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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Holidays - do I have to tell him all the details?

17 replies

Melody1234 · 03/05/2018 18:15

I am taking my little boy on holiday within the country in which we are resident for 5 days next week. His dad agreed the dates, but now is asking for more details of what town we'll be in, as he says he has a right to know. He's not asked exactly where we're staying (which hotel) which could possibly make sense for safety reasons. (Actually we'll be staying in a couple of different places, and may well move about in the area).

My ex has a history of being controlling and I'm struggling with feeling it's an invasion of privacy to go into that kind of detail with him. This is also causing problems between me and my partner due to the stress.

Conversely, if he takes my son on holiday, I only ask for dates and which country. If there's an emergency I would contact his mobile and email.

What do you feel is reasonable, and if you don't feel he has a right to demand this information, what would you write back? (This is all via email). I'm keen to hear as many experiences as possible.

Thanks in advance...

OP posts:

RandomMess · 03/05/2018 18:29

You don't need yo tell him anything!!! However I would give him the equivalent of what info he gives you...

alisaaa · 03/05/2018 20:15

You never said how old your son is? If he can verbally communicate with you about his well-being and whereabouts and safety then basic details are ok. If he is very young and unable to speak for himself I would want to know details about his holiday and whereabouts.
Maybe that’s just me but I would probably want to know if he would be doing things such as swimming etc. Aswell .

Hope yous have a lovely holiday :)

NorthernSpirit · 03/05/2018 20:45

Personally I don’t think you have to tell him. But i’m on the other side of this..... my OH has 2 kids (now 9 & 12) and she’s extremely controlling.

She had it written into their contact order that if the dad wants to take them away she has to agree and know all flight, hotel, contact number details. Of course this isn’t reciprocated by her - she does what the hell she wants and doesn’t even tell my OH the kids are going away.

It’s a control tactic. But as poster above said - if the shoe was on the other foot, what info would you want? Seems fair.

NorthernSpirit · 03/05/2018 20:45

I meant the EW is controlling

Aprilmightbemynewname · 03/05/2018 20:46

No way would I tell him. ...

Starlight2345 · 03/05/2018 21:36

If you are staying in a couple of different places could you say we are staying in ....... area.

You could tell him nothing but expect the same response from him if he takes dc away

Lonecatwithkitten · 04/05/2018 06:54

Originally I gave Ex all details of where we were going, but I he continue to give me vague details of up north or Spain.
Now DD is older (14) I pass on no details and leave it up to her.

greendale17 · 04/05/2018 06:57

You could tell him nothing but expect the same response from him if he takes dc away

^I was going to say the same thing

Original poster

Melody1234 · 04/05/2018 11:34

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciate you sharing your views and experiences.

I guess from my perspective, I don't see the actual benefit of knowing, for example, that my son is in Norwich, compared to just knowing he's away on holiday with his dad. If I needed to contact them, I'd still be going through the usual channels -- mobile, email, a call to ex's parents if it was a proper emergency. Knowing he's in Norwich doesn't help in an emergency. And vice versa if I'm the one who's away.

Conversely, the idea of having to provide an itinerary, not even of actual hotels (which could make sense for emergency contact) but names of towns etc, is really stressing out me and my partner. 😔

Today I tried to explain this to him via email. He is still saying he needs to know what town I'm in for emergency situations where he can't contact me.

OP posts:

3stonedown · 04/05/2018 11:38

I don't know to be honest. I think if DP took DD on holiday I would like to know where they are going. The idea of my child being away and having no idea where she is makes me feel a little uneasy. I am a bit controlling though.

Starlight2345 · 04/05/2018 12:26

Thats my opinion @3stonedown .

If your ex said I am going away for 5 days and not telling you where how would you feel.

You would feel more invaded if he was asking the hotel names.. so you need to look at what is reasonable..

He may be controlling but in this case it sounds resaonable to me.

I went on a road trip with my DS last year. I would of said to his dad ( he has no contact so not relevant) we are travelling around yorkshire, first night we are staying in .....

NorthernSpirit · 04/05/2018 13:25

What info you would like is probably the right amount. I’m the poster who’s OH has it written into the contact order that she has to have all details -

Airports
Flight times
Flight numbers
Hotel name
Hotel address
Hotel phone number

If there was an emergency she woukd ring or email a mobile. Personally I don’t think she required this information and we don’t ask for it (and get it off her).

I always ask myself - if f the shoe was on the other foot what would I do want?

I should mention that this was only written into their contact order because the mother had agreed to a holiday (in writing) and then 10pm before the 6am pick up she changed her mind. My OH took her to court and in court she said she had stopped the holiday because she didn’t know the address were the children were staying. She has been informed in writing that the children were going to their grandparents home in France (a house she had visited many times over 10 years and had the address and phone number for). The judge said her story was improbable but to avoid doubt in the future all holiday details have to be provided. My OH sticks to this. We’ve never even know she’s taking them away. Do what’s fair and right. If it’s about control ignore him.

Bobby1233 · 11/05/2018 12:45

Northen Spirit, what was the outcome of the court? did you guys go on the holiday or claim costs in court?

Im just wondering because I fully expect the same silly games next month when we go on holiday. Thankfully I dont need her permission to go abroad and had the holiday put in the order but I bet my right arm she'll find a way to screw it up.

NorthernSpirit · 11/05/2018 13:43

@Bobby1233 - in this case the EW had agreed the holiday (in writing via email) and has flight times, knew where the children woukd be staying. It was all agreed at least 4 months before.

My OH was due to collect the children at 6am the next morning to take them to the airport. At 10pm the night before she emailed my OH to say that the children wouldn’t be going as she wasn’t happy that I was going (and in her words the children woukd be with a woman they hardly knew). I had been with my OH 18 months and known the children for 10 months. We were visiting and staying with the children’s grandparents in France for a week.

We went (it was his mothers 70th birthday that day). My OH was a broken man.

My OH took her to court for breaching their contact order (which says he can take the children on holiday). Of course she had already agreed.

The judge came down on her (as she deserved). He involved social services and she was forced to go on a parenting course. He said that if she did something like this again he would take the children off her and they would live with the dad. I should add this wasn’t the first time she had been back to court for breaching the contact order.

My OH was awarded the cost of the children’s holiday. The EW kicked off about how selfish that was to take the children’s maintenance to pay for it. She’s bat shit I should add.

In your case I woukd write to her with all the details and explain as it’s in your contact order if she doesn’t agree to anything then to voice it now as you hope not to have to take this to court.

Good luck

Bobby1233 · 11/05/2018 14:03

Thanks Northen Spirit, I appreciate you telling me that. Normal, reasonable or communicative doesnt work with my ex. She is way too entitled and power hungry to have an adult conversation.
Im afraid she is far far more devious than that. Whatever the reason for stopping the holiday, it will be well thought out and executed with scary precision. This will be the third cancelled holiday due to her games. She knows Id never go on holiday without my DD, the only time the ex is happy when she causes me pain. This time the holiday is expensive so I want to go after the costs.

NorthernSpirit · 11/05/2018 17:35

@Bobby1233 - if she’s got previous on stopping holidays (what sort of mother does that to her own children)? Then I woukd get a ‘specific issues order’ from the court to prevent her games. It costs £215 and you can represent yourself. Will stop get control.

She sounds like my OH’s EW. Since the threat by the judge that he woukd take the children off her - any messing around on the contact by OH tells her that I’d she does that then he will take her back to court. Stops her.

Bobby1233 · 12/05/2018 09:40

Thanks again. We now have a joint residence order and this specific holiday is stipulated in the order but she refuses to hand the passport back now. She fought hard against it because, despite last year going abroad while dd was with me she claims “it will be too long away from Mum”. It’s just control and spite. I’m just happy to see the courts will do something about it if she does it again this time.

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