She's either playing a good game, or stupid. Which one?

[Nonmotherof3]

My OH's kids live with us full time.

Court order says their mum can call at set times and has supervised access in contact centre. Mum (not us) took situation back to court after my partner was awarded full residency and this is what she agreed.

The children have a tablet with video call connection and are always available at the set times.

She never calls at times allocated in the order. This week she was radio silent till Thursday afternoon and missed her call. There's no notice to her not calling but the messages she sends after allude to us preventing her from speaking to the children. We aren't but they are all under 9 and can't sit around waiting for calls that don't come at times we don't know they are coming.

Now we have asked to move the contact time as the children have clubs which clash and kick off about seeing their mum and missing clubs. So we have asked to move to fit in around this. Yesterday she said it was fine. Today I wake up to messages saying it's not.

I am so confused by what we should be doing, what's right for the children and if I am indeed going insane. We are trying to let the mum have a good relationship with the children dispite all this but its hard to manage. Please help.

Ps I have to be so positive about their mum to them, for them. And i think she's a knob. I actually want her to sort herself out before the kids realise the severity of this mess

It’s your responsibility to make the kids available for contact / calls. The mum doesn’t ‘have’ to take this up (not fair I know).

Indirect contact (via calls is normal). Is there a window stated in the order? For example 6pm - 6:30pm? It’s your husbands job (not yours he’s the RP) to make them available.

Contact with the mum (incl calls) comes before kids clubs, parties. That’s what you would be told in court.

If she misses contact then I would record it.

Thanks NorthernSpirit.

Kids are always available. She never gives warning if she doesn't call just kicks of after.

When we moved the contact time we asked her if it was ok. Made it clear if she couldn't move that was fine with all of us (in writing via text and email) she confirmed it was fine when she eventually replied and then sent a message saying it was not fine at midnight last night. I've sent a message to contact centre asking if they can accommodate her requests but worried it is too late.

I can't keep up!

First of all even the most imperfect of mums wouldn’t lose their children in a court battle. So straight off I am guessing she can’t be of a good nature to not have her children, she will be acting out to gain the attention she has lost by losing control of the situation. If she doesn’t call when she is supposed to it’s tough sh*t in my eyes.
Now all this said it will affect the children. She needs calmly reminding her childish games will long term affect her children and if she has any love for them she must stop and call when she should!

2kids1me she hasn't displayed the best parenting skills....the kids came to us after a day in a crack house. It's like something out of corrie....

I actually feel very, very sorry for the woman. I try (try) to make it easy for her to see and have contact - so I message and say don't forget to call the kids today to remind her, have booked her doctors appointments, taxis to get to contact (and paid). She's fine with this and I've always tried to be polite and civil to her. It's mostly so the kids don't suffer as they know very little (although have seen alot) so I have this stupid bloody belief that she will realise what she is doing, sort her life out and somehow be a mum.

At the moment she just takes the rope and screams unfairness when it doesn't go her way though....very frustrating. She gives me a whole load of abuse on a regular basis in return when she doesn't like what's happening (says OH doesn't love me, blah blah blah)

It's also so odd, as she is from a really stable normal type of family with a lovely mum (who I feel terribly sorry for) and a dad who walks the dog at the same time daily and clearly never deviates from his chosen take away menu. Just nice people. I cant get my head round it.

@nonmotherof3 you must have the patience of a saint - well done you. What a difficult situation. You sound like you're doing everything you can to promote positive contact and I hope you get applauded for that by everyone around you!

I assume you keep a note of all of the times the children have been available for telephone contact that has not happened?

Like pp I was going to check you record each missed contact. In fact I would record each instance of verbal abuse and each reminder given of contact as well. You don't need to do anything with them but should you ever wish to go back to court for any reason they will be really useful.

The key point of contact is that it is in the best interests of the dc not for the benefit of the dm. If the dc now have a routine regular club they wish to attend as part of their development then request formally for contact time to be moved. This may take a while to sort but once sorted stick like glue to new arrangement.

It sounds like she is neither stupid or playing a good game but an addict who is unable to put her dc before her addictions.

Thank you all.

I only ever communicate with her by text so it's all there in black and white.

She is something else. It's really hard not to bite sometimes, especially when she never actually asks how the kids are, just how awful we are for taking them from her and how sad she is. Never after them though