Freaking out, 3 weeks to go and I feel like he owns my life

[flightattendant]

I've just had a message through ebay from my ex. (I told him I changed my email address months ago and he believed me...)
It just said 'hope you all well and everything goes smooth. Thinkin of ya : )'
Made me feel sick as I left him in November (some of you might remember the story - emotionally abusive, unhinged and screwed up sums it up if not) and he's left us alone since about March, at my request. (He seemed to think I might take him back, as I'm having his baby...not going to happen).
Yesterday we saw his son briefly, said hello, and I guess this might have prompted the message - though I have no idea if he will have seen his son or not.
Today I was at the local refuge getting legal advice regarding access, and it all feels like a horrible coincidence that I turned on the Pc tonight to find this from him. That has to be a coincidence, can't see any other explanation).
I'm due in 3 weeks and having a lot of trouble dealing with the thought of him being part of our lives, he used to tease DS (3) till he cried. DS has nasty dreams about him and also seems very confused and says he 'loves' him and misses him...we never lived together and were only going out for 8 months...poor DS.
Today I was even talking about adoption with the legal advisor, can't be sure I can love the baby or cope with the stress of ex being interested.
I just feel so completely alone and like I want to end it all. I wish to God that it was someone elses baby, someone I didn't detest.
Sorry for the rant.

have you had any councelling for all that you've been through? It sounds an awful lot for anyone to cope with.

It is probably coincidence that he contacted you today. Even if someone had told him (which is highly unlikely considering it was a refuge) it wouldn't have happened this quickly.

The pregnancy must complicate everything so much more.

Thanks, glad someone's about...
No counselling, I was offered some a couple of weeks ago but literally can't get there, no car, SPD and it's 2 miles walk away.
I'm so scared. The lady I spoke to today said I've got little chance of keeping him away from us, as the abuse was emotional and carries no evidence...how I wish he had beaten me up, however awful that sounds...mind you he'd probably still get access.
I feel like I've no choice and it does make me want to give the baby up, just to save me and DS from ex being in our lives. How awful is that??

is there anyone who can get you to and from teh sessions?

what area are you in?

Hi Lou - well, I thought about that. Nobody availabe to give a lift, but I could have got a cab couldn't I...never occurred to me. Expensive but it might have been worth it...
I suppose at 35 weeks I just felt like it would be too little, too late...I have so much to do just keeping DS and me going, getting the house reasonably clean, and although I spoke to the midwife months ago, nothing happened re referral till then.
I think the way I was feeling is like, I just have to cope now, if I start going into it all at 35wks it'll bring it all to the surface and I'll fall to bits.
Sadly that seems to be happening anyway thanks to that nice little message earlier...
We're in East Kent btw.

Legal person said, is there any way you could move 300 miles away?
She was serious but all we have is my parents, and DS is really close to them, I couldn't take him away from them.

It must be an awful lot to cope with atm.

I don't know what to say, but will bump to see if anyone out there has better advice.

Thankyou...someone's kindness means a lot tonight. will have to go and take DS up to bed now.
Feel better just knowing people read this.

i think because you are so heavily pregnant with his child, you are bound to feel emtional and unsure

and i think he probably knows this and is taking advantage of the fact

dont make any hasty decisions

Just read this flightattendant, this sounds awful, you poor thing. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice or experience. But I do think you sound amazingly strong - it's not many women who would have stood up to this abuse while pg and decide against having him in your life - and I don't think you should despair. Do you know for sure he's interested and wants to see the baby - has he said so?
Could you and your parents too move 300 miles away? Could you talk to them about how you feel?
He has left you alone all this time at your request - could you tell him you would like him to continue to leave you all alone and you appreciate his understanding? It might actually work... what about his ex (if he already has a son)? - is she someone you could get support from?
Anyway MN will be here for you, and however awful he is he can't change who you are.

I don't know how it all works, but if he has been abusive, can you get an injunction out against him, just to give yourself some time?

If you could keep him away in the beginning (after you have had the baby) you will get a chance to bond with the baby and I'm sure you will feel much stronger and in control.

It's hard to imagine the baby atm, and I know how you feel, because I went through similiar, but I'm sure your feelings (towards the baby) will change once you have given birth.

Have you spoken to your parents/friends about giving up the baby, and what do they say?

So for you

It's nice to find your messages this morning...didn't really sleep too well but I'm glad DS missed the 'drama' last night, he was asleep on the sofa .
That's the worst bit about it, whenever I hear from this man, I get so agitated and angry and usually that ends up being obvious to DS.
I might try asking him once more to give us some space, you never know...he's not all bad, just very deluded and clueless, also has the brain of a twelve year old (moreso than a lot of men ) - he was never interested in commitment, until suddenly when I surprised him by saying I didn't want to be with him, and then it was all tears and regret, he 'loved' me and 'missed' my son...WTF? All he ever did was tell me my son was dreadful and I was a crap, soft mother who was storing up trouble...he even suggested I beat him, though I think this was more a hideous attempt to push the 'You never listen to me, I'm the man, I should get some respect'...like, that was going to make me respect him!
I've been 'banned' from telling anyone I'm having his kid - especially the ex, whom I've met only once...he reckons she'll use it against him?? They split 8 years ago...kids 14 and 11 live with her. (He did get custody of his son for about 7 years, son has now gone to live with his mum - wonder why)
Ex's mum was in agreement with me that he 'has a very dark side' when I left him. She's nice but hasn't been in touch since, he didn't like us talking...even though he gave her my number without my permission, so that she would 'sort me out'???!!! When he noticed we got on, he stopped us having contact...
I'm not sure what he wants to do re access. I know I want him to have nothing to do with older DS...that's in my control at least.
I did ask him what he wants a while ago, and of course he had no idea...but that's the commitment thing again, when I was first pregnant, (aside from the huge pressure to get an abortion - I couldn't) he constantly said he wouldn't be around to help with the baby, if I had it. He'd rather be out shooting pigeons (seriously).
Mum reckons he'll not be too bothered if I just paly it cool, don't start putting up barriers (he's very contrary and I think more likely to pester me if I do) and just let him see the baby, then watch and see if he bothers to turn up.
I have a feeling that if I say, Ok, come round every other weekend for a couple of hours, then make sure it's when DS is at Grandma's, and I go off and mow the lawn or phone a friend, leaving him sat there with a newborn---he'll soon realise he won't get any chance to play mind games with me or DS, and hopefully be less keen...

What would be reasonable in terms of access to a newborn? I shall be breastfeeding if all goes to plan, which helps (no way he can take baby away from the house).

Sorry this is sooooo long...

i wouldnt put him on the birth certificate, so he had to make an effort to get his parental rights

then he wouldnt have any say over your baby

i might get shot for saying that tho

I agree. Don't put his name on the birth certificate.

I would say a couple of hours, one day a week would be sufficient. Make it mornings (so he has to make an effort....) and like you said, don't sit and converse with him, although I understand you want the baby at home, but leave him to it (what I did...)

the novelty soon wears off, believe me.

I think you are wise to try and make alternative arrangements for your ds btw.

Chances are his enthusiaum will fizzle out pretty quickly anyway, when he realises you are not dancing to his tune.

Ooh I'm thinking evenings would be better, if my DS was anything to go by - colic and constant screaming from 8-11pm every night!

It does sound as iff the chilled approach might work better after all from your posts FA - invite him to come once a fortnight to see how it goes - then watch and see if he asks for it to be more frequent (unlikely) or stops bothering.

He can't stop you from contacting his ex if you want to. He can't control your life. You just feel that way, not surprisingly, heavily pg and the thought of him is getting you very down, but he can't and won't. You are in charge of your life and you will give your new baby so much love and be a great mum, as you are to your DS - that's what matters.