Minor Contact Squabble with Ex - Not sure which way to go

[T2705]

Hi all,

New here with a pretty small problem compared to a lot of you so apologies if it sounds silly.

Me and EdH been split up 2 years, 2 DCs 10 and 8, we have managed to keep it just about amicable for the sake of the kids (I instigated the split - he did not want it to happen despite years of treating me like shit). He has become a much better dad since the split which is a good thing for the DCs - he has contact EOW (fri eve to sun eve) and on Weds for dinner.

He was meant to book time off work during half term to spend some time with the kids (and also help with the childcare as I also work part time) but despite us discussing holidays etc in January he didn't bother booking it with work until last week when he was unable to take it. Same with the summer holidays (thats a whole other story).

Anyway, last bank holiday weekend was his weekend, kids came back to me on Sunday night and had sun night and monday with me. This bank holiday weekend (which is my weekend) my DD asked if they could do the same in reverse, which I thought was a great idea particularly as he hasn't got any other extra time off work for the foreseeable. It also happens to be my birthday Sunday, so I thought it would be quite nice to be able to have the DCs all day and then go out for the evening after dropping them off but this was honestly was just a bonus - I wasn't trying to "dump" them on him so I could bugger off out.

Anyway, When I mentioned it to him last week he said "he supposed he could have them" I told him that he didn't "have" to have them if he didn't want to but that I had assumed he would enjoy the extra contact (being as I am the evil bitch that ripped him away from his family obvs). He didn't really come back after that so I text him again last night and his response was along the lines of he could have them if they really want to see him but he is penniless so won't be able to do anything with them so they will be bored but its up to them".

Now, I take this as he doesn't want to have them especially as it will enable me to go out. but obviously he won't say that. The kids aren't hugely worried either way whether they go to him or not despite DD being the one to request it initially. One half of me is tempted to say fine, dont worry about it and keep the kids with me - (which is what I always did when we were together - I am not begging their own dad to have contact with them) or do I make him have them anyway given that he is also their parent and it won't bloody kill him to have them one extra night?

Sorry its turned out to be a bit long and I know this is a really minor issue compared to lots of others here - apologies I just want some other opinions on it please.

Well he obviously did it to prevent you going out and meeting a decent man!!
Keep your private life /plans to yourself in future!!

Haha I already have one who is very lovely! Obviously Ex wasn't happy at all when he found out.

I know this is why he is being awkward and he knows but what do you think I should do? Just breezily say "yep kids want to come to you ill drop them at 6pm" or stick to my pride and tell him not to worry about it if its too inconvenient for him?!

I’d say why are you so emotionally invested still.

Just take his offer or leave it

Don’t analyse his words

There truly really is no point

Not sure how you can ‘make him have them’. You’ve offered contact, it’s up to him.

Emotionally invested because I want my kids to have a decent relationship with their dad, and probably because I stupidly feel guilty that I broke up the family albeit with hugely justifiable reasons and am now extremely happy while he feels he lost everything (again, totally justified but I'm not a fan of tearing someone's life apart no matter how much of a twat they've been). I want them to see him but not if he doesn't want to see them. I do everything in my power to promote good contact etc because I will not have it thrown back at me in the future that he (potentially) doesn't have a good relationship with his dcs because of anything I've done.

@northern he's essentially left the ball in my court, on previous occasions when I have felt that he doesn't actually want the contact then I don't force the issue because as mentioned above I don't see why I should make my kids go to him if it's such a chore for him, however, I also don't know if this is the best way to react, I was essentially a single parent for years despite being with him so am well used to doing everything on my own but as friends and family keep pointing out to me the dcs have 2 parents and they should be able to go to him for extra time occasionally.

I would breezily say that's fab. The kids will be with you for six. I am sure he will make the effort once they are there

It is his way of having some control over you and the situation. Don't let him. Enjoy your birthday.

I am with @eve34.

They don’t have to have money to have a good time.

Actually if you are trying to make sure you can tell kids you did everything , you must send them . He will say I offered but you always said it doesn’t matter .

Also your private life is private remember you separated because he was horrible to you . He isn’t going to start been nice to you because you ended the relationship . How the two of you can work together as parents depends on him as much as you.