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[Maldives1986]

Hi I'm new to mumsnet so apologies if I'm a bit longwinded. I was just hoping to hear different points of view from other parents.

I am a lone parent to 2 boys (2.5 and 5.5) they don't have any relationship with their father for nearly 2 years now (long story short - not a nice guy - restraining order etc).

In the intervening time I have met somebody new and things have become serious with talk of moving in together in the future and marriage etc. However certain things really bother me in terms of his attitude to what it means to be a parent (he isn't one) he sometimes says things that make me feel judged. Especially with regard to my eldest who's behaviour can often not be great which I try my best to deal with. But my new partner often makes remakes like "you need to sort his behaviour out" or "his behaviour is going to cause me and you to fall out". This all just makes me feel judged but also like it's solely my problem to resolve and that I can't rely on him to be any sort of co parent in the future as they aren't his biological children.

My guy feeling is that he is not supportive and just wants an easy life where he coexists with my children instead of being a family. But he also has many fantastic qualities and part of me thinks he is just inexperienced at parenting and doesn't appreciate how difficult it can be. He is definitely in the non parent camp of "Just tell him to behave" - wouldn't it be great if it was that simple?

Anyway sorry for rambling. I would just appreciate any other points of view as I don't know whether I'm just being overly sensitive or not. Thanks in advance

Welcome to Mumsnet.
I’d take it really slowly with your new man. It may be his lack of parenting experience but no-one should be blaming you for how your dcs behave in their own home. Especially at only 2 & 5.
He’s being completely unfair. Either he’s part of the family and he gets down on the floor with the dcs and jokes/tickles them in to better behaviour, or he isn’t part of the family & minds his own business.
Don’t even think about sharing a home until dp shows he can build a good relationship with your dcs.

Thanks for your response. I am definitely trying to slow things down at the moment after Being a little hung ho. This is probably my first relationship where I haven't been mistreated in some way or another so I think I was probably getting a little ahead of myself.

We have been involved for about 18 months in total but he didn't meet the children until around the 10 month mark and even now we only see him once or twice a week. When we do see him he is good with the kids but I wouldn't say he is heavily involved with them. More like a friend coming to visit than somebody who wants a real role in our family. All of which is making me more and more reluctant to open up our lives to him. All the while he seems more and more oblivious to how he makes me feel no matter how many times I try to speak to him about it. He just says my child's behaviour is unacceptable and I just make excuses for him.

Mmmm, that's a bit like mine. After four years, my then bf decided that I'd done my 9 years raising my dc (half of 18 years to adulthood) and it was time I sent him to his father's so we could have a life.

Funnily enough I didn't see it quite like that.

This is just how I see it, so not saying you are wrong to feel differently, but at that stage in a relationship when he spends so little time with them I wouldn't personally want him trying to co-parent. And I would view any parenting issues as mine to solve alone with nothing but moral support from a dp.

It's hard to judge on the behaviour without knowing what your dc is doing.

@Kingsclerelass
The children's father isn't in the frame whatsoever. He was issued a restraining order and told he was not allowed contact with me for 2 years and that any contact with the kids must be arranged through mediation and he never bothered.

My new partner only talks about wanting a happy, safe and comfortable future for ourselves and the kids in the future yet he retreats emotionally when he sees my son acting out and he will then announce by way of text message the next day "that I need to sort his behaviour out or we will fall out"

He is not a parent and is also an only child so I don't think he has a normal view of what life with two small children is all about. But essentially he is a good man that seems to want the best for all of us including the kids.

@Thehogfather

My eldest unfortunately suffered through the worst of my relationship with his father. He was never physically abusive but was abusive in every other way possible. I also suffered with postnatal depression after my youngest was born and I became like a completely different person and I feel in my own mind I took away his only life raft in what was a pretty shit situation.

For along time after we split he struggled with night terrors, separation anxiety, abandonment issues and also Just general anger and confusion.

I have managed to work through most of this over time and things are definitely a lot calmer. but he does still have a lot of issues and blames me for everything. He verbally threatens "to punch me in the face" on occasion if He doesn't get his own way but you can tell doesn't mean it as you can see the regret on his face. He has on occasion kicked me. The rest of his bad behaviour I would attribute to just general 5 year old naughtiness. Answering back, not doing as he is told etc. All of which I try my best to deal with as best I can.

His behaviour definitely isn't great some of the time but the good outweighs the bad and I resent the implication that he is in some way a problem to be resolved as opposed to a child who has been through a lot for such a young age with a lot of feelings he can't communicate

Given the reasons behind it, then unless he is clumsily trying to say 'sort it by trying to get him some help' then I agree he it sounds like he isn't being at all understanding.

Not that realistically there is any help available given you are equipped to support him, and are clearly very clued up and understanding about the cause.

@Thehogfather

Thank you for your perspective. I don't claim to be a great mum and I certainly am muddling my way through being a lone parent also working full time but I do feel I know my son best as any Mum does.

We have since had a further discussion that has revealed some things related to his own child hood which may be colouring his view on things. So I think I need to carefully suggest that my son is not him and that he has a completely different set of needs And a firm assertion for the time being that I am his mother and it is my responsibility for now to decide how best to deal with my child's behaviour.

But he does seem to genuinely want what is best for all of us and for us all to be happy together some time in the future

Hi there!
I am afraid I cannot advise you much on your situation as I have no experience there myself.
You ARE however a great mum! You have already demonstrated how you have put your children first and are doing the best that you can for them and that is all that anyone can ask!
Please don't ever feel like you aren't doing a great job because you are! I struggle with my LO sometimes and I only have one and I am lucky enough to have a very supportive partner. You are doing a much much harder job as a solo parent to two children whilst working and that is AMAZING!