50/50

[flissypix]

My STBX is moving out soon up until now he has been a very hands on dad. I want to do 50/50 custody in the long run but he is living with his mum until we can sort finances which may take up to a year. He is a dreadful husband but a great dad and I really don't want my DDs(8 &11) to miss out on that- I feel all over the place deciding what to do how often he will see them I really want to get the balance right without the girls feeling pushed and pulled all over the place but it's hard as I am hurting. He is currently pretending like its not going to happen so is very unhelpful. Does anyone 50/50parent how does it work?

We don't have 50:50 (unfortunately) and personally I think it's brilliant you are willing to use that as a starting point. Despite this awful time you are putting your kids first and that speaks volumes about you

I know of only 1 50:50 agreement and I think it only works because:
1 - they still live very close (important for school runs etc)
2 - they have an incredibly amicable relationship and are flexible with each other about it (swap weekends/nights with each other around work etc, no tantrums about running 10 minutes late or a tshirt not being returned to the 'correct' house).

Things I was recommended to do with my DSC to stop them feeling 'pushed and pulled' was to make sure they felt each house was their 'actual' house iykwim - they have a toothbrush/pyjamas/clothes/toys at each house (even if they sometimes choose to bring a new favourite with them) so that they are not being sent back and forth with bags of stuff, which can make one house seem like it's not really 'their' house.

At the end of the day, it has to be practical too - no point setting up something that is difficult to manage as it is more likely to fail and cause upset all round. Good luck with it all, you sound like you have your head screwed on so I hope the STBX gets his screwed on too.

We own 2 house (one currently rented out) within walking distance of each other and with a bus stop near both for dd1 high
School so I think logistically that can work. Currently I do morning drop off for dd2 and he does the majority of after school pick ups I would like that to stay the same but I am willing to be flexible and use after/before school club to facilitate a different routine. I am starting my MA in September so ideally he would have them for those 2 nights plus a bit more I really don’t want to do EOW as the standard as I don’t want to go 2x 2 consecutive nights without the dds seeing you either one of us. I want them to continue to have the relationship they have now as much as possible. Trying to make it so it’s me he’s leaving not them. Does that make Sense.

Makes total sense and again I think your attitude to access is amazing

I know of a 50:50 arrangement that started when child was 3 months. Not mine.
Each parent had a house within five miles of each other. Dc did 4 days with one parent, 3 with other and then reverse, Dc has just turned 18 and is happy/good relationship with both parents.
Both parents had fairly flexible working so were able to do school run. They remain on ok terms and generally co-operate which is the key I think. The only squabbles I remember were about holidays.

I have a 50/50 arrangement that works well for two daughters, aged 13 and 11. We have a 2/2/3 pattern. They spend every Monday and Tuesday night with me; Wednesdays and Thursdays and with their Mum; and we alternate Friday-Sunday nights.

Considered a range of possible patterns, including a week on / week off. This works the best for us, as it means the longest the girls go without seeing one of us is 5 days - a week would be too long for them (and us). The kids generally have no restrictions on contacting the other parent on their 'off' days - they both have mobiles to facilitate that.

Other points that may be helpful:

• we live a mile apart, which helps enormously
• both houses are homes for the girls. They have everything they need at both homes, so the stuff they need to move between houses is minimal (mostly just a stuffed dog 🙂). That's important, to ensure it isn't unsettling for them.
• we have an agreement that we can each take them away for up to 2 weeks at a time in any given year, so that balances out while meaning they can have a main holiday with each of us. I also take them on a succession of short breaks over the year, but keep those to the stretches where I have the kids for 5 days, to avoid impinging on their Mum's time with them
• special arrangements apply at Christmas. They spend Xmas Eve and Xmas morning with one parent, and the afternoon & Boxing Day with the other. Whoever loses time gets it back at some other point over the Xmas break. And obviously we make special arrangements for birthdays etc as well. Otherwise, we stick to the schedule

Hope that helps. In my experience, 50/50 is great for the kids because it means both parents are very involved & hands on, so their relationship with neither parent suffers.

Thank you for the replies so far my best friend and my mum both think it’s not achievable as the girls won’t like splitting their time. so it’s good to hear that it can be done. There is so much to think about trying to be as fair as possible without being walked over is a fine line.

Apologies for thread hijack. I have 50/50; not my choice.
I have zero contact with my DS when he is at his dad’s. It works because we have a very strict court order in place. I rarely see his dad; handover is at school or in the holidays at a neutral; public place. His dad continues to be unreasonable; the give is on my part and take on his.

Just wondered how lp’s felt when their dc’s were with their dad.
From previous posts it looks like a good relationship really helps. In my case impossible as the ow is constantly meddling.

I struggle, perhaps because I have no other children or partner. But I see that DS is fine with the arrangement. It is just really hard to live with...

When ExH and I first split we did 50:50 Monday and Thursday with me, Tuesday and Wednesday with him and then alternate Friday through Mondays each. The plan was each house was home, no need to carry stuff between homes etc.
Sadly ExH choose not to stick to this and DD never knew if she was going to be at his, grandmas or the OW ( introduced after 3days). DD who was eight at the time just couldn't cope so he ended up with EOW.
The key to it working is sticking to what you have told the child and ensuring consistency.

Thanks for reply lonecat. We have week on week off. DS is fine with rythmn. I just find it hard but it’s getting easier

Curly it is tough at first and I found it easier to keep busy. One of the benefits of day on day off is that you can commit to a regular club or activity. I also found it really benefited DD to know that whilst I missed her I was occupied her DD heaped on the guilt about her being away.

Thanks Lonecat, I am trying to keep busy, it does help.
My therapist(!) says that DS will be happier seeing his mum happy.
Next stage; dating. Eek!