Contact with gran?

[jamjami]

I've recently cut off from my own mother as we jut can't get on at all. However I still want her to see my kids. I've said the kids are free every Sunday (she doesn't have to see them every Sunday but the option is there if she wishes). She still constantly calls and messages and wants to face time my youngest, ds at 20 months. I feel it's a bit much as my ds is too young to talk or interact so it's usually just her asking me questions which is draining! My question is how often do your Los see grandparents? Is facetiming every night reasonable and I'm being picky? Would appreciate advice x

Puzzled why you want your dc to see her but you don't... I am nc with my dm and so are my dc.

She depresses me completely. She puts ne down, constantly criticises everything I do, throws everything back in my face. It's for my own sanity that I'm cutting contact.

She’s using the kids to see you / break NC. I woukd be cautious and stick to the times you have specified. No need for her to contact everyday.

We have had a terrible relationship since I was young but my dc are her only grandchildren so I would never cut that contact.

If she isn't a positive person for you then inflicting her poison on your dc is not very responsible of you imo. .. They need a dm of good mh more than they need a dgm around.

Thanks Nothernspirit. It does feel like she's just using it as a means of control. It's usually at bedtime too which is totally inconvenient. I've left it at contact once a week so hopefully she can stick to it.

I wouldn’t want anyone near a child of mine who criticised and was rude to or about me. If you’re not willing to have a relationship with her why would you make you innocent children do so?

If she wanted to be an involved granny she should have been a better mum to you!

How would you explain to your DC that granny’s mean to mummy and upsets her but you’re sending them into the lions den?

Her issues are only with me, she's like Mary poppins with my dc. Trying to make up for all the crap she put me through I'm guessing.

Anne I totally agree about her being a better mum.but my dc really have a good relationship with her. Apart from my oldest who is too cool for anyone now.

The question is can she be trusted not to bad mouth you to your dc? Is it fair to expect them to enjoy time with her when as they get older and realise the rift between you both they will feel they have been disloyal to you in some ways?

Yes she definitely knows she can't bad mouth me. I have a really good open relationship with my dc so it won't be an issue. Their relationship with her doesn't correlate with my relationship with her so I don't feel there will be any loyalty issues.

Just tell her face time is not convenient so you will no longer be facilitating it. It’s not like she’s going to fall out with you

Oh she will lol.... That's the problem lol.

Every night is way too much. Especially if you are having to be involved when you don't want to be.

My parents live nearby. The kids have tea with them once a week, one of them likes to stay over on a Friday, we usually spend an afternoon together at the weekend. Sometimes the kids choose to go round on their own, but those are the only sort of set times we have.
In-laws are not local. We see them maybe once every 3 weeks. They usually phone once a week. The kids FaceTime occasionally if they have something to say, if something exciting had happened at school for example. But not regularly.

What age are your older kids? Can they call her themselves if they want to speak to her?

My oldest is 15 and chooses not to see her that much anymore (busy doing teen stuff ) but they message each other. She sees the oldest 3 every Sunday and my youngest probably every second Sunday. The latest fight was about her saying she has her own life and I have to raise my own kids so this calling every night is just a kick in the teeth.