Selfishness knows no bounds

[DoinItForTheKids]

DD 16 went to visit GPs this weekend and her Dear Father was there. He's a father who can't be arsed to see her, she has little contact with him. He bombards her with pictures of what her half-sister has done this week, this hour, this minute whilst spending no time with her. She's not a favourite in the family due to some complex family dynamics despite being a great young lady.

During the middle of a bbq with lots of people all around her dad said to her oh by the way I've had a mole removed on my arm, look. Shows her a small scar. Says 'its cancer, it's not gone away though' then shows her his chemo port - then he walks off and says no more about it!

I mean, can you fucking believe that?!?

And right in the middle of her exams for Christ's sake.

Due to his total lack of interest in this particular child out of the three he's got, we are not on good terms and, thankfully, we normally have to have very little to do with each other, rarely speak etc.

I just don't know what to or whether I should say anything to him such as "You selfish bellended twat, why did you drop the C bomb to your 16 yo daughter then walk off with no further explanation / reassurance / opportunity for questions?" - or say absolutely nothing because what's the point, he's an utter selfish wanker and it won't even register?

This is a difficult one.

Yes, the father didn’t tell the child in the right way and was OOO.

But the man has cancer and i’m not condoning his behaviour but it cannot be easy for him. Therefore do I think he’s ‘a selfish bell end twat’ (nice), no. Not sticking up for him, but how would you feel if you had cancer? Would you be thinking straight?

You both need to be there for your daughter (and I suggest not projecting) and the questions she has.

Maybe if you could know the endless ways he broken his daughters heart (there's no forum big enough for this) you'd understand my limited sympathies.

If I learned I'd got cancer and it was the middle of something important for either child, it wouldn't even get mentioned to them, at all, end of. But then I would think of them FIRST over and above my own fear, pain and worry.

Having a life limiting or potentially fatal illness doesn't give the right to be a dick, and what he did was most certainly out of order.

In your situation, I'd say nothing to him because it sounds like he wouldn't even listen if you tried. Instead I'd focus your energy on supporting your daughter through what is probably an emotional and stressful period.

Doinit don’t waste your breath. He is s massive cock and having cancer seems to give the entitlement to be even more of one.

He sounds like a complete narcissist so even if you did say anything it will go on deaf ears.

What you really need to do is focus on talking this through with your dd and supporting her. He clearly isn’t on deaths door so try and refocus her

Thanks guys. Obviously if he was concerned about either DD 16 or DS 18 he'd have told me first so it could indeed have been approached in a joint way that put supporting the children first. You can't 'work with' someone like this unfortunately.

Sadly he didn't do that so it was as much news to me as to whichever child/children he's told because I'm still reeling from DDs revelation and now need to touch base with DS to see if he's even been told himbor not, and if so what he's been told, I've literally got no clue.

For DD it was just another example of stuff that goes on / happens and she's the last to know and even single-handedly, he gave her NO support whatsoever.

I already said to her to sit on this bombshell for a couple of days, see what she feels after that, and then either ask him to give her more details or I'll ask for her if she prefers, whatever works, including if she doesn't even want to go there at all at the moment or find out any more for the time being.

I agree that telling him he's a massive thoughtless idiot would no doubt be pointless, sadly - I should know better, can't imagine what I was thinking!

Home from work now. DD for the first time ever is in a sudden and major depression refusing to eat, come out of her room or engage in any communication and says she feels really really sad but doesn't know why. Who knows if it's related to the news she was given at the weekend. I'm having to respect her wishes currently and leave her to it. Thank God I'm working from home tomorrow (which was a last minute decision I made at about 3pm today) or I'd have been worried sick about her all day. We'll, more than I'm worried already of course - which is worried sick.

Doin it will be what he said.

Sit and talk to her or lie with her on her bed and watch tv. Your presence even if not talking will comfort her

I would but she literally doesn't want me to come in the room (which is now making me panic that I've said something wrong!). I have noticed that she's been out secretly like and gone and got some food so she has eaten - which makes me feel slightly better as it would be more worrying if she stopped eating (she's petite and slim but eats like a horse so it would be entirely out of character).

I asked DS and he knows his dad's ill so he's clearly told the both of them - I also told DS if he wants to talk any of it through just let me know, I'm always here.

I would suggest that you do need to have a conversation with him. Not to call him a massive thoughtless idiot, but to find out more and establish what is happening, so that you can support the kids. And to let him know that your daughter is struggling with it, so that he can also do a better job of supporting her.

Establishing the prognosis and finding out what treatment he will be having etc, means that you can provide your kids with the info they very much need. I know you've left the ball in your daughter's court so that she can ask you to find out more - but I think this is one of those times where she will need you to just do it (especially if she knows you don't get on, and may put a desire not to place you in that position ahead of her own need to know what's happening). Basically, don't place the need to be proactive onto her young shoulders.

Good points for sure, thank you.