Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Abusive ex and Contact

2 replies

Mumoftwo23 · 21/05/2018 13:30

Hi everyone I am new to this!

I would be very grateful for some advice or words of wisdom on my eventful life:

So I have a 7yo DD from previous relationship and an 8 month old DS with my now abusive ex.. (yes two kids two dads I know 🙄) so I have a great friendship with my DD's dad and we get on well and all is fine. Now me and ex (DS's dad) split up recently due to me realising what an abusive narcissist he is and the fact I cannot live like this anymore. He moved out during my pregnancy as he decided he did not want to pay bills or rent or help in anyway possible he just liked to live at my home for free and treat me like his mother! So he moved in with his dad in a poky flat but we decided to stay together.. my pregnancy was difficult as he acted like a spoilt baby throughout and constantly gave me grief and started and left new jobs every other week but hey ho I stuck with it and tried to make the best of it! Roll on DS being born, ex was very controlling of the baby for the first few days eg would barely let me hold him apart from to breast feed but didn't want to help in anyway he just wanted to lie around and cuddle him, (i came home from giving birth to make dinner and pick up DD etc) I have not slept one night yet in 8 months as DS doesn't like to sleep! Ex refused to ever help out in the night on the nights he would stay over as he said DS "hurts his arms" anyway on day 4 after me giving birth I said I wanted to go out without him to visit my elderly grandma and he lost it, told me I had stole his baby we had a big argument where he eventually left and then text me loads of abusive messages telling me what a C I am and how me and DD are obsessed with one another and she's a "twat to him" 😐 (She was 6 at the time) he then told me he was going to kill himself, took and over dose and ended up in hospital... turns out he has major mental health issues I wasn't aware of and also a long term history of taking steroids for the gym.. again I forgave him and let him back in our lives. This sort of thing has been going on for months (him telling me off for taking kids swimming without him, telling me off for wearing makeup, nasty messages when he doesn't get his own way etc) I decided enough was enough and broke up with him but said we could be friends for DS and he can still come round to see him whenever he wants.. (after the hospital visit social services got involved and advised ex not to be left alone with DS) the abuse got worse and he kept threatening me with court and mediation. He also stopped paying CSA months ago. So I arranged mediation and went to the meeting but ex refused to go and then said he was happy with the access he gets. Less than a week later he decides he's unhappy with it again and threatens court etc all over again. The mediatior told me everything that has been going on is domestic abuse and told me to speak to someone, I told my health visitor who also agreed and has referred me to a solicitor and not to have any contact with ex and don't allow him round. Now I'm waiting for the solicitor appointment I'm nervous as to how the future is going to be and if it does end in going to court what sort of access ex will get? I am happy for him to have a relationship with DS but in a supervised way to start with or at least until he gets help with his mental health. At the moment I do not trust him around him. If anyone has read his far then thank you! Any advice would be really really appreciated xxx

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 22/05/2018 23:33

I’d decide what you believe would be best for your ds and what will work for you in terms of logistics. Be clear how ex can see ds, stay calm and consistent (which is harder than it sounds). Document everything that happens, keep all texts and screen shot all social media,
The court will allow him access but since he’s already refused meditation once, refused to support his child and changed his mind about access, they won’t be too sympathetic.
Just keep your ds’s well-being foremost and let the court sort it out.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 23/05/2018 13:20

From what you've said, I'd say the odds are high that your ex will never take this to Court. But, if he does, there is a huge amount of help there for you as a family to ensure that the arrangements the Court orders are safe and supportive. A Family Court Judge's only priority will be the wellbeing of your child - they will always try to maintain a relationship between children and their parents, but they have a range of tools and conditions available to them to ensure that contact is safe (including ordering supervised contact only).

You don't say whether Social Services are still involved with you. I would suggest that you maintain that engagement, because their views will be key. If the case goes to Court, the Judge will request a report from an organisation called CAFCASS - they examine all the facts of the case, and advise the Court on things that might be relevant. That would definitely include any risks that your ex poses to your son. Given the conclusions Social Services have reached on the risk of unsupervised access, that will be a very important factor - so you need to ensure that, if it does go to Court, your CAFCASS case officer is aware of the SS involvement, and talks to your social worker. Even if this doesn't go to Court, the continuing involvement of Social Services and other support arrangements will help to ensure that your son is protected.

If Social Services aren't still involved, then talk to your health visitor about an Early Help Assessment - it's a tool that can be used to identify support that a family needs that falls short of full Social Services monitoring. This was invaluable to me when my ex's mental health issues were causing her to engage in seriously erratic behaviour, and following a couple of assaults on me. The mere fact of the authorities' involvement can be enough to rein in the worst behaviour.

Those things will help to ensure that your son is protected through all of this, and that any Court hearing has the information it needs to make an Order that is safe and appropriate. But the Family Court will not address issues around the involvement that you personally have with your ex. If you feel at all threatened in your interactions with him, please report it to the Police immediately. And you may wish to speak to your lawyer about a Non-Molestation Order. You can find information about those at www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence - it's a way for a Court to impose restrictions on your ex to manage any risk that he poses to you. You might also find it helpful to speak to a domestic violence charity, who can help guide you through ways you can protect yourself, as well as offering the emotional support that you will need.

Finally, it may be impertinent (and it is not what you asked about), but I would suggest you seek out some sort of therapy before you even consider getting into another relationship. You spent a lot of time tolerating the intolerable in this relationship. It is always worth doing the work on yourself to understand why that was, and to address any issues with self confidence etc before you consider getting involved with anybody else, to remove the risk of repeating the cycle. Just to be clear - this isn't blaming you for his behaviour - it's about understanding yourself, and getting yourself to a healthy place so you never again find yourself in that position. Trust me when I say that this is a lot of work, but totally worth it!

Hope that helps a little!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread