Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Ex not seeing DS in birthday

13 replies

onanotherday · 29/05/2018 11:59

So cross .. no upset... he rarely sees his DS and I do all care. But DS is expecting to see him for his 10th birthday... he's has anxiety and low self esteem and this is not helped by ex. Got message to say he won't becoming to see him. Do I just leave it or anyway to get him to see how important it is to him?

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 29/05/2018 12:43

What’s the reason mum is stopping contact?

Do you have a formal contact order?

If mum digs her heels in you can apply to the courts for a ‘specific issues order’ and a judge will decide. Mum should be doing what’s in the child’s best interests. Surley seeing his dad in his birthday is that?

My OH’s EW is completely unreasonable and tried to pull thus stunt. A judge told her she was being unreasonable and needed to start putting the children first (she uses them as weapons). He wrote it into their contact order that dad can see them in her birthday. She stuck with it first year and last year refused. My OH intends to take her back to court this year if she does the same again.

NorthernSpirit · 29/05/2018 12:44

Can your OH go to the son?

PerspicaciaTick · 29/05/2018 12:45

Northern did you mean to post on this thread?

Gottokondo · 29/05/2018 13:54

I think that the mother is posting this thread and that the father (ex of mother) isn't coming to their childs birthday but the child wants his father to come. Mother is asking if she should persuade the father to visit even though he has declined. Mother thinks that it would be better for childs anxiety and self esteem if father would come to the birthday.

Am I right?

NorthernSpirit · 29/05/2018 14:18

Sorry? I’m confused, post wasn’t clear. I read it as the dad wants to see the child for the birthday but mum isn’t letting him. Sorry if that’s wrong.

If the dad has been invited but isn’t going to see the son - has dad given a reason why? Is there an explanation?

Sadly you can’t force him.

Original poster
onanotherday · 29/05/2018 16:15

So if not clear.. was upset. Yes his dad isn't visiting DS. Dad lives 300 miles away and only seen him for a day at Xmas and 2 at Easter... arranged by MIL .

OP posts:
GingerIvy · 29/05/2018 16:28

We've dealt with this for over 5 years now. I don't make excuses for ex or push him to visit. He's an adult. He's well aware that this will likely affect their relationship in the years to come. I don't bad-mouth him in front of the dcs, but neither do I lie to them.

"No, Daddy is not coming to your birthday. I know it makes you sad, but unfortunately when he visits is his decision and I cannot change that." (or something along those lines) Initially they were upset, and there was lots of comforting and such. Now they're used to it, and they've not even asked this year.

Admittedly, it irritates me that he cannot be bothered, but I can't change it and I'm not going to do the "head against the wall" thing over it. His choice. Of course it would be better for our dcs if he was more engaged as a father, but that needs to be his effort at this point. I've done all I can.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 29/05/2018 16:31

Well, your ex is a prick. Your poor DS.

NorthernSpirit · 29/05/2018 17:42

Who moved away, you or him? 300 miles is a huge distance - i’m guessing at least a 12 hour round trip.

Why doesn’t dad have more regular contact?

It’s not ok brandishing him a ‘prick’ until we know all the facts.

rainingcatsanddog · 29/05/2018 18:05

I think he is a prick.
If there was a good excuse he'd say something like "I'm very sorry that I have to miss your birthday because of work but I will see you the weekend before/will send you a gift in the post and I'd like to see you open it on FaceTime"
I decent parent would have seen his child more frequently. Sad There's no detail to suggest he was away with the military or other acceptable excuse.

Original poster
onanotherday · 29/05/2018 19:17

After years of untreated abuse.. now diagnosed borderline PD .. left for ow ... fell apart.. self harm etc. Moved abroad to 'find himself' .. MH crisis .. returned to live miles away. Tried to be sympathetic to illness and make it easy for him to see DS.. driving to his family etc. Now this.. I'm done ..

OP posts:
SomethinKindaOoh · 30/05/2018 02:20

Northern i get where you're coming from as your DH and you have really worked for your DSC and maintaining a relationship. You post some really useful insights on the LP & SP boards.Some fathers though are total shits, it's nothing to do with evil mum's dragging kids away.

My DD's birthday is two days before exp bday. He has to celebrate his birthday first so normally sees her 2 weeks after & her presents are withheld for 3months now we don't do the parties I paid for and arranged and her autism means she can't do overnight. The two BH holiday weekends were ex contact weekends, he has cancelled seeing them as he and his wife have gone away so he's not seen them for a month, his choice. We have been invited to an event next weekend & I will be threatened with court. It's not so simple.

NorthernSpirit · 30/05/2018 10:07

Agree that it’s out of order that dad isn’t making the effort. The kid will make his own mind up in years to come.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread