Advice on access?

[alisaaa]

Really need some advice for my situation at the moment.
My DS is 12 weeks old. His father blocked me from contact and refused to contact me throughout pregnancy etc. I finally managed to somehow contact him through difficulty when DS was 6 weeks old. I put al hatred to the back of my mind and allowed him unlimited access under our own roof and with me being there. Within 3 days this caused hell and he was very nasty etc. Due to this factor we came to an agreement of 4 hours access twice a week where sons father takes our son to his house ( his mother’s house) with the agreement that his mum be there for the first few times as he openly admitted to me he has never been around a baby and was uncomfortable. I felt extremely bullied into him eventually taking DS without his mother being there , baring in mind this was only the 3rd4th time he had access taking him away on his own.
He turned up on Wednesday under the influence of cannabis and was extremely verbally abusive. Demanding that I would from now on need to drop and pick up DS fro him for his access hours as he can’t afford it. He took DS of me and at this point I was extremely distressed and concerned for my son . I took him back off him and closed the door. Immediately phoned my health visitor and made an emergency appointment with a lawyer .
The lawyer has now written him a letter stating that due to the circumstances he turned up to take DS that access has now been stopped .
I’m positive that his mum will push him to take me through court now for access and I am so distressed. I have not once denied him access, I have only asked for him to agree with me on certain things that seem reasonable as our baby boy is so very young and has only just started to meet his father.

I really need advice on what you think may happen now.
I know I may seem drastic to do this but for his father ( who I was not in a relation ship with, was a one night stand) to consider taking our child out in th car while under the influence of drugs and having an abusive and demanding manner to me while doing a handover seems to me to be unacceptable.
I am planning to move very soon to be near family for support ( 100 miles away).
I must mention that he was absent to sign DS’s birth certificate.

I really have no clue where to go from here. Should I contact a mediation centre and offer his father supervised access at a contact centre and for it to gradually be built up? I want him to have a relationship with his son but his demands are unreasonable considering the babies age and relationsship with him. He is also demanding overnight access.

What will happen when I move and if he was apply to court what would a judge do ?

I’m 22 and a student nurse, just feel as though my world is crumbling because I have done the right thing by my son for forcing his father into our life’s. DS is BF through night.

He has no current rights as not on birth certificate .

In your circumstances I would move as fast as you can . Block him .

This is not someone you want around your child .

Also do not tell him you are moving

Block him and move fast. He has no legal rights. Court is long and protracted even with parental rights, which he doesn’t have. Judges very rarely order overnights for under 2s anyway. You’d be able to raise drug abuse and insist on testing.

My ex is similar - he threatened all sorts because I wouldn’t let him take DD on his own - 7 weeks old and breastfed with severe allergies and a brief stint in NICU after birth - he was an alcoholic/drug user/sofa surfing. He did fuck all. He did start mediation when she was 6 months old, but he never turned up to any of it - they have an email from him stating he only started the ball rolling because of his mother but she then kicked him out of her house after discovering his drug use (which she refused to believe until then!) and that he had zero interest in DD. Haven’t heard a peep since; two years later.

Anymore advice ?? X

Tbh, he sounds like a lowlife. However, despite that, I shall come at this from a slightly different angle to others.

He may well be a lowlife - and I am no advocate for that sort of bloke. But I do believe in advocating for the child. And he is still the child's father. So he deserves the opportunity to try and be a decent one. More importantly - every child deserves the opportunity to know both of their parents. The research on this is fireproof - it is in the interests of children to have a relationship with both parents, if at all possible. So it is not in the interests of your son to do a midnight flit and try to deny him any sort of relationship with his father (as others have suggested). It is also not something that a court would look favourably upon.

So, given that this guy appears to have drug issues and his behaviour is a cause for concern (I'm assuming you barely know him to form any other view as to his character), it becomes a question of how a relationship can be safely achieved. Safety comes first, and given early indications, that can probably only be achieved with supervised access at first. A supervised contact centre for limited periods of time will allow trust to be developed appropriately, and test whether this guy can step up to being a decent father.

So, I would suggest that you insist on this as a condition of contact - whether you approach that voluntarily through mediation, or in response to a petition from him. It would reflect well on you in court to make every attempt to facilitate contact in a safe way before being compelled to do so. And, as I said earlier, it is in your son's interests to see if this can work.

But, at the same time, be realistic. Speak to your health visitor and ask for a referral to MASH (the Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub), who will ensure that Social Services are aware of the issues around your situation, and provide support to ensure that your son is safe at all times.

That's my advice, for what it's worth. This guy may demonstrate that he isn't capable of stepping up and being a responsible father. Or he may surprise you, and this could be the moment that turns him around. Who knows? But I'd suggest that you owe it to your son to find out. But, please, do so safely.

Totally agree with @SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad - the father might have made some poor decisions in his life but it’s your child’s right to have a relationship with his father.

Sickens me when I hear the advice dished out.... he has no rights.... just move.... block him.... you were happy to make a baby with this man.

I always think if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel? What would you want? Would you be happy if you weren’t ‘allowed’ to see the child?

Your child is very young so won't even understand the concept of a father for a while so you've got some time to do the groundwork. You've had a baby with a complete stranger so it's difficult to give advice since you don't know him at all. I certainly wouldn't be handing my baby over to someone that I believe could hurt them.

It will take him a long time to go through the courts as he will first have to get himself on the birth certificate. I was in a relationship with my ex and we have still been in and out of court for over 1.5 years and he has just been granted contact. My son is almost 2.5 yo and he will be having fully supervised contact in a contact centre.

You can't deny your child the right to have a relationship with their dad but just take it slowly and go to mediation. Find a formal way to set contact.

Teachesofpeaches - can I ask briefly what your situation was for it to take so long?
I do want my child to have a relationship with him , hence why I made such an effort to contact him to bring him into DS’s life. I tried to accommodate reasonable access for him to gradually get to know DS ( 4 hours twice a week and every other Saturday or Sunday) he just demanded, turned up on drugs and was very unreasonable. I couldnt even do a handover with my son without him being nasty which is unnaceptable for such a young baby as their has to be communication in relation to the baby.
It’s such an awful place to be.
I really want to move nearer my family for support but I am concerned to what the process will be if he has applied for PR and access through the court.
Any advice on what access could be granted if I do move ? And access that could be granted if I decide not to move?
Thankyou everyone xx

My ex threatened to abduct my son so I stopped contact immediately. He had to apply to the court and then I had had to get a non molestation order to stop him harassing me and then we had to go through proving domestic abuse and he made counter allegations and then he had to go on a 6month long domestic violence perpetrators programme to learn how to have healthy relationships so he has finally now got contact.

If you move 100 miles away the court could make you pay for your ex's travel to see the child or get a reduction in maintenance paid. Don't worry about overnight contact, that won't be granted for at least two years.