DD really struggling and I'm lost.

[KnickersOnOnesHead]

Not been on MN for a while but really need some advice.
I've been a lone parent for a few years now (exp and I tried giving it a go about 4.5yrs ago but didn't work out).

In that time I've never met anyone else, concentrating more on the kids and work.
Anyway, I've been seeing someone for a few weeks now and DD(almost 11)was adamant that she wanted to meet him. So just the three of us went for a coffee/hot choc and they really hit it off. She says she really likes him etc.

Fast forward to last night. Two dds stay at their grandparents on a Friday so dp and I decided that I'd spend the night at his.
When dd found this out I got a barrage of texts from her saying she hates me, I may as well move in with him, I don't care about her etc etc.

I've tried talking to her, reasoning with her. She says everything is fine one minute and the next everything is up in the air and she hates me. She's worried that I'll move in with dp and 'forget her' and no matter how many times I reassure her that that would never ever happen she just won't see sense.

I'm struggling, she's struggling and it just feels like the best thing to do for her is to end things with dp, but then if I do that, is she always going to expect that?

I don't know. Not sure what answers I can find, if any. I'm trying to take things at a pace that suits the kids, because they always will come before my happiness, but I don't want to be sad for the rest of my life because dd is feeling jealous.

She sounds a bit jealous and needs reassuring. She’s been your number one priority for years and she’s worried that’s going to change.

Reassure her. Take it slowly with the new man.

I’ve know my OH’s kids for 3.5 years. It’s definitely been tougher with his daughter. Slowly slowly.

Thanks Northern, I am going as slow as possible and I wasn't evening planning on any meets for quite a while but she made the choice. Maybe I should have said no, who knows.
Her dad has moved on quite a few times but I guess that's different as she only sees him a few hours a week.

I think girls can be more protective over their parents. I know in my case the boy just seems to get on with it.

I’d have a chat to her about the texts - it’s not acceptable to say she hates you. Chat to her about how she’s feeling and how that makes you feel. Personally i think a 10 year old to too young to have a phone and she’s not emotionally mature enough to have one. If that’s what’s she’s going to do with it, take it off her. You’re the adult.

Oh the phone thing is an entirely different thread, it's not something I'm happy about myself and has caused more problems than not. I was meant to be for keeping in touch with her dad and grandparents.

You're right though, it shouldn't be used for having a go at me. I woke up to 36 messages from her and I just broke down.

I went and collected her from her grandma's this morning and tried chatting but she just blew off the handle at anything I've said.

She's currently refusing to speak to me and scowling at every opportunity so I'm Leaving her be and letting her calm down for a while before I try again.

Thank you Northern, I really do appreciate the replies. I knew it would be a big learning curve this whole new partner experience but it's very overwhelming at this point.

So you spent the night after going out with new partner for a few weeks - not to be judgemental but maybe that was too quick. Maybe daughter more aware of sex than you think or the grandparents were saying things to her about it etc. But I think maybe you rushed this a bit. It could just be that she expected you to be at home waiting for her perhaps like you always do, not escaping to boyfriends at the first chance? Bit of jealously and insecurity perhaps. Maybe next time you spend night with boyfriend, either dont tell her or make sure the sleeping over happens at your house.

My mum remarried (after 6 months of dating) when I was 12 - I felt pushed out. Our relationship has really never recovered from it because they seemed to forget that before it was them, it was her and me first. So needed assurance and allowed a period of adjustment.

My friend recently let her new partner sleep over (she has a 11 year old too). They were hanging out all together, pizza and movie - just got really late. Asked child if he minded new partner sleeping over cos might be a bit dangerous driving home sleepy, he was absolutely fine with it. That tactic might have been better as sort of asking permission,, including child and giving a excuse for it lol