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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Should I be providing?

18 replies

virgo8 · 12/05/2018 12:21

Hi all just looking for some advice on where I stand with this. I have 2 DD with STBXH. They stay with me full time and he takes them 1-2 times a week for a few hours (his choice - overnights have been offered, he hasn't accepted). Now up until last week I was providing everything for our youngest - milk, nappies, wipes, bottles, changing bag etc on his time but was advised that on his time it's up to him to provide and this is taken into account when cms calculate his maintenance. He has not paid me the full maintenance set out by cms and is over £100 short every month but cms are proving less than helpful so I haven't been able to do much about that.

My question is, am I right to ask that he should provide for the girls when he has them? I'm still providing bottles but with everything else I don't know where I stand.

Any help would be really appreciated

OP posts:

Aprilmightbemynewname · 12/05/2018 12:24

It's not providing though - it's enabling him to be a lazy tight arse.
Make a list of all HE needs to go out and buy.
Remind him you had to and he is also a parent - so make him parent.
Or trust me when things get forgotten in what you send there will be hell to pay and you will get the blame.
No bag, no blame.

NorthernSpirit · 12/05/2018 12:34

Yes, he should be providing everything for his time.

I’m a stepmum. We have the kids (2) EOW and half the holidays. My OH pays over £700 per month in maintenance. We have absolutely everything at ours, clothes, toiletries, coats etc etc.... at ours. The kids don’t come with anything but the clothes that they are in. It’s not a hotel that they visit.

Original poster

virgo8 · 12/05/2018 23:23

Thank you both for your replies and I am glad I'm not crazy for thinking he isn't on. He actually dropped both DD off at my mums tonight and refused to hand over the bottles and said he's keeping them (even though he doesn't have a steriliser) and won't return them unless I provide a changing bag for him. And he's also said that the next time he collects them he's picking up the pram and keeping it because his mum bought it ... 4 years ago. I'm at my whits end

OP posts:

jamjami · 13/05/2018 00:25

I definitely wouldn't be sending anything if that's his attitude.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 00:31

The CMS payment for the non resident parent to pay is calculated based on how many nights they have with the DC over a year. So if he has no overnights then he should be paying the full amount on his income. Eg if the NRP has the DC a night a week they pay a bit less to account for providing for them during contact.

Is he self employed which means they’re not able to take what you’re owed directly?

All that aside, he should be paying for everything when he has them. He’s barely doing anything and the least he can manage is nappies and milk. If he doesn’t sort it all then he can’t have them. Otherwise it’s going to cost you for him to see them. Which would be mad.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 00:34

X post. Write off the bottles and tell him you won’t be providing them with anything from now on.

He has next to no time with them at his own choice, he’s pretty much bailed on parenting them, he’s not giving you what the children are owed from his wages. He can but his only bloody bag. What a twat.

abbsisspartacus · 13/05/2018 00:38

Give him a Tesco bag TWAT

Original poster

virgo8 · 13/05/2018 08:35

Thank you all for your replies. I've had to go through the last 7 months like this and it's infuriating. I feel like I've finally hit a wall and I'm sick to death of having to bend over backwards to encourage parenting.

He is the type though even if I tell him he's to provide for the girls he will show up for them with nothing because he knows I would never see our DD without. Am I at that point to say I won't hand them over? I have always tried to avoid any eventuality like that but I feel he pushes for me to do it. When I asked for the bottles back and said I could hardly hand the girls to him if he had nothing for them or didn't return what I provided he said 'can you put it in writing that your denying me access to my children then'. It's exhausting.

He's not self employed no but CMS have said if they open a case to arrest from his wages then it takes around 13 weeks and in this time he won't pay a thing. I'm on maternity leave at the moment and wasn't able to account for a lone parent income before finishing work (he left for OW out the blue when I was 7 months pregnant) so as much as I hate it I rely on the maintenance right now, even though it's short. Im having to cut short maternity and go back to work early so my plan is to open the action then when I can have more control over my finances.

OP posts:

jamjami · 13/05/2018 10:55

You have two choices, either send nothing and hope this forces him to start buying stuff or put it in writing to him that he has to provide everything and when he shows up without the stuff then obviously you can't hand kids over. Both tough to do but stand your ground!

NorthernSpirit · 13/05/2018 10:57

Sorry, don’t agree about not ‘handing the kids over’ that’s incredibly cruel and childish. Kids aren’t pay per view.

He needs to provide stuff. His responsibility.

BPG20 · 13/05/2018 11:05

He really needs to have everything they need at his house. I honestly think that unless he has a very good reason for not having things there then overnight visits should stop. It puts the responsibility all on you - if you forget to send something important, he will say it's your fault.

He also needs to be prepared as a parent to take them in an emergency. If you got for by a car this afternoon who's going to pack a bag for your children to stay at their dad's?

BPG20 · 13/05/2018 11:06

*got hit by a car

ColdCottage · 13/05/2018 11:11

I don't know much about this but I'd put everything that happens into an email to someone (can even email yourself) so you have a record. Then you can reasonably say with evidence that he isn't providing for them and so it's not suitable for them to go there until he gets the stuff needed. Social services can check he is set up properly before hand them over again. Make sure you get permission to withhold access on his basis before you stop through.

rockshandy · 13/05/2018 11:14

Kids aren't pay per view but they also shouldn't be in the care of someone who can't/won't provide for them.

He doesn't get to check out of the responsibility and still get to see them, with the OP footing the bill on reduced CM.

If he cannot show himself to be a capable and trustworthy father then you need to consider whether spending time with him is in their interests.

NorthernSpirit · 13/05/2018 11:20

You will only ‘get permission to withhold access’ if there are serious safe guarding issues. Providing clothes etc is not a safeguarding issue. Social services will not get involved in this or check.

If this goes to court for you withholding due to something as petty as providing clothes (which I agree he should provide) it will be frowned upon.

Children have a right to see their dad and you withholding contact will stop that right. Courts do not take this lightly.

My OH pays over £700 a month in maintenance for 2 children. We have everything for them at our house. There was an incident recently were the mother threatened to strip the children naked when they walk to the dads car in ‘her’ clothes (they are 12 & 9). Remember this isn’t ‘your’ stuff it’s the children’s. Is it really that big a deal that you could be taken to court? Just don’t send stuff and he will have to provide.

Original poster

virgo8 · 13/05/2018 11:32

I absolutely agree it's the children's and this is why I've always provided everything. But if it's not going to be returned then that's not fair on the children either. I'm not looking for him to provide clothes (I've already gave him a bag of clothes for each DD for his house) but I am now looking for him to provide what is required for their care and wellbeing when he has them.

And I totally agree that if I ever forget to put anything in the bag then it's held against me and I don't think that's fair.

I do not want to stop access. I work hard to ensure the girls see their dad, even when he doesn't. But I do think I need to stand my ground that he has to provide on his time

OP posts:

Original poster

virgo8 · 13/05/2018 11:35

@BPG20 thank you for that example btw. That's actually a really good way to word it so I plan to say that to him

OP posts:

Passthecake30 · 13/05/2018 11:39

If it's just a few hours a couple of times a week, that's a couple of bottles and a couple of nappies/wipes isn't it? Tbh I'd provide them while in nappies and on formula so that the kids didn't go without. As they get older they'll be more vocal and can voice what you need, but assuming you have babies I would just send them in a carrier bag tbh. Would a tin of milk go off as he would barely use it? They'd grow out of the nappies?

I know it then seems enabling, but if it's literally brought for a couple of hours, doesn't seem worth the agro,

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