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Original poster

Baby daddy won’t follow routine

15 replies

Newmum777101 · 05/06/2018 11:24

My daughter is almost one month old. Her dad didn’t want to know when I was pregnant and now that she’s here he wants to visit all the time. I’m not comfortable letting him take her as he is kown to take drugs, he lives over an hour away and lives with 3 men that I don’t know so I don’t feel it’s a safe environment. I have let him come to my home to visit he was coming almost everyday which wasn’t great as we had virtually no relationship as we hadn’t spoken on good terms in nine months. So I set three days a week for visits this week. Since then he won’t follow any kind of routine every time she makes the smallest sound he lifts her and feeds her and doesn’t wind her correctly. She then becomes very uncomfortable and unsettled when he leaves she also now cries ever half hour for 1/2 an ounce where she was talking 4 before and going four hours. I have tried talking about this witch resulted in an argument so I sat in my bedroom for the rest of the visit. We don’t have set going home time but he is meant to be here at nine and is always late. Sorry for the long post but as I am on my own routine is so important so I can get some sleep and keep up with cooking and cleaning etc

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dragonade · 05/06/2018 11:42

Give him a chance, you are with her all day, he isn't. When he arrives, quickly write down where you are in the cycle of routine and what comes next then leave him to it. FFS he is trying ok don't alienate him

NorthernSpirit · 05/06/2018 13:26

It’s does sound like he is trying, give him a chance.

You refer throughout the post to MY daughter. You mean OUR daughter. You say you have LET him come. So I set. He won’t FOLLOW. It all sounds a bit controlling. Let him in to your world.

SingleDingle · 05/06/2018 15:00

Talk about picking holes.

She referred to “my daughter” once And of course she had to “let” him come to her home. He can’t just assume he’ll get in. She also said he’s only been like this since she set days for contact. That’s also fair enough. Of course she doesn’t want him there every day. It’s not her fault he can’t get his shit together.

OP, you don’t sound controlling at all. You sound like a new mum, trying to find a way to enable a relationship with someone who is yet to prove himself, while trying to establish a routine for your daughter, which is important.

Why don’t you try and have your health visitor come over while he’s there and discreetly raise the subject in a way that means the advice comes from her, so that he doesn’t feel you’re calling the shots for the sake of it. (Which I don’t think for one minute you are)

Original poster

Newmum777101 · 05/06/2018 20:34

Thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it I will try this. I don’t want a confrontation about it and can feel it going this way when I bring it up so I just drop it very quickly but it is causing problems it’s hard being in your own and not having a routine. No he can’t always be in my home as I said we aren’t on the best of terms and it’s very uncomfortable but don’t feel comfortable leaving her with anyone atm especially someone so unstable I do want him to be able to see her of course but I’m a safe and healthy environment. Thanks again will definitely try this

OP posts:

Original poster

Newmum777101 · 05/06/2018 20:36

That’s exactly the point I am trying to make things work but he isn’t doing things as they should be done and I’m trying to have a conversation about it and it’s going no where fast just looking some fresh advise as to how to proceed so that it’s not a massive confrontation

OP posts:

Original poster

Newmum777101 · 05/06/2018 20:38

I have tried telling him where I’m at in the routine and advise him how to proceed and he isn’t listening when I try bring it up he gets confrontational so I’m trying to see if there’s another approach. I’m not trying to alianate him At all

OP posts:

Dandybelle · 05/06/2018 21:01

I was literally in the same position you are in 4 years ago. DD's dad lives an hour away, and we were not on good terms before her birth or after. I had to tell him to stop coming everyday because I felt like I couldn't just go about my day whilst he was there. It was really hard whilst she was small. In the end we went to mediation and it was decided that once a week he could take her out near where I lived for a few hours, when she was 3-7 months old, then he would take her to his house an hour away for the day to see family, and when she turned 12 months she would go overnight every Saturday night. He didn't live with 3 other men at this point, although at the beginning when he was coming to my house he did have his friend living with him.

It was hard, and he still doesn't have much respect for her routine but things are better and she adores him and loves going so I know she's fine while she's there. It will get easier and he will get to grips with things just like you did.

Ottmotherx2 · 06/06/2018 00:53

Being a new mum is really hard. When you are doing it single it is exhausting!! Trying to work through an ever changing sleep system. I feel like you are entitled to your space as you are the one caring for the baby round the clock. Even if they are visiting everyday to help.. it's still a visit. If they are not making your life easier by following your guidance that can make for very exhausting work for you. Esspesally if you don't feel confident to sleep with him taking care of her. With no support through your pregnancy also and then oh the baby is here so I'll be round every day..

Sorry no advice.. but I do feel for you.

RunningBean · 06/06/2018 17:15

Just say when he goes to make a bottle 'shes just had a feed try settling her by holding or rocking her first or she ends up with an upset tummy as its not time for her next feed yet'
If he tries to argue about it then say you'll settle her if he doesn't want to try to and repeat that shes just had a feed and it will give her a bad tummy.

If he's likely to not take it well I'd message him before the next visit rather than doing it face to face and say her being fed too much before she needs a feed during visits is giving her a bad stomach so to try settling her without resorting to the bottle straight away this time.

RunningBean · 06/06/2018 17:17

@nothernspirit you seem to be on every thread about separated dads getting your anger at your situation out. Its not particularly helpful, remember not every situation is the same as yours, at least keep it relevant to the issue rather than projecting.

ca101 · 14/06/2018 22:21

I can understand the anger, to be honest, though I agree about hijacking threads in general. Mind you - it can be very hard to read about mums doing things to exclude fathers, no matter how they justify it, when one is going through that in a situation they know to be totally out of order.

MellowMelly · 14/06/2018 22:36

Oh it’s so hard trying to work alongside an ex partner and a new baby with their ever changing routines.
Having set days is a good idea and it’s brilliant that he is wanting to be involved. It’s still early days yet as your little one is still tiny. You’ll probably find it’ll all settle down as she gets bigger.
I’ve been in the same shoes with my daughter and her ex bf. She’s had a baby and lives with me so I get to see her rolling her eyes when he doesn’t quite stick to the routine when he visits three times a week.
In fairness it all seems to be levelling out now and he has come into his own and has a wonderful bond with the baby. My daughter says things like ‘if you pat her back this way she’ll burp quicker if that helps’ and he has kind of grasped things now.
It’s just kind of a ‘grin and bear it’ situation. He will get the hang of it!

ca101 · 14/06/2018 23:08

I have to chime in on the other side a little:

I have had a baby before my most recent, and know fully well what I'm doign, having always been a super involved dad and a single dad for 5 years prior to my new one - yet while I understand maternal instincts, it was hard to accept being screeched at that I had follow exactly what my ex did. I get the importance of routine, but in the end, both parents simply do have a right to do things their own way. The best will try to accommodate each others views in order to ensure some consistency, but nothing increasing hostility like one parent trying to simply impose on the other, as if they know best [even if they do - can you iamgine me telling my ex how to do things, even though I actually did have years of exerience!?] Yet I still get this - some mums seem entitled to the view that they are fundamentally better than dads, know more, have a right to take the lead or be the arbiter in all final decisions. You'll forgive me for not agreeing to the principle of that.

lapenguin · 14/06/2018 23:21

He's doing his best, he probably has no clue what he is doing!
Set out a timetable, sit with him and show him how to wind correctly etc, explain the routine so he can understand why and that it's not just because you said so, explain why the routine is important and what happens if it's not followed

NellMangel · 15/06/2018 15:06

I would try to give him a chance. Yes he'll not do things exactly like you but he needs to find his own way of comforting her etc.

One day he might have more appropriate living arrangements. It will be better for your DD if she stays with someone who has a way of caring for her, independent of you and not reliant on your supervision.

I know it's hard. I've been there too. But trust me, in the not too distant future, a weekend to yourself will be priceless.

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