Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable (absent dad)

18 replies

Louclare · 12/05/2018 08:11

Hi I have a 2 year old daughter who dad left when I found out I was pregnant wasn't ready etc....i didn't really hear from him anymore he played the odd bit of money if I mentioned csa but not much said he wanted nothing to do with "it".....i did write and send photos to his parents in case they wanted to be Involved but got nothing back.Anyway about 5 months ago he messages me wants to be a dad I later found out someone had messaged his new partner and she and her family disapproved so I never felt it was my daughter's dad disision but I let him meet her he couldn't come alone needed support which I agreed on so his partner is there every time.i feel my daughter didn't have a dad for 2 years and now she gets to share one no one to one time and he never asks anything about our daughter .I want to ask him to see her alone and put more effect in ....advice please ??? I have found the whole thing extremely stressful and seeing him play happy families with his new partner and our daughter is hard as he treated me so bad but I try for my daughter.

OP posts:

jamjami · 12/05/2018 10:07

I would just message him and be honest and say your daughter needs to get to know him first. Yes he may need support or whatever but actually it's not about him. It's about a little girl. So just be open and honest. Good luck x

Original poster

Louclare · 12/05/2018 11:44

Thanks I just think she deserves some one to one attention from him after being absent and that's one of reasons I haven't added him to birth certificate as he turned down first time but now wants to be in it and hassles me about it I want to see he is trying and I am not seeing it

OP posts:

loopylass13 · 12/05/2018 13:30

I would not put him on the birth certificate for quite a while because once he is on it, he has legal rights and responsibilities. I would not want to risk that when he could flake out at any moment, or come back any time to cause issues. I would say adding him to the birth certificate is the very last thing you should do, get everything else sorted first and ensure he stays consistent for a set period otherwise no point giving away legal rights so easily to him.

Starlight2345 · 12/05/2018 16:55

I agree with pp. say you were happy for him to have support and initially but now it is time to start building a bond and he needs to do this 1-1 . Also is he now paying child support bet he isn’t so insistent about that.

mustbemad17 · 12/05/2018 16:57

I wouldn't be having his new partner anywhere tbh, she has no part to play in this. Your daughter needs to build a bond with her dad on his own.
As for hassling you to go on the BC, if he cannot grow up enough to spend alone time getting to know his daughter, he isn't grown up enough to take 50% parental responsibility

Original poster

Louclare · 12/05/2018 17:27

Thank you I asked him if he would be willing to see her alone sometimes he got so angry....says he runs in circles for me I have let them come into my house to see her I've done days they want I've never cancelled and I said I needed time before birth certificate now he is saying he will get on it and go to court it's so upsetting and stressful to me I don't kn o where to turn

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 12/05/2018 17:51

Then I think it is time to tell him you want regular contact on a schedule that works for you both, regular maintenance and then when he has built up that bond you will add him.

He is right in one sense court will add it but if he knows that it will happen in the future he is less likely to go.

My guess though is this is all to do with g/ friend. If they split up he may well loose interest again

Original poster

Louclare · 12/05/2018 17:56

They are getting married very rushed as she is late 30s and in his words he wants to start a family which is hard to hear from someone who wasn't ready or interested in his first born.if they have a child my daughter will loose out another reason he got made is I mentioned csa I know he earns a lot.

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 12/05/2018 18:31

So he gets mad at the thought of having to pay for his child, doesn't want to spend time with her alone...but still wants the PR. I'd be wary OP, that would be ringing alarm bells in my head.

Put your foot down & be firm. This is about your daughter nobody else

Original poster

Louclare · 12/05/2018 18:36

I would honestly go without any money if I could get rid of the stress ...he doesn't want csa involved but sorting out with his accountant apparently but not until they return from holiday and he wants to see his daughter early in morning next visit as they are going to a 1 year old birthday party

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 12/05/2018 18:41

Personally i wouldn't. He wants to be dad he takes on every aspect of being dad, no arguments. Even if you put it away for your daughter. Don't let him call the shots, he has a lot of time to make up for & prove himself

Original poster

Louclare · 12/05/2018 18:47

I don't have a partner been too busy raising and providing for his child last 2 years but it feels like him and his partner against me at the moment he only sees her couple hours every two weeks and that was at my house until recently she was ready for short trips....i also worry about when I have to tell her why she has no baby photos with her dad

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 12/05/2018 18:51

My DD is 6 & hasn't seen her dad since she was 7 months old. I'm lucky now that i have an amazing partner, but i get exactly what you mean. I have very few pics of DD & her dad, she has started asking questions now. It's hard but you'll figure it out....for me i say me & her dad just aren't friends. When she gets older if he is still around, he can answer a few home truths for her

Original poster

Louclare · 12/05/2018 19:00

It's so hard in a way I wish he wasn't bk in picture and I could meet someone who can be a proper dad to her I know they say it's better to have the dad but like you said she will find out he already asked me to not say anything as she won't ask! Of course she will

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 12/05/2018 19:07

I'll be totally honest, the last time her dad asked to be in her life i was relieved it went tits up. He had form for not being consistent so the deal was always the same if he wanted to be in her life; he started writing to her once a week, every week for two months, then we had a discussion about him meeting her. Every time without fail (we've done this four or five times now) he has used it to slag me off in letters, then after 3 weeks just stopped bothering. The thought of him dropping her like a used football terrifies me so watching the pattern replay itself is relieving.

He is trying to call an awful lot of shots with her imo. Of course she will ask, once she goes to nursery for example she will see other kids with their dads. Mine at 3 told me she didn't have a daddy like her friends, but it was okay because she had the best mummy. Tugged so much because it made me realise just how much she was already picking up. Don't lie for him is all i will say. It can bite you on the ass

Original poster

Louclare · 12/05/2018 19:20

I won't lie I will be honest he always maintained he wanted nothing to do with her he is like a child himself he treated me horribly and can't take criticism. I have a 10 year old son who has a great relationship with his grandad so it doesn't have to be biological parent in my opinion.i can't see any benefit so far only stress

OP posts:

mustbemad17 · 12/05/2018 19:25

Exactly, sometimes dads (and mums for fairness) are not worth the relationship

Starlight2345 · 12/05/2018 21:51

Then start getting tough. It is a regular time if it is only a couple of hours every 2 weeks . Unless he is self employed I would open up a case with cms Monday . Cases won’t be back dated. Your dd is entitled to this money.
He doesn’t seem very interested in been a dad except for bc.

Flip