Solicitor advice

[tweedlezee]

So my ex and I have been split for 5 years this year. It’s not been easy and I have navigated this far on intuited the glorious internet. My ex and I share care of our children 50/50. We shared costs but I am currently paying for all school related items after a verbally abusive

Oops missed half my post! So the children share their time between our homes. The communication is limited between myself and my ex. We used to communicate more but it regularly dissolved into emotional abuse. My children have always been open about what they have been up to at their dads. Sometimes it can be difficult not to feel inflamed by some of their experiences with him but I have never raised issues with him in regards to their time spent their. Any disputes we have are usually over money or him avoiding making plans for his share of the child care during holiday times. I currently pay for all school related items after an incident of verbal abuse which resulted in me contacting the police (I was bullied into it despite there being official avenues open to my ex).
I have sucked it all up for 5 years now however my children have concerns.
My Ds is 8 and Dd is 6. Their father has a two year old ds with his partner of 2 and a half years. My son has been very quiet the last few weeks, he has been very self contained. I spoke to him whilst we were making dinner and he explained that his dads house has been difficult, that his dad and partner are fighting and that he lies in bed at night sometimes and hears shouting and swearing. We discussed this (adults swear, raising kids is hard, people need to work to control their emotions if they become abusive during arguments) trying not to minimise his experience but also not trying to escalate it either.
Independently of my ds my dd burst into tears in the car talking about a holiday with her dad. I asked her why she was crying and she said on the holiday, whilst out walking with her dd and his partner and family, during a fight her dad poured a bottle of water over his partners head. Apparently to ‘cheat her up’ I asked if it helped and she told me it made things worse and that her dad threatened to do it to her too.
I have navigated this alone for 5 years now so I have taken the decision to meet a solicitor to discuss my options.
I am here to ask if anyone has experienced anything similar? Or if anyone can advise me on how best to approach the solicitor appointment?
I am still not trying to go all out no contact because I don’t think completely cutting a parent out is more useful, but I would like to reduce contact where possible and my kids have asked me to speak to their teacher about what they saw as hey would like to see him a little bit less than they currently do. Thanks in advance xx

This doesn't sound good at all, I understand why you are concerned. You should definitely find out your options from a solicitor but as far as I am aware, courts will only change existing arrangements/reduce contact if there is a very, very good reason (examples I have read about are neglecting the child/drug or alcohol issues etc). As much as I would share your concern I don't see a court reducing contact because the DC's have seen fighting/swearing between their dad and his partner.

It is always good to keep the school in the loop with things like this, so that they can keep a closer eye if they are upset but ultimately there is nothing the school can do except provide support for your DC.

I'm guessing if he has been verbally abusive to you in the past then you don't feel comfortable discussing this with him? Or do you have any kind of relationship with his DP? Can't imagine she is happy about having water poured over her head either so she might be on your side with this (not reducing contact maybe, but speaking to your ex).

Should add that in any case, a court would want to see that you have tried all avenues available to sort it out yourself before court, meaning a discussion with your ex, through the lawyers if needed, and almost certainly mediation.

Yeh Our relationship became physically violent which is why I left. The police attended my home.
Currently we have no court order of any kind. We only have a ‘gentlemans’ agreement. We attended mediation 2 times and reached an agreement he has mostly torn up over the last 3 years.
I do not want to remove contact because a child needs both parents but maybe reduce the impact .
I have no relationship with his partner, we met once in a social setting (she came along to my sons 5th birthday and my daughters 6th) and see each there at hand overs (when their dad hasn’t been home). How on earth would I approach this subject with her? I am stuck on where to start! He has fought me very aggressively for a 50/50 share of contact and looking to reduce it would be deemed inflammatory. The children have requested it. My ds even asked if his step brother could come and stay too because he is worried about leaving him there. Eek!

I have contacted mediation to see if we can arrange something.

To be totally honest, unless something much more serious happens I don't think there is any chance of having contact reduced through the courts and it doesn't sound like your ex will voluntarily give up time if he fought for 50:50. It doesn't matter if you have a court order or a gentleman's agreement, whatever the current arrangement is will be considered the status quo and won't be deviated from without a very good reason and I don't think arguments would be enough. As far as I know, the wishes of the children aren't considered until they are a certain age, not sure what this is exactly but 12 rings a bell.

Mediation is certainly worth a shot, I would aim to speak to him about changing his behaviour in front of the DCs rather than pushing for a reduction in access. As you already said, he will probably respond quite negatively to that.

Gosh it’s mental!
How can we protect our children from witnessing violence in the home I wonder?
I wall a fine line between gaslighting him to my kids and agreeing he’s a prick. I am ‘the bigger person’ every day and I just yearn to protect their eyes from watching him have his hands around the neck of another woman.

I disagree with Holly but with a caveat. Your children need to discuss this with someone other than you. In a very similar situation at a similar age my DD mentioned to the school counsellor (she had not told me) and the safeguarding lead at school contacting me. They felt it was emotional abuse and my solicitor agreed that this was a reason to stop contact and social services since backed me up.
We had a 'gentleman's agreement' I stopped contact on the basis of the advice I was given and basically said take me to court. He never did.
I gradually restarted contact over a year and he did make an effort. Sadly he then deteriorated into the same behaviour at 13 DD choose to stop contact and it has not want to restart 18 months later.

as far as meeting with solicitor is concerned to save time (and money) it would be a good idea to bring with you a short written history - at the least a list of important dates - names - places you have lived -

also write down anything you want to ask
very easy to forget things in the moment