Tough break up please help

[LonleyGirl]

Really need some advice please :'(

So I'm currently still trying to get over a break up from the past month. My ex broke up with me because our relationship started to go south when we were arguing a lot and I didn't realise I had postnatal depression. I went to the doctors 2 weeks before we broke up and asked about it, at which point I was given tablets but didn't take them as I was still in denial about it. It wasn't until we broke up that I even mentioned it to him and I know it doesn't change anything but all he could say was "sorry to hear you have that" . I just don't know how to feel anymore... I tried taking the tablets but was so ill one day my mother had to get the day off work to help me. I have a 6 month old child and am living on my own. My ex broke up with me over WhatsApp after 4 years and a child together and his friends and family are just telling him to have fun and move one, he said his not looking for anything serious. And even after everything I still have the deepest feelings for him and I'm honestly heartbroken, I keep crying and I will have days when I feel OK but then it gets to the nights and when baby goes to sleep I'm alone again and I cry, I cry for him and I feel so stupid and childish for it.

I've spoken to friends and my health visitor and family, but I feel like nobody understands and I'm just so hurt. I have family in the hospital which is what triggered my postnatal depression and possibly PTSD too and now my anxiety has crept up as I'm so confused and upset about everything. I'm crying as I write this. I have a degree I can't use as I can't afford childcare and he has her 1 day a week... He wants to start having the baby over night for 1 night a week even though he doesn't even message in the week to ask how baby is. I have had her for the past month basically to myself with every single night spent with me.

Friends and family say I should just get over it and move on... Like he seems to be doing. But I can't tell my heart no, my family is broken and so is my heart.

Please help, I just need someone to understand and help. I'm broken and I don't want to be broken anymore

I’m so sorry this is happening, i’m not surprised you’re feeling low.
To split from someone with whom you have a child via WhatsApp is the ultimate spineless act and shows your ex is immature and spectacularly selfish.
It is perfectly normal to feel awful, if you gave birth a month ago, your hormones will still be all over the place but they will settle down. You are not “broken” you’re just emotional with good reason, and you need to let it run it’s course.
Your ex has a right to time with the baby but not overnight at 4 weeks. He needs to spend an hour or so with her, perhaps every other day to build a bond and gradually increase that over time.
As far as childcare & working are concerned, you don’t say if you are in the UK. You need to talk to your ex (calmly) about money, he needs to pay half of her expenses and in time that will include half of childcare so you can work. Go online and look at the benefits you can claim and also the calculator for his child maintenance payments. When you are ready, see a solicitor.

But for now, concentrate on looking after & being kind to yourself & loving your baby. You can be a family unit without your immature prat of an ex, in time, anger at his behaviour will kick in and will give you the strength to fight for your little one’s benefit.

Hey lonely girl

I don’t really have much advise for you as I’m in a similar situation but I just wanted you to know ur not alone as I know how lonely this situation feels

I have a 2.5 yr old and my husband of 4 years - been together 10 has turned round and said he just doesn’t love me.. it came completely out the blue so I’m still in love with him and so deeply hurt

I’m just trying to take each day at a time ..this is a very painful thing to go through so we cant expect ourselves to just snap out of it and move on we have to heal .. the pain is horrendous .. look after yourself x

Thank you for replying. It's good to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry to hear your going through a similar situation. I hope things get better for us both soon and that we can both move on from this soon hopefully xxx

Thank you for your advice Kingsclerelass. I will look more into it but my baby is 6 months, not 4 weeks?

So do I! It’s such a hard time but we will get through it for our little ones.. sending hugs xx

Thank you, sending hugs back xxx

@LonleyGirl

First of all I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tough time! I have been there and am still there! But let me say as corny as it may sound it does get better and you have made the first step there by talking about how you are feeling! Keeping it all in will only worsen the intensity of what you are feeling!

I too for a long time ignored / was in denial about post natal depression. So much so that my health visitor at the time referred me to what she called a "mother's group" so that I got out of the house and had somewhere I could talk to other mothers without judgement. It turned out to be a PND support group which I scoffed at at first not believing that I was suffering so badly. It was absolutely the best thing I could have done.

It helped me gain so much perspective not only on how I was feeling but also on my relationship with my now ex partner and "father" of my children.

The hurt and sense of loss that you will be feeling will feel so raw right now especially given that your hormones will be every where having given birth so recently but definitely keep on talking about how you feel! Your family mean well by telling you to just forget about him but it is not helpful nor realistic. But in fact they are right. This is a man who has little regard for your wellbeing and someone who is obviously quite callous. Not someone in the long run I think that you would want to spend your life with as much as it hurts now to accept that.

Best thing I can advise is get in touch with your health visitor. Your GP was wrong to prescribe you medication without first suggesting some sort of counselling. This doesn't need to be so formal as going to a counsellor but could be and informal group like I went to at a local Sure Start centre.

I don't know where you live but where I live (Greater Manchester) there is a free online referral service for mental health called healthy minds. You can contact the online by answering a few questions about how you are feeling currently and they then contact you to assess areas in which you feel you need help and direct you to the most appropriate service.

But until then, just take things one day at a time. It will get better! Just keep talking even if it's anonymously on forums such as this. You are not alone and there will always be someone who understands how you feel. You are not alone!!!!

Thank you for the advice, I don't think there is much in my area in the way of support. I've had a look and there are only 1 or 2 but they clash with baby's bedtime at 7/8pm and I don't have much money for childcare being a single parent. The doctor did advise me for counselling but there is such a long waiting list... Possibly a couple of months. I'll see what else there is out there or talk to my health visitor when I see her next.

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youre not alone xx

Love and hugs.. I have a 7month old and I just broke up with my ex. He kept doing things that would really hurt my feeling or step all over my boundaries and after months of forgiving and heart break like you probably would believe I have now finally ended it.

You need to spend time focusing on loving and being kind to yourself. Take your time to poor your heart out if you need to and when you don't do small or big things that are good natured to yourself.

Be the best friend you need. You are worth more than you have been treated xxx

Thank you all for the kind words and advice... I don't think PND is that much of a problem for me at the minute as my anxiety is much worse due to my ex now talking about lawyers and when he has been advised to pay maintainance etc...he initially said weekly £35 (which isn't a lot to live off of) but now is saying £140 monthly as advised by a lawyer (even though some months have 5 weeks so I would be missing payments). I don't know what to do sad he says we are being civil then next minute he is talking about lawyers. I'm panicking every day about everything because of him and how his acting. He said about wanting to start having baby overnight and I said no as it have taken weeks for me to sort her routing back out again. But he is being insistent on it and I feel like he just wants his own way... He only wants her overnight so his parents can see her. He works 5 days a week (40hrs) and is planning on changing jobs which involves moving to another part of the country... So I don't want baby having to stay over with his parents while he is away either. I feel like if I go through CSA or mediation and court that he will be told he can have baby overnight and I have been as fair as I can so far (let him choose maintainance and days he wants to see baby/offered times and days he could see baby/been as nice as I can possibly be and not made it awkward at all). I feel really stuck... Any advice?