ago after massively abusive marriage ending in women’s refuge. He fought the divorce at every step, called police, social services, spread lies about me. Has ramped up criminal record since I left, not worked so won’t need to pay child maintenance. Saw the children for tea in the week and EOW.

Contact poor with children seeing him treat his new girlfriends badly (e.g he chopped all his girlfriend’s knickers up in front of them), poor food, filthy dirty ho

Oops!

Filthy dirty HOUSE etc.

After all these years, oldest child still hero worships him but won’t stay overnight or shower there because it’s too dirty (think dog wee). Younger Child ran away from the house on Christmas Day (in his socks) and hasn’t been since.

Youngest is 14 and hasn’t heard a word from his father since December. I went to pick up the oldest the other day and the ex turned his back on the youngest (who remained in my car) and didn’t wave to him.

My question is -should I be doing something about this? Cutting contact legally? What should I say to my younger child to boost him up a bit? He sees right through his father’s lies and behaviour but it does seem to have come to rather an abrupt stop.

Yes, you should. This sounds like an unsafe environment. So you do need to act. It is important to do it the right way - so avoid unilaterally withdrawing access. Instead, I would start with a discussion with your ex about your concerns, if you are able to do that. See if he recognises the problems and will commit to improving the situation.

I would also suggest that you raise your concerns with social services. The school can help you connect with them - make an appointment to speak to the school's designated safeguarding lead (they can tell you who this is), and ask for a referral to the Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH). They will review your concerns, nd can initiate an assessment of living arrangements to determine whether they are safe, or whether steps need to be taken to safeguard the children. That could involve working with your ex to tackle the issues identified, or banning him from having them at his house if he won't co-operate.

Going down this route will ensure that your family gets the support it needs, while avoiding any risk of court action from your ex if you act to restrict contact without engaging with relevant safeguarding authorities.

Do you have a court order ?

I am assuming oldest is about 16 . Does 14 year old want to see dad or not ? At 14 if he doesn’t want to go courts would listen to him .

14 year old does not want to go. Oldest is 17 and goes because he says he will feel guilty if he doesn’t. He still goes on the days in the court order but only for 20 mins to an hour at a time.

I do not speak to the ex (haven’t for 14 years) due to PTSD.

Should have said there have been years before when the children have not seen him - through his choice or when ordered by the courts when his behaviour was particularly poor and when he had a violent heroin addict living with him.