Letting my daughters dad have more access, jealous partner

[hanjol]

Hi 

This is my first post to bear with me, I don't know all the acronyms just yet!

I was going to say to cut a long story short but not sure I can shorten it lol.

Basically my daughter was born 7 years ago, during the pregnancy her dad wanted to move in and be a family, I wasn't in love so declined.

A few months after I gave birth I found out he had started seeing another girl, I found out because he'd been still seeing me and her at the same time and I got a few abusive messages. (I didn't know at the time).

Anyway since then she hated me, very jealous and he chose to not see our daughter to keep peace because it was causing arguments between all 3 of us.

The last few years he has been trying to see a lot more of my daughter but he is still with this girl, our last altercation was maybe a year ago because he has tried to initiate something with me every few months for 7 years and I was getting sick of being inundated with messages implying I was the one approaching him, so on a few occasions I have corrected her which didn't make things any better.

I want her to see her dad but in my mind because his partner dislikes me so strongly I feel like she'll treat my daughter differently to her daughter with him? Maybe take out her grievances with me on her while I'm not around.

I know this might be irrational but it's how I feel and I've had her to myself for 7 years, I'm not sure I'm ready to let her go if I'm not sure she's being treated fairly when she visits her dads family. I have asked him to spend one on one time with my daughter without his girlfriend which he has agreed but otherwise she is around all the time so will be part and parcel of the meetings.

I also heard her daughter, 5, was quite jealous when my daughter went round and was calling her quite hurtful names, fat ugly etc and I'm not sure how it was dealt with. My little girl is very sensitive and not used to being insulted so was very upset when she came back to me.

The last time I took her to see him, I went to collect her, we met in a McDonald's and sat and spoke for a while. 15 minutes in his girlfriend and her friends appeared from nowhere and were obviously there to keep an eye on us. She wasn't friendly. We had met near my home around 45 mins away from his so she had driven all that way just to spy...

I feel like it's time we all get past this silly situation because I do want my daughter to see her dad, but I can't help thinking with the lack of contact he will always put his other daughter before mine, as will his partner. I don't want my daughter to feel second best or get any ill feelings taken out on her. Like I said, she's very sensitive.

Sorry that was very long!!! It's been a few years coming lol so I apologise.

Any suggestions or advice welcome.

Thankyou 

Well does your daughter tell you about her visits? Has she said what this woman is like to her? At 7 she should be able to give a good indication of the woman's behaviour.

She is vague because she likes to go and see her dad she won't say much. I've asked her if she's nice to her and she says yes and that's about it, but at 7 I'm not sure she can sense hostility to that extent.

Kind of like when older children ask a younger child to play to get them to do all the running or whatever and the child doesn't realise they're being made to do all the chasing or whatever because they're happy to be playing) if that makes any sense? Like she won't realise because she's happy to be there she'll think it's the norm in her innocence.

I asked about her about her little sister (their daughter) and she said they were telling her off (my daughter) when their daughter was in the wrong. But kids, well mine do say 'it wasn't my fault it was his/ hers' quite a lot so not sure what to believe.

I just worry if she can harbour such a strong dislike to me after all this time, if she can separate the two and treat my daughter just as her own. I think because she's such a jealous person anyway, my child coming in and taking attention away from her daughter might make her a little bitter? Maybe I'm being ridiculous

Your post sounds controlling.

Throughout you say.... Letting MY daughters dad have more access. He has been trying to see a lot more of MY daughter. I’m not sure i’m ready to let her go. You mean OUR daughter - she has 2 parents.

Your post sounds more like your feelings, rather than supporting a relationship with her dad. You have to do what’s best for her.

I agree with NorthernSpirit.

It does involve my feelings because he hasn't seen her more than once a year since she was a few months old. I'm not sure I want to have her around someone that self admittedly hates me..
It's nothing to do with her seeing her dad that I take issue with it's spending most of her time there with a woman that texts me abuse and stalks us when we're together.

I will see my daughter as mine I won't feel bad for that. When he becomes a ongoing co parent then he has earned the title.

I've been a single parent all this time so no I don't often refer to my daughter as our daughter because he hasn't been around or providing anything for her.

It sounds like you're projecting. I completely understand your worries about the girlfriend - clearly, she is insecure and possessive. However, issues between adults are not a reason to limit the contact that a child has with her dad. You have said yourself that your daughter "likes to go and see her dad" and she has said that the girlfriend is nice to her. So, you are limiting access on the strength of your feelings / worries about something that MIGHT happen, rather than something that IS happening. Bluntly, that won't stand up in court for more than three seconds.

You would be far better served talking through with your ex how you will both approach the relationship (no bad-mouthing the other parent by anyone involved with care etc). I know he hasn't been particularly involved (and I don't really understand any man who would allow conflict between their ex and current partner to affect their relationship with their kids), but he is still her Dad and he is making an effort now - so you need to work from an assumption that his motives are sound and he will act in her interests.

Allowing your own feelings about his girlfriend to prevent your daughter from developing a stronger relationship with her dad, is not acting in her best interests.

If you still need convincing, think about the effect on kids from not having an involved father figure (it is known to affect confidence and self-worth, and the statistics are truly frightening about what it does to kids' life chances). That's not denigrating single mums doing an amazing job where a dad isnt involved - but it is to say that, where a relationship with a dad can be maintained or developed, that should always be pursued. The benefits of doing so definitely outweigh your worries about something that could happen, but isn't. If you discover that your ex's girlfriend is treating your daughter poorly, deal with it then. Don't try to limit contact on the assumption that bad things might happen - that doesn't serve your daughter well, and you will lose in court.

I understand where you're coming from and don't think you sound controlling just worried. how long has he had regular contact with her? did she take ok to meeting him? I do think it's fair he spends time with her alone so she can have that time with him and especially if you're worried about the girlfriend and her sister being unkind.
May be it would be an idea for just the 2 of them to spend time at first then he could take both girls out and build bond?

I agree with NoFucksImAQueen.

I would also suggest that you ask your Ex to build up the relationship with your DD via regular (weekly) one on one time and suggest sometimes he brings her sister along too.

Work up to your DD being part of the "family" unit with her Dad.

Although your concerns are not unfounded you need to try and take a step back and be led by what your daughter wants. If stepmum is awful after the novelty wears off she will tell you.

Only on mn are single parents not allowed to say my dd without been accused of been controlling. How many couples use the term my dd without it been torn apart.

That said the 2 issues do need to be separated.

I can completely understand not wanting your child around her . I also think people have missed how inconsistent he has been in your dd life.

What contact is she having now . What contact is he asking for . I would be asking for a period of consistent contact before increasing

you can't stop father from seeing his child (even if he wasn't there at the beginning) and it's up to him how he spends this time, I'm afraid.
Seems like this gf been on a picture for a whole and seems like your little one has a step sister and perhaps it would be beneficial for her not only to spend time with her dad but sister?
again, you can't stop your child from developing relationship with her father, it's not in her interest..