How to handle ex refusing to see our children again?

[NoPhelange]

Simply because after months upon months of harassment towards me and my partner involving police etc, and my partner having a 'chat' with him, he has now decided that he's too scared to deal with the consequences should my partner get hold of him again.

On mother's day he had our children, my partner was with me and made a huge fuss of me so that I didn't feel not having the kids here too much. Then ex decided to tell me that if I wanted my present I'd have to go to his house for it as it was ice cream that needed eating within minutes of serving I refused, asked him to package it appropriately and let DC bring it home for me. Nope, that was it, I wasn't getting anything, his mum was getting everything, and then he sent me a picture of our daughter crying. So when he finally dropped them off, my partner hopped into his car for a chat. Ex drove off with him in the car, partner didn't touch him he got in the back and buckled up, just told him to leave us alone and a few other choice words after putting us through hell for months. Then 5 days later ex decides to tell me that he was told to stay away from 'my' kids or he's done for basically. Utter bollocks. So he hasn't seen them since then. Now usually my partner wouldn't do this, we've gone through suicide threats, my partner's phone being hacked, me being constantly harassed for being with him, all because ex can't deal with him now living the life he walked away from. It's truly been at times horrendous. The picture of her crying on mother's day and seeing me heartbroken was just the straw that broke the camels back for my partner.

My daughter makes her communion this month, and ex asked me to keep my partner away from the church so that he could be there and that if he did, he'd take this as an olive branch and would start seeing the kids again. Partner agreed without hesitation. Now he has gone back on that and has said that for as long as I'm with my partner he wants nothing to do with them.

I fully get that this is all control tactics, he is a fully fledged emotionally abusive narcissist. But how the hell do I handle this with regards to the kids? How much is too much to know at 9yo? I can only say he's busy at work for so long. And apparently it's all my fault for forcing my children to have no father now.

Part of me wants to just let him walk away, I've spent since mother's day begging him to see them, offering all sorts of solutions, but I think he is getting off on having that control. I know I can't force him to see them, I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance from people with parents who've walked away and ideas of how I can raise this with the kids without causing too much distress. Daughter is fully expecting him to be at the communion and be seeing him regularly after that as 'work is calming down', and now he won't be seeing them.

Thanks if you've gotten to the end of that! Any advice would be appreciated

I think all you can do is to just let it all settle down, and not contact this selfish manipulative man again . It sounds like both you and DP have bent over backwards to accommodate him but if he's getting some sort of thrill out of all this, you can't let him get away with it any longer. Text him and day you accept the decision that he's made, and what would he like to tell DD?

Are you in touch with his parents? Can they do anything to bring him to his senses?

His mum is a hopeless enabled unfortunately, and it's all my fault for no longer being with her son. Ive saved him from suicide attempts 3 times and got nothing but abuse. So she's no help. She refused to see them herself not that she ever does simply because I text her asking that can we all for the day on her communion act as adults and not let the children see any negative feelings towards us.

I'm just really struggling with DC. My daughter misses him so much she was always such a daddy's girl. And she's of an age were she's asking questions, I have no idea what to tell her. She's such a wise young girl and would probably understand but I don't want to burden her with it even if she does. Every time a weekend approaches she asks if she will be seeing him and I have to keep lying to her 😧

I would only allow him to contact you via text and email (no more chats which he can misrepresent) and practice saying: ‘you are welcome to see them/come to X event. If you chose not to do so that is entirely down to you.’

He’s responsible for his relationship with your kids. You’ve left the door open the ball is in his court.

I’d sugar coat it a bit but would be honest-ish with your DD. Aka ‘daddy is invited and I hope he will come but I can’t promise he will be there.’

Do you have a contact schedule or order?

He has blocked me via every avenue after his lengthy 'i can't do it no more' message, and has asked me not to contact him by any means. I've told him I'll never shut the door despite what he's done to me, but all I get back is that me and my partner have forced this because I won't split up with him.

No contact order, I offered to go to court to get him one, he told me he wouldn't turn up.

You need to take the most huge step back, you are not responsible for this - he is!!!

Tell your DC age appropriate truth "Daddy is sulking, behaving badly and is trying to bully me. Hopefully he will get in touch but I can't make him"

Repeat as often as necessary.

I'd also stop chasing him, tell him they're available for contact at x and y, and it's his decision if he wants to see them or not.

He's emotionally blackmailing you, and being manipulative. Use the grey rock technique and keep it all on text/emails.

I'd just explain that dad has other plans and unfortunately can't make it.

Ahh, I know that's what I need to do but making her feel like the dad she absolutely adores doesn't want to see her will break my heart.

I know I need to step back and that's absolutely what I'm doing this time, this is just another way to keep me hanging on and contacting him and I can't keep doing that. Just hoped he loved them more than he hated me but meh, bastard.

Tell her you are not stopping daddy seeing her....
That you can't force him and when he asks again you will tell her.
Then make plans to do things with her at weekend's that can be dropped at short notice is he steps up...
Carry on like this till things change.
Do not call him, let him work for it for a change....

He’s left you no options anyway OP. If there’s any last comma Chanel I’d personally send a ‘door open this is your own doing’ message and then drop right back.

It’s total shit but I think you need to be honest with your DD.

Just sat and spoken with my daughter whilst she had a bath. Explained to her in ways she would understand what's happening, careful not to bad mouth him in any way but just put it to her that he is doing this to get at me and isn't a reflection on how he feels about her, he may or may not come/see them regularly again but I can promise her that I've tried my best. She just asked why adults are so childish and that she's 9 and acts older than him and he's 40 very true indeed. But she's fine. She will be fine whatever the long-term outcome. Guess I just have to stand back now and let him carry on digging his own grave! We all have choices eh, unfortunately that's what he doesn't like! Thank you all for your advice

My parents behaved very badly when I was a child, and I remember thinkingexactly what your dd said. At least she has you to talk to about it.
I’ve always worked with people who are suffering ,and I’ve had to be very perceptive and compassionate. I know I wouldn’t have been able to give so much to people in their suffering if I hadn’t had a really early insight into human nature.
I don’t mean to bring the thread round to me, but just to show you that good can come out of these difficult circumstances, and to allay your anxiety.
You are handling it really well op.

That's lovely to hear ohyesiam, thank you.

I'm glad you've taken some good from hard times and others are benefitting from that now also . Never in a million years thought he'd turn out this way, blindsided me like a goodun he has.

And thank you, I feel like I've failed them at times tbh, like maybe I should have just put up and shut up but I always swore I'd never stay put just for the kids, I've never known an adult to turn around and thank their parents for staying in an unhappy marriage. Other than him being a shit though they are incredibly happy kids and my partner is fantastic with them, they aren't missing out, only the ex is I guess.

Well done. You have done the right thing.

My 10yo has decided she no longer wants to see her dad - he is nasty. She gets it now. I'm very sad for her and support her, but I'm glad she sees who he is now. She understands why we aren't together.

Your DD is growing up - continue to be age appropriately honest with her.

So sorry you are going through this

It is a tough road . If you have chased him for contact he will be expecting the same . Expect a change of tact.

I told my Ds ( much younger ) I didn’t know but if he wanted to see him his dad had to contact me .

I’ve always worked with people who are suffering ,and I’ve had to be very perceptive and compassionate. I know I wouldn’t have been able to give so much to people in their suffering if I hadn’t had a really early insight into human nature

Lovely.

You did the right thing. It is a fine line between telling the truth in an age appropriate way and bad-mouthing that can be hard to walk, but it is really better than your dd knows the truth as she will have to deal with this man as her father for many years to come. You should be so lucky that he would actually stay away.

Similar ex here that used any excuse possible to pin blame on me that he couldn't see dc ie: had no interest in any contact with dc and would regularly to months inbetween seeing dc with zero contact too.He

Then any sort of contact would be full on emotional manipulation, refusing to pay CM or agree to any prearranged contact, harassing phone calls to berate me for having a new partner of several years (he'd one too)
Supposedly it was all my fault for taking his dc away from him splitting up family, having a new partner/same one still.
contact was always in ex's parents home when dc asked to visit( I had to do all pick ups n drop offs) dc informed me after picking them up that df had only been their for one evening as he no longer lived there. And he'd regularly not be there at all.
He moved away with no forwarding address for them to contact him.

This too was my fault for splitting up with him
He never had the guts to say he wasn't interested

I got so fed up chasing and facilitating all contact.
Dc are all adults now and it was tough at times and I spent a lot of evenings explaining I tried and how hard it was seeing them upset.

Best thing I said was step away from the drama figured it he wanted contact he'd seek court order he never did!