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Sleeping arrangements

30 replies

3girls1dog · 07/06/2018 10:19

My two daughters have their first overnight stay with their dad coming up and as he stays with his partner and her son in a two bedroom flat I’m wondering what things he has to put in place for them to have a good night sleep. The oldest of the two girls told me that she and her sister will be sleeping in the room with their dad and his partner which I’m not comfortable with as I know that having them there won’t put him off night time activities any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
NorthernSpirit · 07/06/2018 11:09

He doesn’t ‘have to’ put anything in place.

He can father the children as he sees fit (just like you do and he has no say or control in it whatsoever).

crayoladreamz · 07/06/2018 11:15

What northern spirit said. Imagine if he tried to police things like that that you did :(

He’s their parent.

Emmageddon · 07/06/2018 11:22

He's their dad. Not some random bloke. And why assume he's going to be shagging while they're in the room?

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 07/06/2018 11:31

Hi OP. I can understand the views of PPs but also understand your concerns, especially as this will be the first overnight stay. How old is the DS, and how old are your DDs? Also, how do you get along with your ex and his DP?

3girls1dog · 08/06/2018 18:56

I don’t understand the hostility for a simple question, I would never have a partner in the room with my children so I don’t think they should be objected to that elsewhere. Blackbeltinchildwrangling, I don’t get on with my ex at all as it was an abusive relationship and his partner has taken an abusive stance against me also, even in front of the girls, the DS is 9 and my DD’s are two and three and as far as I know he has to give them a room separate to himself and partner.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 08/06/2018 18:59

Do they have their own bed/beds in the room OP? I’d be a bit Hmm at that, if the new partner is in the room.

NorthernSpirit · 08/06/2018 19:36

He doesn’t have to do anything. You may not have a partner in the room with your kids (and I would be the same) but he can do as he sees fit. Are you still in the FMH? He could argue that he can’t afford larger accommodation as you remain in the family home.

FatCow2018 · 08/06/2018 19:39

There is no guidelines that say he has yo provide them with a seperate room. I get that you don't like him, but he can parent them as he sees fit, just as you can.

3girls1dog · 08/06/2018 20:23

I appreciate that and I am in no way questioning him this is just what I have been told by health visitor.

OP posts:
eve34 · 08/06/2018 21:33

There is no law saying the children have to have their own room. There is best practice when providing council housing I think as mixed genders get into their teens.

But as others have said. He can parent how he sees fit. As can you.

My kids are 11 and 6. He was seeing ow 12 and they have moved into a flat share. Our kids are sleeping on the floor next to them. I don't like any of it. I don't think they should even be spending time with ow yet. But that is up to him. I have sucked it up. Just as he has no right to tell me how to parent.

I know it is not right and I do know how you feel. And like your ex mine won't behave appropriately either unless he has had a brain transplant in the past six months.

I just have to wait for the kids to vote with their feet.

I am sorry you are in this situation and yours are so much younger.

BlackBeltInChildWrangling · 09/06/2018 12:33

The OP isn't saying she doesn't like him. She's saying it was/is an abusive relationship. That's two very different things. Moreover, there's a growing realisation in society and relevant professional organisations, of the impact of Domestic Abuse on DCs. Long overdue.

Hi again OP. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. I wonder if there are any court orders in place, social services involvement or support from Women's Aid for you because of the separation and abuse. You don't need to answer any of that here, but just to say it might give you some leverage in your situation if needed, and I hope you've got some support in real life, and someone to talk to about your concerns.

If you haven't got a SW, can your Health Visitor visit your ex and his partner, to make herself known to them and talk about the DCs' needs? My own advice to them would be to give their bedroom to the girls for overnight stays, and sleep in the lounge on a sofa bed or airbed etc. It's quite easy usually to make a bedroom child friendly and safe, even temporarily. It doesn't sound like you have the sort of relationship where you can suggest this to them?

If they choose to share with them, especially at this young age it is only not seen to be ok if there are significant safeguarding concerns. Given what you've said about your ex being abusive to you, and his partner being negative towards you, and in front of the girls, it's a situation I'd want to keep an eye on as a Mum, or as a professional involved. I also wonder how his current partner and her DS will fare with him in terms of abuse. Perhaps it's not been easy for the 9 year old so far.

All the best OP. I know it's a difficult situation for you, and I'm sure your first concern is for your DC. Concentrate your efforts on giving them a good, stable, loving home, and look after yourself too. Flowers

somuchbetter · 24/06/2018 22:43

@ northernspirit - you will need to stop trolling separated mums. They have genuine concerns and are trying to come to terms with difficult situations both for themselves and their children.
Find a therapist to unload your personal issues, you're not helping anybody!!

blublub · 29/06/2018 21:07

well said somuchbetter! Sick of reading northernspirites unhelpful and often hurtful replies.

KJliving · 02/07/2018 20:59

I would be horrified if I thought my kids were sharing a room with ex and new partner! Have only just joined this site and am already worried about the aggressive comments above, may unjointed quickly! My kids are teens and I don’t like the new girlfriend being there and staying overnight, they have had more than enough to deal with and he only sees them for one night, surely it’s time for them! Wondering if you could go through solicitor and put something in writing, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all

Whoknows11 · 02/07/2018 22:21

@somuchbetter completely agree with your comment. NorthernSpirit isn’t even a lone parent so not sure why they keep commenting on situations they have no personal experience with! They have said some pretty savage things on my posts recently and not quite sure what the aim was apart from obvious trolling!

Op I understand your concern, is feel the same. If there are safeguarding issues then the contact should be evaluated x

KJliving · 02/07/2018 22:33

Are there any admin monitoring posts? Can be really upsetting and people should be removed!

KJliving · 02/07/2018 22:35

Ps it could be a man commenting! Sounds very bitter!

Whoknows11 · 02/07/2018 22:57

Yes trolls should be removed!

NorthernSpirit talks about her step children and her partners ex wife so guessing she’s a she!

KJliving · 02/07/2018 23:24

Oh! Only supportive comments should be allowed. We’ve all been through enough!

Whoknows11 · 03/07/2018 08:07

And from what I can gather she doesn’t even have children!!!

GrayDays · 03/07/2018 09:03

Not sure what you all class as trolling, just because you don’t like someone disagreeing with you or what you want to hear.
There’s a lot worse people on here, especially the parent asking for advice but are actually causing a negative relationship with their dc and ex.
Also it’s obvious Op hates her ex, she thinks they will be bonking. Why would that come to anyone’s mine. Plus most people arent fond of people that abuse them.

KJliving · 03/07/2018 09:16

Oh so it’s ok then if there is a lot worse on here, let’s all be negative and put each other down then?? It’s not about having a different opinion, it’s saying it in a kind way.

GrayDays · 03/07/2018 11:16

Don’t twist my words!
You don’t like a comment so you say so, so why can’t someone else disagree?...
A kinda way, she agree that she doesn’t like the idea of sharing either but you missed that.
And if that’s so, why don’t you chill with your tone. You could of made your point in a kinda way!

KJliving · 03/07/2018 11:32

Not me who needs to chill, quite chilled thanks x

somuchbetter · 03/07/2018 22:10

GrayDays - An Internet troll is a member of an online social community who deliberately tries to disrupt, attack, offend or generally cause trouble within the community by posting certain comments, photos, video
Which is exactly what - northernspirit- does. He/she comments on posts by separated mothers who express concern about the father's behavior towards the children and invariably (and quite often rudely) declares they have no right to do so.
The comments appear to have no purpose other than to put down / attack the OP, which is pretty obvious, as they do not relate to the specifics of the situation and are rather unpleasant.

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