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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Baby with new partner

19 replies

FTMum2016 · 30/05/2018 13:04

I’ve been with my partner nearly a year now and I already have a 2 year old from previous relationship. They have a fantastic bond and he has recently mentioned having more children. I know I would love another baby (obviously not yet as it’s too soon) however I’m nervous because my ex partner left me at 29 weeks pregnant after 4 years of being together. My question is do you know when it’s the right time? I ideally want to wait until my LG is in either full time preschool or school but I can’t help worrying that time is going to repeat itself!

OP posts:

allthatmalarkey · 30/05/2018 19:04

I don't know why no one's replied to you who has something similar to draw on (I don't). Until someone does you'll have to make do with me. You've had a horrible experience and are bound to feel cautious after that. As you say it's early days still, but if you don't feel more sure about when is right as time goes on, I'd say you need to think about why, i.e. is it him ringing alarm bells for you or you worrying about this way more than someone it hasn't happened to. If you want more kids and maybe with him, I'd say you're safe to talk about it, its probably best to check you're both on the same page. Hope things work out for you OP.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 30/05/2018 19:06

My question is do you know when it’s the right time?

After the marriage certificate has been signed.

CopONNotLinkedIn · 30/05/2018 19:11

I agree. A measure of his commitment to YOU would be to get married.

There is no shortage of men who are quite easy going about becoming a father because they KNOW FULL WELL they can walk away when the relationship ends and be as involved as they decide to be.

If he is talking about babies then it is hardly pushy to say ''how do you feel about marriage though?''. YOu need to bring that up. If you can't bring it up that's useful information for you to work with. If you cant bringi it up that shows you that there are uncertainties, subjects and truths you're avoiding, a mismatched balance of power in the relationship. So either way, bringing it up, or knowing that you don't feel able to bring it up - both useful if you react to them in the right way.

AJPTaylor · 30/05/2018 19:41

Agree with wedding cert comment.
The fact that you both want the same things long term bodes well. As does the fact that you have time on your side. You have to trust him and time will help that. In 2/3 years time you will be as sure as you can be.

Adviceplease360 · 30/05/2018 19:45

After the marriage certificate has been signed.

Well said

1stTimeMama · 30/05/2018 19:53

I fell pregnant with my 1st after 3 months of being with my partner. We had another 2 children before getting married, and now have 4 children, have been together 10 years, married for 3. I don't think there is a right time really, it's how it's dealt with at the time, and your trust in your partner and relationship, married or not.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 30/05/2018 20:49

Why is your username 1stTimeMama if you have four children?

You can have all the trust in the world but if you’re not married and he walks away 4 kids in with his career and pension in tact while you’ve sacrificed both to raise your joint children you’ll be left with fuck all other than child support. I’m speaking from experience here. I never thought it would happen. He left 3 months after I left my job to be SAHM. Off he went on his round the world career that I had facilitated by juggling all the balls in the air at home before I couldn’t cope and had to jack in my job. I was left alone with two babies and no job. Child support whenever he felt like it until I got CSA involved. Those were fun times.

Original poster

FTMum2016 · 30/05/2018 21:52

Just for the record I’m 23, work full time as an accountant and own my own home and at no point will I be left with nothing but child support..

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 30/05/2018 22:04

Well, that’s your current position. You might decide to give up work for a while after having a baby. Many women do. Do you own your home outright?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 30/05/2018 22:05

You’ve already one relationship under your belt that didn’t last and a child from it. It’s only realistic and smart to acknowledge that it can happen twice.

Original poster

FTMum2016 · 30/05/2018 22:14

No I have a mortgage which is why I would never purposely put myself in the position where I relied on someone else’s income. I wouldn’t be able to afford to have another child until my daughter gets free hours at nursery or starts school. I appreciate that my first relationship didn’t work out hence this post, I was looking for advice not criticism.

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 30/05/2018 22:18

You didn’t get any criticism

Kingsclerelass · 31/05/2018 06:49

Ftmum, i’m a single mum with a career and a mortgage too. I’ve never relied on anyone else for an income either, but having children as a lone parent has cost me about £20,000 a year because I have to turn down the jobs with longer commutes or foreign travel. There is always a cost.
Do you want to get married? You might not but if it is on your agenda then I agree with pp, For the sake of your dcs future security.

I don’t mind but there is a cost that my ex doesn’t recognise.

BirthdayKake · 31/05/2018 15:58

I've been left while 12 weeks pregnant, and also while my fourth baby was 8 weeks old (two different dads).

This time, I've bought a house with my DP and we will be getting married before I even think about TTC. He's v excited to get married

1stTimeMama · 01/06/2018 20:24

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo, presumably this isn't an accurate portrayal of your name or a description of your current life situation? Thought not.

I've just never bothered changing my name.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 01/06/2018 20:32

Actually it’s a pretty accurate description of the sound happening inside my head most of the time

lifebegins50 · 03/06/2018 09:28

I would agree that there is no need to rush and you need at least 2 years to know someone.

If he doesn't want commitment to you in the form of marriage how will you feel?
Every pregnancy and baby is different.My first was "easy" and I worked full time, 2nd was very high maintenance and didn't sleep for 2 years.I was physically unable to work full time as did all the night wakings.
Ex's selfish behaviour only appeared much later down the line and thankfully as we were married I have had some financial protection.

Is your b/f in a similar financial position re work and house?

KirstenRaymonde · 03/06/2018 09:32

A year isn’t very long to get to know someone. I also agree with others, get married and know you’re really committed to each other before having a baby.

Butterflykissess · 04/06/2018 00:14

I agree with the ot hers, you have a 2 year old and are already thinking about wh en you will hAve the next with someone you've only known a year sorry sounds mad to me! You could end up with 2 kids 2 dad's before your even 25. Then would you want to try again with another man? Honestly you have plenty of time to think about having another child . Now isn't the time .

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