Isolated and lonely

[Mharte]

I have a beautiful baby boy of 10 months and although I imagined this time to be so special I have been through the toughest few months. From all of it I am left completely isolated and incredibly lonely and really unsure what to do.
I split with the father when the baby was 11 weeks old due to unimaginable lies coming out and crushing the foundations of a ‘perfect’ relationship. He doesn’t see the baby and rarely supports me financially.
All of my friends have their own lives and forgotten that I exist and although I have tried to reach out to them as subtly as possible I rarely see or hear from them.
My mum was my only method of support but recently felt the strain on our relationship as I have been stressed and down and so cut ties with me in a way. So I have chose to except this as after all she has raised her babies and at a time of life where she needs to relax.
I don’t return to work until aug and feel that I am not only scared of leaving my little boy but speaking to others now feels so daunting.
Days and days go by and I may not get to speak to anyone but my little boy. I have taken myself off social media as it was depressing me and feel embarrassed to ask for my mates help again considering a social circle has ‘fell out’ with me for not being available to join them on nights out due to not having a babysitter.
Please someone tell me this gets easier and I won’t have to just live as a hermit. I feel that this will eventually effect my little man and it’s scares me.

What a difficult time you have had, I'm not surprised you feel on your own in all this. Over time this will change, perhaps things will ease with your mum who sounds like she was also feeling overwhelmed, and you'll go back to work and to the social experiences there, even though for the first few days it will feel odd. Can you go to any baby groups or play cafes in the meantime? You don't have to chat to anyone, but smile, get used to being around people again. You will make new friends again, you might find some of your old friends start having children themselves and being more understanding.

Oh my god this is really sad. I’m sorry you feel so lonely and isolated.

My baby is 5 months so I understand how it can be hard when your life has changed.

It will get easier, you will go back to work and form a routine. You Your LO will grow and become their own person which will create social opportunities if a

Posted too soon.

I do not always arrange meet ups with friends. But I have recently and i take LO along, for example a cafe or park.
I have joined baby groups and it has been nice to talk to other mothers about baby stuff.

How to you know your mother has distanced herself?
Is there anyone else in your support network you could spend time with?
Although it hard, try to remain positive when around others as this will help lift your mood and they may want to spend more time with you.
Are there any friends (new and old) with children you could ask for a play date?
Tell your friends how you feel? You could be surprised by their support.
Consider whether your depressed, the GP could help.

@thespringsthething at the moment I am feeling a little too depressed to go to baby groups. I had always wanted to bring my lb but at the time that they were on I had no extra money to send him so I couldn’t enroll him. There are some free ones but I feel so down I can’t seem to get there. It’s a scary feeling that you are going backwards into a shell and that soon feel that you won’t want to leave the house at all.
I have gained weight with all of this as my lb is at that age where I don’t get a minute to make healthy food or even eat until he is in bed. Then I am so exhausted I just end up eating rubbish.
With my friends I have a lot that actually gave birth with in the year I did and so Our little ones are roughly the same age. However I just find that we never get chance to meet up and now I am forgotten.

I have a party at the weekend and was going with my mum but now that she isnt speaking to me I don’t think I will go as stubbornly we are similar and I feel let down and misunderstood by her. She knows how isolated I am and how difficult my time has been with my ex (something I can’t let my friends know about) and yet now I have no support and it’s made me feel only worse.

I don’t want to head to the doctors as they will only give me pills so took up yoga at home but rarely get chance to do it with my lb being so demanding.
I feel nothing at all is working out for me.

Sorry if this sounds like a pity plea. I just really need some advice or inspiration to find a way out of all this.

mharte you sound like you are sinking into a depression, even just mildly- this can be PND and I wouldn't rule out pills if it helped you function. If you don't want to go the pill route, then you'd have to be really tough on yourself in terms of leaving the house, walking with the buggy to get fresh air, and so on otherwise it will only get worse. I'd see if you can have a chat with your HV and mention to them you are feeling isolated and down, and go from there. Or your GP. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world to reach out for help now.

@nikkibham my mum and I would speak everyday 2-3 times a day and she would call for a snuggle with her biggest fan. But this week she has stopped calling and hasn’t been in touch. She snapped at me on the phone the other day as I was letting her know the whereabouts of items she was looking for in a shop and told me to shut up so I left her too it saying that I would leave her too it and we would speak later. Haven’t heard from her since. She is stubborn and so am I possibly. But I have shown her at the weekend how vulnerable and difficult I am finding things and just feel like she has had enough of me now. Which is possibly the hardest thing out of all of this.

Also, I would go out every day with your LO, even if it just to the park, or the shops on your own. You need to leave the house otherwise you are going to get stuck. Perhaps baby groups are too much, that could be something to build towards, but some time outside everyday and a chat with the HV is the way to go I think.

Also- I doubt you are forgotten, more like your friends are in the middle of sleep deprivation and may be feeling down/lonely themselves, I found the first year of having a baby very very hard work and that was without PND. If they have partners, they may get the odd night out but don't be fooled, I doubt they have much to give right now in helping you when they are just surviving themselves.

The situation with your mum will resolve, but it does sound like she's pretty worn out too.

@thespringsthething I agree with you and I do feel like I am on that road which is why I am trying so hard to keep my distance from the doctor. However I think you could be right with the pills I just want to try self help first.
I make a conscious effort to walk somewhere each day with the baby just so I know he is getting out and having some fresh air. And this may just be to a shop to pick up so fresh food for his dinner but I make sure we get out. I just don’t feel like it’s helping much. When we do playtime at home I feel like I am not cheerful or talking to him and my concentration is not fully there anymore. It’s such a scary place to be at the moment.

True. I think I will leave my mum to come to terms with things and maybe take the pressure off her. We are extremely close and maybe that’s not helping her now. Maybe a little distance between us is what’s needed.

Mharte that's great that you go out every day, I get what you are saying, in itself it isn't solving everything, but it is still impressive when you could so easily just stay home.

It's not pills or self-help, you could do both.

I think the issue is you don't want to be really depressed by the time you are going back to work so that you can't go.

Talk with the HV, she won't make you take tablets but she will have some ideas of where you could get more support in your area. I'd talk to the GP, again, you don't have to take pills but you do have that option, better that than drifting towards depression without any social network (and I don't think that alone can pull you out, it's a chemical thing going wrong after birth really and even if you had lots of friends/social opportunities, you might still be depressed).

It sounds like the incident with your mom has prompted you to feel like this. It is normal for a mother and daughter to have a fall out, particularly if they have a close relationship. but you don’t know for sure whether she has had enough, this is only your perception.
Life is too short and she is your mom. Call her tomorrow and ask her how her day is going. But her some flowers/wine. Take LO to see his/her grandmother. Do what it takes because it sounds like you need and want your moms support.

Thank you both 💚 I appreciate your advice. I think I will call the doctors tomorrow and book in for next week. After all my little man deserves to be happy and I need to make sure he is around a lot of happiness- even if it is a smoke screen caused by medication

The thing with mum was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak as she was my last and only person I really had as support and the only one that truly knew how bad things are for me. The father has been emotionally abusing me for months and it's been really exhausting me. Now that I asked for the money he owed me as I am living on the CSA money alone he has gone completely silent and doesn't contact me at all.
I feel my head is all over the place and yet I am on auto mummy mode too living in fear that if I lose any more concentration whilst this little man's at this age either I will miss milestones or he will hurt himself whilst discovering the world crawling

I understand the feeling isolated. My little boy is only a couple months old and i've been finding it quite tough to settle into motherhood. Ive found the dramatic change in my life quite hard to cope with and i often feel like im going stir crazy being stuck in the house. I really know how you feel and its hard to talk to people because i don't want them to think im a bad mum. Dont get me wrong i love my son, but its so hard feeling trapped and isolated in the house xx

Do you think - and I'm new - that many men feel this way too? I moved away from a place and a job I loved to be near my child, essentially following an ex who clearly on had her own interests at heart - but found myself too old to readily make friends in old ways, and without knowing anyone where I am.

I've got an 8 month old son. His father wanted nothin to do with him blamed me for being pregnant said I was a liar and was wanting to do this as a way to be with him. We were casual, he was lying and cheating he has a gf. Reckons I'm off my head.

I only asked CMS to get maintenance bit cos he's self employed uses loopholes doesn't pay tax and so they dont think he earns more than £7 a week (ffs they are as stupid as anyone who believes that) but unfortunately I couldn't get anything. He Txt me kickin off that id told child maintenance he was the Dad. Thinks I'm off my head and obsessed with him

So he gets away with it but gives my name and number out I been getting crude messages. Informed police but unfortunately it's a PAYG phone so they can't attribute it to anyone and closed case. I know it's him his name was mentioned in Txt but they can't even spk to him as no proof. Why is he bothered doin all this.

I have recently moved out of my Mums so am going it alone first time. Flat for me and my son but some of his friends or him himself seen me move and Txt me "welcome to our * Road" that was not what I wanted first day moved.

So I find it very tough on my own anyway but have all that to deal with and yet again he gets away with it

Why do you still have the same number? Change it today!

Hi Mharte I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Feeling isolated does get you so down & when you have a baby to look after, it makes you feel you're not doing anything right. It does get better. I felt exactly the same as you years ago. I was a single parent with an 18 month old DS. DP & I were having major issues & he moved out. I had my family but they also has their own lives. It was just me & him for a long time. Walking to the shops to break up your day is a good idea. I always felt like it stopped us from feeling stuffy being in the house all day.
Maybe designate one day a week to have a picnic at the park? That might help to start organising yourself with healthy meals? I know what it's like when you're feeling so down that preparing food is such a chore.
Doctors sounds like a must. Even if you don't want the medication, you know that it's an option. You might feel better to tell someone how you're feeling other than your mum.
You'll work things out with your mum too. I had so many disagreements with her during that time. I cut my sister out of life for 6 months. It was mostly down to depression.

Once you take one step, it gets easier to take any others you want/need to.
Could you speak to your HV to see what is available for your DS? That way he has some time to explore without you? I mean, you'll still be there with him & he might gain some confidence & make it easier for you? My DS and I spent so much time together alone that he developed separation anxiety to a ridiculous scale.
It does get easier though. Fast forward 6 years & 2 more children later & school helped with meeting people. DS has made some firm friends, I've met some brilliant mums at the school that I can call my friends. And I never turn down a play date. I've got married in that time & still felt isolated at times so I never turn down a meet up to get out the house. If money/time isn't an issue.
Be kind to yourself & know that is won't always be this difficult. Ask for help & accept it. From anyone, either professional or personal. Get out as much as you can. Set yourself a goal for this week on something you want to achieve. It doesn't have to be anything big. Making a dinner from scratch that you normally enjoy? Painting with the baby? Having messy play? Anything that doesn't take too long/cost too much money but once you've done it, you'll feel like you've achieved something which will give you a boost. Keep us updated & I hope you do feel better soon