Contact: what’s fair?

[Emboo19]

My ex can’t do mid week contact. He was coming to mine a few evenings to do bath and bed time, literally for the last hour. I can’t have him in my home right now and he can’t do overnight or even get her in time to take her out for dinner or anything.

So he’s getting eow, Friday-Sunday but he’s not happy with this, supposedly! And I do feel it’s a long time for dd to go without seeing, but what alternative do I have if he can’t do a week night?

We tried splitting weekends and that stopped working for various reasons. One option was him having a full weekend and then one night of mine, but why shouldn’t I get a full weekend to do as I wish with her.

He’s threatening court, although I do believe it’s just a threat. But what can I actually do to make it fairer if he can’t/won’t do proper midweek contact.

It has to be set contact and I can’t be too
flexible with him, because he just starts taking the piss and I can’t deal with him anymore.

So is eow really so unfair or actually pretty standard in the circumstances? (DD’s 19 months in case that makes a difference).

Look at it this way. If you didn’t live with the kids could you go 2 weeks with seeing them?

No - I don’t think EOW is ‘fair’ - not fair on kids and not fair in the resident parent to go without seeing each other.

If he can’t do mid week - ask him to propose solutions. Sounds like he’s dumped the problem on you.

I meant not fair on the NRP....

No NorthernSpirit I wouldn’t be happy with that level of contact. But then I’d make sure I could collect her from nursery before it closes, because that’s what I have to do five days a week.

His solutions are:
I let him still see her here, not happening.
I let him decide on the day if he can or can’t collect so he might do the odd night, but he might not. Tried this and he just messes about, uses it as a excuse to contact me and swaps and changes making it difficult for me regarding my own job.
He has every Friday night and then every other longer weekend. He finishes earlier on Fridays so can usually collect then. But I’m not willing to give up my full weekend with dd and don’t see why I should.

Keep it as is.

If he is unhappy with it, he can bring you to court. That way he will have to commit to set days, and you should in theory at least, have more of a structure to your and your DC lives. He won't be able to mess you about as much.

He needs to come up with solutions that work for both of you. If none of those works push the problem back to him.

That’s my plan whatif.
I guess I’m just wanting some reassurance that I’m not being terribly unfair, in saying he can only have eow.

He won’t NorthenSpirit and I’m on minimal contact with him so don’t really want to get into it with him.

"I'm not willing to give up my full weekend with DD and don't see why I should".

Because it's in her best interests?

Seriously, not trying to be facetious, but that's all a judge will care about if it goes to court. You rightly recognise that it's a long time for your daughter to go without seeing her dad, and so - if he has genuine reasons for being unable to have her on a mid-week evening - there is a strong case to be made that it is in her best interests to see him every Friday. If it did go to court, then an argument that you aren't willing to give that Friday up wouldn't hold much weight with the judge, who would want to focus on your daughter rather than you. To be honest, if it goes to court, I'd say there's a fair chance that he will get the Friday.

That said, I completely understand why you want the whole weekend with her. I'd be encouraging him to look at whether there are changes he can make to his working arrangements, if that is what's keeping him from having her on a weekday evening. Everybody has a legal right to request family friendly working arrangements, so he would do well to talk to his employer to see if there could be any flexibility to finish earlier one night a week, and make up the hours another time.

This one is going to call for a bit of give and take to try and find a solution.

If I let him have every Friday though Slightly. I’d never be able to have a weekend away with dd, he won’t be flexible. Plus he’s not consistent with time keeping so I wouldn’t be able to book or plan anything for Saturdays. So I’d be getting one non working day a fortnight with her. Yes I see her the other days but I’m at uni and working pt/ft in holidays and DD’s in nursery 5 days. So basically I’d be getting all the day to day rushing around stuff he doesn’t want and he’d get the fun times and still be having control over me.
How’s that fair?

He does and can finish early, because he does so when he coaches a junior football team once a week (not his own child’s team or anything, he’s only got dd)

If it gets court ordered then it can be stipulated that drop off is by 10am or whatever on the Saturday. That would give you the vast majority of the time. I totally get the feeling that you do all the hard actual parenting and he seems to get only the fun bits and it's not fair at all but there simply isn't another solution. As someone upthread said, contact with him is HER right. Try to focus on that, not him and his short comings. That said I believe you are perfectly entitled to expect regularity and not enable him to pick and choose at the last minute.

I get that Huge, but I'd still not get to have weekends away easily and I have family and friends who don't live near. Plus I sometimes take dd to visit ex's family who don't live local, because he doesn't.
And in regards to drop off time, even if it's court ordered he'll push it, especially if he knows I've got plans and then what? Do I stop contact while we go back to court if he's late back? That won't be in DD's interest to not see him at all.

When I spoke to a solicitor before he said I had a good case to refuse him having every Friday. Really all I'm wanting is the same downtime with dd that he has. The fact I've changed jobs and plans to accommodate nursery drop off and collection, goes in my favour as surely if he was bothered he'd do the same.

I have said he can FaceTime at bedtime to say goodnight and when his mum's not working, she's a nurse so works days on and off. She's going to collect dd early from nursery to spend sometime with her and will keep her overnight taking her to nursery in the morning. So he can go after work like he used to come here and do bath and bed time. His mum will give me shifts in advance so I can organise things and it means she gets some extra time with dd too. It won't be once a week, but it does give him some possible extra time with her.

Yes you getting quality time with your dc is also important .

I would listen to your solicitor not everyone on this forum. It seems often on here relationship with rp comes second place to nrp.

I'm hoping it doesn't get to the court stage Starlight but I'm preparing incase it does. I was asking more how others would see it, if he can't do week days is eow fair. He's been slating me on social media for being a 'selfish bitch who won't let him see dd' of course he fails to mention why he's no longer allowed at my house or that he won't finish early to collect dd from nursery but will for football. I guess I wanted some reassurance that I wasn't being unfair, but like Facebook are getting his side this is only mine.
I think for now I just have to trust I'm doing the right thing by dd and not worry about what other people think.

It sounds more like he is being deliberately inflexible and that may be because he hasn't fully understood separated parent code. If he feels there's no real reason why he can't just stop by yours to see his DD while you manage all the time pressured deadlines like pickups and drop offs you might just have to let him take it to the next stage. Keep a record of your offers to compromise and reasons given for turning down. Also keep a record of lateness. He won't be able to go straight to court unless you've already tried mediation. I wouldn't give every Friday for exactly the reason you say, you won't be able to take weekends away. Can he be more available during holidays? I would definitely take up his mums offer that sounds like a great compromise and DD gets GMa time too.