Explaining poor parenting to DS

[stressedoutfred]

Hi all,

Sorry for the rubbish title, couldn't condense what I wanted to say!

DS is 14. I separated from his Dad when he was 3 months old and he see's his Dad EOW.

It's been a difficult 14 years, I've dealt with a 2 year on and off court case, massive lies, Ex being sent to prison for 5 months. The list is endless

I've done my best to protect DS, tried to keep everything quiet from him and always attempted to be amicable to his Dad (when DS around). However sometimes DS has had to witness an argument if his Dad was about to do something stupid which could put DS at risk.

Roll onto yesterday and DS and I were arguing about something. Suddenly he blurted out a few times when he realised his Dad and I were arguing and in DS's opinion was that I was being unreasonable and his Dad was in the right.

I'll give one of them as an example- his Dad lost his driving licence, he continued to drive illegally ( also no insurance ) and wanted to drive DS around too. I had to attend court to get them to sign something to say he would not drive DS. On one occasion I caught him going to put DS in the car and obviously I stopped him. DS has since believed I was wrong and should have allowed him to drive and that made me a bad person.

So I explained to DS that it was illegal and dangerous and that as his Mum I had to, and wanted to , protect him. I explained that in the past his Dad made some very silly mistakes but that was in the past. I said to DS to come and talk to me if there's more he'd like to understand and I'll explain if I can, but he's got to understand that he may not like the answer.

I'll be honest, I refuse to cover up for my Ex and let me be seen as the bad guy. He's been a total dick and even now treats DS pretty poorly and I've spent years protecting him from that.

However I think this is just the start of it all. When Ex was in prison DS was told he'd gone on a big holiday to his home country, however I'm sure DS knew he was in prison .

I don't want to muddy DS's opinion of his Dad , but I also don't want him growing up believing that all the rubbish was down to me!

Any ideas on how to deal with this better? I'm thinking honesty but in a gentle way is best but some of it is pretty awful stuff

Ps- before anyone says what possessed me to have a child with this man, he was nice back then...

Thanks for reading

I totally understand you wanting to protect your son. However, as he is now 14, and beginning to question things (and old enough to understand things), so I also think you are right in not covering up for his Dad anymore.

I think you should be honest about his Dad going to prison. Sounds like he's worked it out anyway, and will give more credibility to everything else you need to tell him. But go gently. Hope it goes OK.

Who told him his dad was on holiday rather than prison? That doesn't sound like the greatest plan. When he finds out he's been lied to (or if he already knows) that's going to cause trust problems. Why not be open and say his dad did x crime so has gone to prison for x months. Actions have consequences!

Anyway, is there another, half decent male role model in his life? An uncle perhaps? Someone he can talk to and look up to who'll actually be a positive influence in his life.

Hi @littlemisscomper

I told DS that he was on holiday , I know that was stupid but it was difficult to know what to say to 7 year old DS, also it was complicated as whilst we knew it was a 5 month sentence there was also a risk that he may then be deported after prison so I wanted to buy myself some time to know what to say as there was a chance he'd never see him again.

I'm not 100% sure he knows about prison, but he said a couple of things at the time that made me wonder if he'd worked it out .

Thanks @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I think he's old enough for you to be honest with him. I understand your hesitation previously. Do it Gently like you say but don't cover for his dad. Your son will make up his own fantasy about him if he doesn't have the correct information. It sounds like you've already told him some facts and that's good. Stick to facts of what he's done etc rather than the emotional side.

It wasn't stupid to tell a 7 year old child that his DF was on holiday, you came up with the least damaging reason you could. He may now have been told by someone else that his DF was actually in prison at that time, I'd gently explain that you just didn't want to hurt your son anymore at the age of 7.
Our children generally believe in Father Christmas until they find out he's not real and their parents have been 'lying' for years. I've not yet met a child who holds it against the parents once they understand the reasons behind it

Sounds like the dad has made some poor life choices. But you can’t control what the dad does. You can only control your own actions.

Kids love their parents unconditionally. When you badmouth the dad you are badmouthing your children Don’t badmouth him and don’t argue with him in front of your son - when parents are destructive in front of children it affects them.

Be honest with your son, don’t project. Let him make his own mind up.

@NorthernSpirit , I've tried really hard to not argue in front of DS, but sometimes it's a toss up between keeping him safe and upsetting him and I know which one I'm going to choose

Arguing is destructive and causes conflict, the situation gets worse rather than resolving it. So it’s not solving anything.

When kids see arguments they think it’s normal behaviour, it’s not. Can you handle the disagreement constructively? Talk things over? Arguing isn’t going to solve the issue and it’s just likely to get his back up and make things worse. It’s a vicious cycle.

Yes, he’s in the wrong and yes your child’s safety comes first but he probably feels you’re attaching him. When we’re attacked we act on defence.

So @NorthernSpirit , what would you have done in the circumstances that I explained in my first post?

In front of me Ex was going to put DS in the car and drive illegally. Talking to Ex isn't an option, in his opinion he's free to do what he wants ( hence the driving illegally)

Would you argue? Or let him go?

PS I do agree with you. I've spent a long time having to bite my tongue then "talk" to Ex about it whilst DS was out/at school. However at some points waiting is not an option

Your only possible strategy is to be honest with your ds. Each discussion should start with, “ ok, I’ll be absolutely honest ...” but don’t blame your ex, just be factual. Ds can’t go in the car because ex has no licence andit’s Illegal. No need to say ex is out of order, ds will work that out for himself.

It’s hard work but it is effective.

I agree with the others you need to be honest.
Use language as neutral as you can, but your DS is old enough to be told the truth. (Actually I would have said at 7 he should have been told re prison).

(As an adopter we are told to bring our children up knowing the truth but in an age appropriate way.)

Honesty is not about blaming Ex it is about giving your DS the facts.

In the situation above. I would of taken child out f the car in my I am not messing voice. I will be returning my child to the house as you are putting him in danger.

You have to be clear.

I think you might of told him he is on holiday to protect him.. Children do know. I would if it comes up I would appologise for lying and explain you were trying to protect him.