Introducing new partners - best practice!

[PenelopeChipShop]

Just wondering if anyone who’s been there has any wisdom. Been separated from DH a year. He has consistently seen our two kids (5 and just 2) since leaving, Sunday afternoons and one evening ‘visit’ to do bedtime per week. He lives about half an hour away. He has only had the oldest overnight twice I think, the youngest not at all yet (but we mutually agreed to move towards this gradually, I didn’t really want her to go yet, plus she was still bf).

We’re thinkjng about moving towards him having them both overnight more regularly. We are reasonably amicable —even though he is a dickhead—

His new partner moved in about a month or so ago. So far we haven’t really made an announcement to the kids as such about it - they know her from visits as ‘daddy’s friend’. As hey haven’t stayed overnight it hasn’t really seemed necessary to point out that she lives there. But I think it won’t be long before my oldest figures that out, anyway - he would know that shoes, hairbrushes etc aren’t his dad’s.

Just wondering how I (or ex, really) should handle it. As they’re so young i’ve erred on the side of not giving too much info, but I also don’t want to create s situation where they’re confused about what’s going on and feel they can’t ask. Should I be upfront and say she is daddy’s special friend and they love together now, or similar. What have others done?

Needless to say there is no one on the scene for me!!!

Crikey I meant ‘live together’ not ‘love’. That would be tmi!

It’s up to the dad to do it. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Leave him to it. You say you’re amicable but then call him a dickhead. You sound like you are trying to control things.

Best to be honest, shes not daddies 'special friend' shes daddies partner....and why are they not overnighting with him, bf apart, littliest is 2 and you not wanting her to go yet is quite controlling, sorry. Its up to him to do it and if dc ask any questions to you just be honest and not fluffy with your answers!

It definitely ‘has something to do with me’! She will be there with my children. Crikey in what other area would anyone advise that it just doesn’t matter who is with your children?

I have been trying to ease the transition for them, I never said that they can’t go overnight, just that we’ve been waiting until they’re both ready. Trust me ex hasn’t exactly been pushing for it, he’s been enjoying his child-free time!

I will introduce the idea myself. I think it’s important that they realise it’s not something they have to hide or that I don’t know.

IMHO I am caring, not controlling! Trust me I would love a bit of bloody time to myself!

Do you ask your EX’s permission when you introduce your children to new people? Have you asked his permission on all your friends, child minders etc? I think not....

It’s not got anything to do with you - he’s the father, you have to trust his judgment. Just like he has to trust yours.

If this went to court, it woukd he viewed on control as your part. You can not dictate who the father has around his children on his time.

The poster hasn't mentioned anything about who the father should have around. She's asking how the subject of her exes new partner should be broken to her children. So of course it has something to do with her! Not controlling at all, caring yes!

Poster if you have a good relationship with your ex I would maybe discuss with him and decide on what you both feel is best. Good luck x

Thank you jamjami! I think some people don't even read the post! Obviously this isn't something I'm enjoying but it is what it is and I thought it needed addressing. I mentioned to them at breakfast that his 'friend' is now staying with him for a while. Tbh they didn't really seem very interested either way.

I'm unsure how much of a role she's playing when they're there, I might check with ex when he drops them tonight out of interest. I just thought I should mention it so my oldest doesn't somehow think he has to 'protect' me from knowing she's there or something... he's a quite complex little chap.

Argh the things we have to think about :-(

Wow you've had some harsh responses. Get a grip people she's seeking advice on how to talk to her kids about a difficult conversation. I'm shocked by how rude people feel they can be on here.

I would have a conversation with ex and try to agree best way to approach it if you can. He's thinking about more overnights regularly, and she's living there with him...so he's probably already wondered about this question too?

Children need to feel safe and loved, so as long as it's framed in a way that makes it 'ok' and positive. All families are different, difference is good. Some children live with their mummy, some with their daddy, some with two mummy's, some with Grandma...sometimes a mummy or daddy might remarry or live together with a new partner ...etc etc ...All families are different and beautiful.

Then listen to them and answer questions best you can.

Make sure they know you are 'ok' with it if you can.

If he's stepped up to the mark now new partner has moved in...maybe this could be a good sign that she is going to help facilitate his contact with kids? Give you a well earned rest...let's hope so x

How do you feel about her being around kids...can you make a bond with her?

I think you’re tiptoeing around it a bit too much.

Seems too quick to me, but nothing you can do about that!

Kids are adaptable and will accept things a lot easier than adults sometimes.

It really is up to their father to tell them though. Perhaps when he’s over for his bedtime visit he can say it.

“DC, X is going to be living with me now so she’ll be there with us on Sundays” or whatever.

I had an amicable relationship with my dickhead ex so get where you're coming from OP.

One of the hardest elements of the separation was allowing the other parent to "parent". He did lots of things I didn't agree with, but I had to accept that he had every right to be different to me. I had no control over who was in his life - although I suppose I was lucky that his DP was a lovely woman who genuinely cared for the DCs. The DCs never really questioned the relationship - just accepted that she was there.

Enjoy the child free time!

I understand the amicable but he’s a dickhead thing.. my xP (dd1 Dad) is also a dickhead but I made it all as amicable as I could. You are only responsible for what you do and how you do it tho. You can ask him to try and break it to kids gently or whatever but he’ll do what he wants. If however you get a new partner you can introduce him to your children the way you see fit xx
That’s my opinion. Kids make up their own minds about people in the end.

Thank you for all the responses, it’s good to have some understanding. I think it’s increidbly quick too but I suspect the truth (which of course he won’t admit) is that the groundwork was being laid while we were still together. Of course, according to him they were ‘just friends’... as was the previous woman who tried to kiss him. Anyway it’s water under the bridge now. I am honestly better off without him.

But the kids are so young that I am making an enormous effort to co parent on a friendly basis as we have years to go of all this!!

Doesn’t mean I still don’t think that cheating while trying for a baby with your wife and then leaving her when the youngest child has just turned one isn’t dickhead behaviour. I do and it is!

He’s a prick! Thank god he’s someone else’s problem now, eh?!

Your ex is the one who should tell the kids about his new girlfriend and be the one that does the majority of the talking. I think that he should breezily say "This is A and she is my girlfriend" Using phrases like Special Friend isn't really appropriate for some who the children will know shares a bed, hugs etc their Dad. Most of the questions that your children have may only be answerable by A/ex. (Favourite ice cream flavour, can she do a French plait etc)

Hopefully your children will come home and mention this and observe you being breezy too. "That's nice " I think that showing minimal reaction is the key to them realising that A is not off limits as a topic. (Practice that fake smile!)