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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Court order. Controlling ex.

13 replies

Kittp · 15/05/2018 23:34

Need advise please. Narc ex husband moved to Spain when we split up. He has always resented me for chucking him out thinking I was too weak to do it.
Ever sincehe has been intent on revenge. He came back to the UK and didn't contact us in-between. Next thing I know he applied for a court order. Despite him lying on the form I was hoping this would finally mean consistency and stableness for our girls. How wrong was I. He hasn't stuck to it for nearly 3 years. Changing it to suit him. I've been accomodating of his holidays, football matches, rugby, sickness etc etc.
Now the CMS are taking money from his bank. He is livid. Stopped having the girls altogether unless I provide all meals and breakfast. Now he is sending defamatory emails stating I'm not being amicable (despite me offering to send lunch) and it's my fault he is in this situation (despite 49k a year and him renting a 5 bed house for 2 adults and one child) and apparently even his family and doctor is disgusted with me and the girls will be equally as disappointed in their mothers actions! Now he is saying he wants to call the girls twice a week.
Advise pls. Should I let the phone calls occur. They aren't in the court order. I find give him an inch and he takes a mile.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 15/05/2018 23:40

I would let him take you to court for a variation to the order. If you have a record of when he's missed contact, been abusive etc I don't think a judge is going to have much time for his nonsense. How old are your DDs and how often does he actually see them? Is there anything to suggest they would benefit from this sudden addition of calls?

notapizzaeater · 15/05/2018 23:42

Not in the order then tough, if he really wants it let him go back t9 court

Doyoumind · 15/05/2018 23:46

Also, although maintenance is separate to contact I think he'll find a judge taking a dim view of any suggestion he's not responsible for feeding the DC when they are with him!

Original poster

Kittp · 16/05/2018 06:27

He won't take it back to court. He tells me he can't afford that either so it says it's down to me to do it. it's his way or no way there's no compromise at all but then he has the nerve to accuse me of not being willing to compromise. I have 10 A4 pages of times he has broken the court order. He duflex every bit of bad behaviour that he has done on to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kittp · 16/05/2018 06:28

That should say deflects, not duflex.

OP posts:

Happinesss · 16/05/2018 07:38

How old are your girls and what do they think about it? Do they want the phone calls?

NorthernSpirit · 16/05/2018 07:47

Contact and maintenance are separate, children aren’t pay per view so keep them separate.

He might be an arse, but contact is for the girls. Yes I woukd ‘let’ him call them. The way you phrase it sounds very controlling. How woukd you feel ifcthe shoe was on the other foot and you weren’t ‘allowed’ to speak to your own children? Doesn’t matter what he’s done to you, it’s about what’s best for the children. Why would you stop them speaking to their own dad?

Starlight2345 · 16/05/2018 09:01

Do not discuss money with him. Tell him discuss it with cms .

Tell him due to difficulties you will now be following court order. You won’t be providing food but children are available as court order .

Do not get into negotiations with him pointless as there will always want something more

ems137 · 16/05/2018 16:00

northern - perhaps she might not want to 'let' him mess them around and let them down anymore. Until you've witnessed your children being continually let down and being promised days out, phone calls and visits that never or rarely happen then it's easy enough to assume any contact is better than nothing.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 16/05/2018 16:03

What on earth has his doctor got to do with it

NorthernSpirit · 16/05/2018 16:47

@ems137 - i’m seeing the opposite of this. A dad who wants to be part of his kids lives but a bitter EW who uses the children as weapons. After 2 years enough was enough and he took her to court for access - he has never missed a single call or contact weekend (does all the pick ups and drop offs). Mother won’t ‘let’ him speak to the children on their birthdays if it doesn’t fall on the court ordered telephone call day. Is that fair? Is that in the best interests of the children? Who is she.... god? Why would a mother stop children from speaking to their dad? Because they hate the EH more than they love their own children?

Kids aren’t ‘owned’ by one parent, they are a product of two. Why should the mother dictate and control (if it’s in the best interest of the kids)?

Starlight2345 · 16/05/2018 17:40

What part of refuses to see them altogether unless she provides breakfast and lunch is a man desperate for contact with his dad

What part of I have accommodated , football rugby, holidays and sickness is controlling .

I think you can’t see past your own situation @nothern . I have personally seen the damage kids been let down time and time again does.

virgo8 · 16/05/2018 22:10

@NorthernSpirit I think @Starlight2345 is correct. You struggle to see past your own situation. Do you have children of your own? Have you had to watch how detrimental it can be to them having such an unreliable parent who would rather play mind games than put the best interests of their children first?

I've seen you provide some great advice to lone parents before but I have also seen you constantly put mums down for questioning the stability of their children's fathers. It's great your partner is a Dad willing to do anything for his children and it's a shame that his ex wife is apparently such a control freak but not all situations are like the one you are part of. Both parents have parental rights absolutely - but that does not mean either parent gets to do as they please because of this.

OP I think you are right to be cautious about the phone calls with how little effort he is making for his contact. You could always say that if he can maintain regular contact on days agreed then this could be added in? I was bullied into agreeing FaceTime for my eldest DD 3 times a week because I wanted to be as accommodating as possible and she enjoyed speaking to her Dad on it just before bed time. After 2 weeks he stopped - he was too busy, he forgot, his phone died. The list went on. One night I had to cuddle her while she cried herself to sleep. That was 5 months ago and not once has he done it again. In your situation It sounds like he's just after a form of control or a way to push you. I will always try to work with my DD dad but it needs to be in her best interest first and foremost. If your unsure then offer a compromise that suits your child so your trying to co-operate without being bullied into what suits him or letting him make out like your denying him anything with regards to his child.

Good luck. X

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