Bastard exH what would you tell your child?

[ilikebighugsandicannotlie]

DS dad has bipolar. He was also verbally abusive to me. I left. I would get charmed back after the apologies for a few years it went on - leave, charm, return and repeat back to the abuse. Each time I left he would see DS then stop until I returned etc

Left final time and began divorce. Began receiving multiple texts calling me a cunt etc daily. At the time he was seeing DS but had begun reducing contact again. I sent Solicitors letter threatening non molestation order if it continues. Also sent contact proposal. Months on he's clearly stalling, DS has no contact with dad and he's started crying saying he feels like his dad has died, he's worried if he sees an ambulance something had happened to his dad etc.

I'm not a bitchy mum refusing contact - it's there if he wants it (might not be so reasonable if I didn't know that his DM lived in same house to be fair, but I know DS would be safe and despite my anger towards exDH DS loves his dad and idolises him from the time he has spent with him)

What would you tell your child? It's breaking my heart for him and exH is utterly incapable of considering the emotional impact of his refusal to see DS and stalling over contact proposals, yet too spineless to say he's not interested in contact enough to actually sort it out.

The smokescreen over it is by him paying expensive Solicitors to make any form of contact/reply to anything at all. And of course they "are not in the office till xxx date" or "are off sick/holiday" to cover up the length of time waiting for anything at all.

From an adults perspective it's clear he can't really be arsed and is trying to be clever and not actually look like he can't be arsed since he's "sorting it all through the solicitor" except he's actually not

But what would you tell your child? I'm so at the lies I've told my child covering for this waste of space and furious he can do this to him simply to control and spite me. He's even said in the past in his disgusting messages he's saving the "evidence" to turn DS against me and say I stopped him seeing him. I haven't ever done that... but I'm sure he's told everyone that's the case.

As tempting as it would be to tell your ds the truth, take the moral high ground and be the bigger person. Revel in the fact that every message you get sent he is getting more irate with you as he is realising that he can't control you any longer. These messages will probably get worse as will the threat of turning your ds against you, save the messages, you can always show ds at a later date if the shit hits the fan.

No messages have stopped entirely. All communication has entirely stopped. Which is great for me. Bad for DS.

The control now is via not communicating to respond to contact proposal and stalling with that.

He's too spineless to say "I don't want to see him anymore" so just takes months "instructing" his Solicitors who are "away/off sick" etc

How old is your ds? If be telling the truth, in an age appropriate way. His dad loves him very much but his illness makes it difficult for him to show his feelings? Or something like that. This must be very hard for you, you are a great mum for facilitating a relationship. Do you feel the relationship your d's has with his dad is beneficial?

Does he love him? I have no idea tbh if his dad does actually care about him anymore or is just trying to make himself look less like a nasty person. He's used his illness multiple times as his excuse for abusive behaviour. Shockingly abusive behaviour - far beyond mood swings.

However my DS adores his dad. So when they actually have spent time together he's obviously had a good time staying with him.

Is it beneficial to DS to see him? I don't know. It's not like DS is harmed by seeing him. He is emotionally harmed by not seeing him but that's not in my control currently.

DS is almost 6

Should make clear the abuse is always towards me not DS

I think there a few things you should do . Do the freedom program . My exh has. MH issues and one thing it did was make me separate what was mh and what was abusive behaviour.

The second is your Ds is been damaged by been let down by ex repeatedly.

From your post it sounds like he is only interested is his son to get to you. Not your son.

You also can tell him you are not sure when your dad will see him. You cannot force someone to be interested in their child no matter what you say to them.

That's the thing he won't say he's not going to see him. He makes out he'd trying hard to get it resolved but he's just covering up to people and it's dragging on. If he suddenly sorts it out I would currently agree to it as my son misses and idolises his dad. But I don't know how long till I tell him he's not going to see him, or if I ever make that decision myself.

I've done the freedom programme. After id got out and after I had begun divorce. I realise in hindsight quite how bad it was. And stopped excusing his MH issues as a valid reason to be abused by him. Hence I threatened non molestation order via my solicitor regarding his constant text harassment.

I wish I knew the answer!

(My ex is equally rubbish ie absolutely resisting a frequent and consistent contact arrangement without actually just being honest and saying that he can't bothered. Ridiculously abusive too - sometimes, feels like all his messing about is intended to punish me and seems oblivious of the impact on our DD)

One thing that helped me: I was told in counselling that he was just trying to hurt me and that I shouldn't give him any opportunity to do that. So, all communication is via short formal emails, all changes and messing about are noted via a short email to him eg "I note that...' without comments, suggestions, arguments. The infrequent contact that he has involves collection and drop-off that's not face to face (our DD is old enough to make her way to and from my front door by herself; he and everyone he knows is totally blocked from my social media etc etc. Don't get sucked into his nonsense, always take the higher ground, behave decently and do nothing that you would not want your child to learn of later and concentrate on having fun, happy times without him. Just ignore his nonsense. If asked, I just say 'Yes, daddy's v busy.... Daddy loves you very much... He's a bit silly, isn't he... Di you want to send him some pictures?' etc

It's not fair, it's really really hard to see your child feeling rejected but focus on good stuff and minimise your attention to his Ing nonsense.

I've spent 2 years dealing with this and I know I've done everything I can to facilitate the contact that my DD needs and, if she's interested when she's older, I will be able to show my daughter everything that I did and how hard I tried for her. It's his loss

Thankfully part of his controllingness in response to the threat of a non molestation order is to refuse any contact whatsoever. He sent a darling letter to my solicitor telling him why he can't reply directly to me or him anymore "to protect himself" and "prevent himself any further mental anguish and distress from the accusations" utterly laughable since my solicitor saw his texts, and the quantity of them and quoted parts of them to him in the letter threatening a non mol order if he continued.

So as far as contact is concerned- for me it's peaceful to receive nothing at all.

However his twistedness goes as far as to accuse me of emotional manipulation when I have in the past allowed DS to send a voicemail, or photos etc. Even as far as after DS has called him to tell him about something he's chuffed with eg, he learned to do something he couldn't before or won an award etc to speak to him, tell him to put mummy on the phone and then blast before checking I've turned the speaker phone off or moved rooms so DS can't hear that I'm a dreadful person allowing him to call and emotionally manipulative for letting him call him without warning what he's calling for, and what it's about (which I obviously haven't since to me it didn't naturally occur that "mum can I tell dad?" "Yeah sure, here's the phone" could ever be emotional manipulation) oh and DS did ask to my shock and horror one time "when can I see you daddy?" That one I did realise would wind his dad up to rage but he's a 5 year old child and I don't know what's going to come out of his mouth!

These men are such twats aren't they?!

I have a child crying that he's worried his dad is dead and panicking at ambulances saying maybe his dad is the one hurt they're going to get. If I was to even hint to his dad at his trauma I'd be accused of being emotionally manipulative for making him aware of what he is doing to his child.

It's so simple if he actually wanted to see him - agree and stick to an arrangement.

Or if he could say he wasn't going to see him. I could explain to DS somehow that daddy wasn't coming back.

Instead I have to explain he's not dead. He's not hurt. I don't know if he's back next week or never going to see him again repeatedly.