Teen refusing to visit father - I need advice

[PookieDo]

I have 2 DC and I really need some advice. I’m worried about how to approach this, reduce the impact on both my dc who have completely different feelings. I’m scared of it hurting their sibling relationship

I have been apart from their DF for over 10 years. He is a difficult man and has never bonded well with our youngest child. I receive small amount of maintenance. He sees them regularly and even takes them on holiday, but doesn’t do any school things such as homework or come to parents evenings. All the parent Work is down to me.

The eldest is 16 and adores DF and wants to continue a relationship.

The youngest 14 does not wish to continue a relationship with DF.

Dc14 does not know how to tell him, is so unhappy and I have tried many times to help improve their relationship but it isn’t working. I’m concerned that continued contact is not in DC14 best interests for their mental wellbeing. DC14 is often in tears, anxious and unhappy knowing they are going there on the weekend all week.

Because DC16 does not understand how DC14 feels, they have tension between them. DC1 feels that DC2 is unfair on their dad and I try to tell them they are both allowed to feel differently and that’s ok. But not to be mean to each other about it.

DC2 does not want to tell him. They want me to do it. I don’t know what to say because ex will take this very badly. Part of me feels sorry for them both but more so my DC as they are my priority.

There is no court involvement.

Any advice?

I would suggest a break over the Summer Months. Your daughters mental health is more important than his feelings. Maybe after a break they could do a few meals together or just a day out. It is very hard for a 14 year old to articulate these emotions. I think you do have to step up for her.

Thanks, we tried this with a break and then short periods and I thought things had improved but they haven’t.

I feel really guilty that I may have been part of the problem (making DC visit) but DC2 categorically does not feel I am forcing anything and this gives me some hope that this means stopping seeing him would help her mental health. DC1 is not understanding of any of this and is giving her a lot of hassle about it which is not on and drives me mad.
I don’t know how to approach him or what to say but I am going to do it.

I tell my girls it is up to them If they see their dad. They are 15 and 13. My 13 year stopped seeing her dad for a year for many reasons 1 being he said he would by her a phone for her bday bit he didn't and didn't get her anything.
I did not force her to go I could clearly see she was upset.

The best thing to do is let each child do what's best for them. Explain to your 16 year old that your 14 year old I's struggling and needs time.
Her dad will be upset but as children grow up they have to be able to use their own minds.
Maybe he could spend some time with her on her own once every 2 weeks if that's what she wants

I apologise for saying DD when you had not indicated gender. I don’t think you should feel guilty, there is never an easy way to know which way to go in these situations. You have your child’s best interest at heart. I think the elder one needs to recognise that 14 is a young adult and has to be allowed to make their own decisions.

Two of my GCs are late teens now and they have gone through stages of not wanting to see the absent parent. They never really give an explanation but their wish has been respected. Now the contact has been resumed.

I purposely put no gender for DC1 because she is also a girl and I knew everyone would assume a boy because it is favourite child scenario. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse that neither are boys but DD1 is the complete opposite, wishes she could live with him and not me.

I mean I was relieved that DD2 wasn’t a boy, because then DD1 could have got pushed out and that did worry me

I have a DD who is 14 and has chosen not to have contact with her father. It is a very long story, but I had advice from SS. Over 13 it would be incredibly unlikely that a court would force contact as how do you 'make' a teenager do anything they don't want to.
At 14 if your DC is NT they will almost certainly be gillick competent and able to understand their decisions.
On all of this basis if a 14 year old has decided that they do not want contact with a parent I would and have respected and supported that decision.
However, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My DD will not tell her dad just deflects to me because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings/has suffered emotional abuse at his hands. So he believes that I am a wicked mother using my child as a pawn,
I want my daughter to grow up to be a strong confident woman who feels she has control over her own relationships and this is the best way I feel to do that.

That’s exactly how I feel! I want her to stand up for herself - happy to help her and support

I’m going to just make it sound like it’s temporary for now - hopefully she will come round to the idea of honesty in her own time