Ex trying to force my child to board to avoid maintenance

[ems68]

Please does anyone have any advice on the topic of maintenance and school fees. I am divorced 8 years. We have court orders in place for financial settlement and child residency. Our two children live with me - primary residence. They are with their father alternate weekends and half holiday periods. At the time of divorce he was unemployed so I was not awarded any spousal maintenance and received just £50 per week in child maintenance (worked out against his redundancy payment at that time). I have really struggled to support both children on such a small contribution from my ex all these years. Particularly now that they are teenagers needing more food, adult clothes etc. However, his financial circumstances greatly improved very quickly after our divorce. He has since lead a very lavish lifestyle with expensive cars, holidays etc. Until last year my ex was self employed so even though I knew he must be earning a lot I never took the risk of applying to the CMS (CSA) for a review in case he was able to disguise his earnings and the maintenance amount came in lower than what he was already contributing. In addition to this background, 5 years ago he told me that he was putting both children into a private school 12 miles from my home. (my ex lives 200 miles away). I was completely bullied into it as felt I had no choice but also pleased that he was at least making a contribution to their schooling. I did make it clear though that I couldnt afford to make any contribution to the fees. Both children are day pupils. Other than school fees (which he gets discounted as both children are on scholarships and bursaries) he contributes absolutely nothing financially to the children. Then, last year I found out he was now full time employed and earning a salary of £130,000 so I made an application to the CMS for a child maintenance review. I have just been notified that I shall now receive £269 per week. In retaliation my ex has been blackmailing and threatening me that if I continue with, what he calls "this claim against him" he will tell the children's school that I am now responsible for paying the school fees. I have been in touch with the school to say that their contract is with him, he signed the agreements with them 5 years ago without any consultation with me so they must take up the dispute with him. The school has supported me in this and he has been made to settle the fees. However, he is now trying a different tack to avoid having to pay maintenance. He has told me that once this term is finished he is no longer paying fees for one child and that the younger one will continue at the school but as a boarder. The rule is that if children are boarders and the fees are paid by the non resident parent then the CMS deduct this from the amount given to the resident parent. I dont want my son to board. We have lived perfectly happily as we are and dont need to change living arrangements just so he can wangle his way out of maintenance. I dont know if he can force this or not. My worry is that he will pay boarding fees irrespective of whether our son actually physically boards or not because the boarding fees will work out less for him than the maintenance he would have to pay me. So he is better off financially. I could tell the school that my son is not going to board but my concern is that if he pays them anyway he has proof to take to the CMS and how can I prove otherwise. I dont earn much but have a full time job and work hard. - whilst I am grateful that my ex provides them with an education the reality is that he has been using the money he should be providing in child maintenance to pay for it and not thinking first about whether their basic living costs are being met - I shoulder all of that financial burden!! I did once ask him why he would never allow me to be involved in the choosing of the children's schools and he replied "because you dont pay for it". If anyone has any experience of school fee arrangements after divorce and outside of a court order and how it works with child maintenance I would be so grateful for your advice. Thank you.

@ems68 - bloody hell and I thought my XH pulled some stunts to minimise what he pays and make my life ( and by default) the kids as difficult as possible. I am shocked for words.

I too have had emotional and financial blackmailing over school fees. I know the stress this causes. I am currently paying my Ds school fees out of my housing allocation as X claimed he could no longer afford them - complete bollocks - my Ds was on the verge of a breakdown at having to change schools otherwise. I have had to have meetings with the head to explain myself too - they have been brought into the divorce by my x.

I don't really know the answer to your situation but the fact that the school is only 12 miles away from home would not necitate boarding - how does your Ds feel about this. You also mention he is stopping paying fees for one child - what is this all about?

Op I really get your position these c**ts continue to abuse us even after the divorce and continually use the kids.

I am currently having to face making a decision between moving 200 miles away or moving to a 2 bed flat ( from a house worth £1m) as I can no longer afford to stay as I am without damaging my financial future. My kids are just about to turn 17 It means they may have to live with their DF who I doubt wants them full time or what I don't know?

You are not the only one going through this shite _ my judge at divorce a year ago told me my depression would get better now divorce over and would be able to get a full time job to support myself despite being 53 and not having worked for 20 years - she has no bloody idea!

Op I feel for you I really do - I'm sorry I cannot give you any answers though _ try posting in legal -maybe someone there can help x

Get a specific issues order from the court and stop his silliness.

I would also go to court.

I would simply ask why he feels the elder ones education no longer needs to be independent and why the youngest needs to board when he only lives 12 miles.

Let the judge get him to explain.

Other than that is best to ignore but perhaps email him to confirm he plans to remove eldest and send youngest as a boarder.

The school won’t send him a bill for boarding if your son is not going to board... so your ex can’t pay more than they bill him. If your son wants to remain a Day pupil, then nothing will change WRT the CMS payment. Talk to the school, make sure they know he won’t be boarding, unless DS changes his mind. And you will cope if that happens as you coped for so long beforehand.

My ex does not pay a penny above the CMS once I put the claim in (September last year) despite paying half fees and more beforehand. However it transpired that he had been underpaying by thousands over the six years previous...

Stand firm, ignore your muppet of an ex and work with the school if you need to.

Thank you so much for your replies. @greenberet I really feel for you. sounds similar background to me. I was married 12 years to a man who gass-lighted me. How I wish at the time more was known and written on that topic as I felt so alone trying to fathom the reality I was in. smoke and mirrors, mind games - just exhausting. During divorce he kept himself unemployed while living with a billionairess (I couldn't afford private investigator to prove it in court) and him trying to get custody of the children while expecting me to pay HIM the spousal and child maintenance because I was full time employed. He was describe by my barrister at the time as the most coniving CT he had ever had to deal with. But the judge saw sense and was furious with his behaviour and threw his whole argument out of court. I was awarded custody and our home (my ex ran down all our bank accounts to zero during separation all spent on courting his new rich girlfriend). The judge said he had systematically and purposely tried to bankrupt us as a family - potentially leaving me and the children homeless. The only equity left was the house - which I had bought when we first met. Left me with a huge mortgage to pay off but at least I had a home to start rebuilding my life. He married his rich girlfriend but she divorced him six months later!! - Seriously you just cant make this up!! She saw him for what he was - a chancer! However, he is extremely smooth and slick and it staggers me how many people still fall for his charms and bullshit. I have to make sure I am constantly armed to the hilt with the facts to counter every smart move he tries to pull. In respect of my daughter - she is 16 and just about to sit GCSE's. The school was chosen by my ex. He did not view any other schools in the area, did not consult me as to what would work for me or the children (given I have to do the school run and work full time in the opposite direction to the school location) or even take the children to view the schools so they could get a feel for it. He just told me they were going there and that was the end of the conversation. I had already looked at 6 six schools near me, some private and some state. I did not feel the school he chose was good - it had shocking results, a terrible reputation and for my daughter she was joining a year group with only FOUR girls - that really concerned me. My daughter is very academic and is on track to get As in all her subjects. She has been very unhappy at school because she is so lonely - she has been in and out of counselling because of this. She asked me and the ex 2 years ago if she could leave after GCSEs and go to another school. So last year I started the process of looking at options for her. I tried to engage my ex in this exercise. We (my daughter and I) found another school which she loves and which is much more academic than her current school with a stronger track record for Russell Group Uni success. She also has a lot of friends already at that school. She sat the exam and was awarded an academic scholarship. BUT my ex has absolutely refused to allow her to go. He has blocked it every which way saying that he needs "compelling reasons for her to leave her current school". I stepped away from the discussion to allow my daughter to have that conversation with him. Ultimately it is her choice she is a young adult and wants a more challenging academic environment and a bigger group of students to study alongside. At her current school she would be one of only two pupils staying on in 6th form in two of her chosen subjects. She might as well be home tutored. I just dont understand why he cannot see how this new school will offer her so much more and can only be a positive move for her further her learning. It is not about me or him. It is a fee paying school and I cannot afford the fees so I needed him to be supportive of her wishes to move school. The last time I tried to speak to him about this he just yelled down the phone at me told me I was a f-ing disgusting mother" and slammed the phone down. That is when I decided to go ahead with the child maintenance application so that I can wrestle back the control over some of the money he is using to pay for fees. Believe me I would far rather he had just agreed and actually I would have dropped the application if he had given his daughter this opportunity. She has no relationship with him since he drunkenly assaulted her on holiday last year - that was the last time she stayed with him. The whole thing is just a huge tragedy and waste of time and energy. So in retaliation he has tried to force the current school to charge me the school fees (obviously they cant) and his second attempt is to now try the boarding angle with the the younger one. He is so bound up in vitriol and retaliation and the only ones that suffer in this are the two children. We have a really happy home, my kids are close and my fear is that if the boy is sent to board he will see nothing of his sister. She will live at home with me and he is 12 miles up the road boarding. Someone on the thread mentioned getting a court order but this costs money which I just dont have. I am saving madly to try to cover the school fees now for the older child. I do also appreciate that school fees are a luxury, not a necessity. In context, I live very rurally in Dorset with no good 6th form or state school near to me that doesn't involve a long drive for me. None of it is straighforward. Finally just to @greenberet I understand your depression as I was there too. But for what little comfort it offers it does get better but you have to keep telling yourself every day you are RIGHT and that saying NO is OK. Be strong - you are free now. Whilst this current situation I am in is stressful and distracting the alternative is that I could still be married to him - HOLY SHIT! Now that is something I celebrate every day - that I am free to do as I want and not spend my days being told anymore what a useless wife, mother, human being I am. Be kind to your self.

@ems68 - thanks for replying - you know you are so lucky you had a barrister and a judge that saw through your x. my story is well documented on MN - i got shafted by my x and ripped off by solicitors who did not believe what i was saying in that X was trying to destroy me emotionally and financially. he has tried to divide kids too dd has nothing to do with OW and her kids whereas DS has spent time on holiday with them. X has now bought a house with Ow who also works for him & he still rents one locally for the time he sees kids. I have complained to LO but fear the only way i will get any financial recompense is by court action for professional negligence. I had to sell the family home as a result of x manipulation and useless solicitors but have managed to rent it for the time being - such a mess - im not out the woods yet - exhausting keeping going but we have to dont we