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Will they take my son off me ?

24 replies

Pinklaydee1302 · 21/04/2018 20:59

I have anxiety/phobia of vomiting. My DS 5 catches every bug going and I'm in constant fear...a week ago I desperately reached out to his step mum whose helped care for him since birth n asked if she would have my son for me on a permanent basis as I was scared. She agreed and went straight into school and informed social worker for school. They got me in and I told them of my fear and the

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worried1254 · 21/04/2018 21:02

Oh god you poor poor lady. I have this fear and know how debilitating it is. My first child vomited far more than average and it nearly broke me. My second is never sick so I've had a breather from it all and have mentally recovered a little.

I know how hard it is. Have you tried to get help from the GP? Anxiety medications could really help you. Sending love :(

Pinklaydee1302 · 21/04/2018 21:04

...they said it could be done privately with no need for social services. So ...I didn't see my son for whole week longest I ever not seen him and when I finally saw him I had missed him terribly and him me..I then asked her if she would agree on us effectively sharing care with his father 3 ways ...she got angry and stormed out. Next I hear his father is going to contact SS as I'm unable to look after my son and he unhappy which is far from truth!

My question is will they be able to take him away cos I have mental health issues to an extent ?

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Youaremysunshine2017 · 21/04/2018 21:07

No. They won't based solely on that. They will assess whether your son's needs are being met. Do you have any professional involvement to support your mental health needs?
If social work don't have any concerns they may just advise that you both come to an agreement with the help of a solicitor.
Flowers

Youaremysunshine2017 · 21/04/2018 21:09

Sorry I just re read your post and saw that you suggested contact be split 3 ways?

Grasslands · 21/04/2018 21:09

Pink please contact SS and discuss this with them. I’m sure they will help you. Maybe it will be okay, if they pass safety checks. Maybe you will not want this to be a permanent arrangement in 6 months time.

Fiera · 21/04/2018 21:14

5 years after giving birth you decide to give your son to his step parent because you have a phobia of vomitting? It makes no sense.
I dont mean to sound nasty OP, but he needs a permanent home. If you cant cope with him full time then have him weekends and dont mess around with shared custody BS. Its really not fair at all.

SparklyMagpie · 21/04/2018 21:15

Unfortunately I can't offer any advice :(

You say you asked to split 3 ways, is your child's dad not with his wife anymore then?

Pinklaydee1302 · 21/04/2018 21:25

Thing is I think her and my ex want to get him away from me as believe I am unfit to look after him. Sometimes I feel I am useless when he poorly but we love each other so much Sad

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greendale17 · 21/04/2018 21:28

5 years after giving birth you decide to give your son to his step parent because you have a phobia of vomitting? It makes no sense.

^I agree

Pinklaydee1302 · 21/04/2018 21:28

Sparkly magpie no they split two months ago.

Fiera yes she devastated because I changed my mind but I'm worried what effect it will have on my son in the future

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Pinklaydee1302 · 21/04/2018 21:29

It's happened a few times now where I've reached out to them ...that's why they calling SS on me. I have nobody else to help though

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greathat · 21/04/2018 21:31

Is it just the vomiting phobia? Sound like you might need more help than just that if your handing over your child to someone else when they need you most?

arthurtc · 21/04/2018 21:32

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Everywhereilookaround · 22/04/2018 06:32

It's really hard to offer thoughts on where you stand without knowing more. Not asking you to divulge...just making point that none of us can know the likelihood. What I would say is this. You sound quite vulnerable yourself and need some support in your parenting role (which you've said) and certainly support legally to protect your rights. Please don't sign or agree to ANYTHING without proper legal and independent advice. Social work should be about keeping families together, unless risk to child is too high in which case they would have to go to court to remove a child, so if they get involved just ask themfor some help to keep him, show them how you can do this...but maybe a little respite every so often, or support worker could help?.

They will be looking at risks, being afraid of vomiting is no reason to remove a child in my eyes, nor is a my diagnosis. It's how you are around him that matters. How do you cope when you are not feeling well, or when child is sick.

I think anyone who gets angry like your ex's partner is not best placed to take your child. Tell social worker what's she's said/done. You've had your son 5 years already, so you can do this. What helped you get through the tough times before? You have strengths ...use them.

We all feel useless as parents sometimes, that doesnt mean you are. There's no such thing as a perfect parent.
Good luck, don't let people make you feel bad, your son loves you and you him, there's a way to make this work x (I just wouldn't be involving ex partners ex in any formal arrangements again myself!)

RBBMummy · 22/04/2018 07:06

You officially admitted you are unable to take care of him and willfully handed him over to a woman who has no PR. His father has legitimate reason to believe he should not be in your care. I'm sorry but SS may very well think primary custody should not be with you.

Namechange128 · 22/04/2018 07:21

Agree with others about getting help for yourself, do you have support? This will be so valuable for you personally, and will maximise your chances of getting a custody agreement that works best for you and your son.

What I don't understand is all the hate on the step mum. She has cared for her ex's son since birth and 5 years later is willing to take on permanent care? Yes, she can possibly be kinder to the OP, and what she is suggesting may turn out to be wrong (hard to know from one post) but it sounds like she is trying to do the right thing by a child with no blood tie, and in a situation with what with quite severe mental health issues - I see lots of children with no such advocate even among close relatives. This sounds like a really tricky situation and one that the right kind of SS support really cab help to resolve in the child's best interests.

SparklyMagpie · 22/04/2018 09:00

What support are you getting or seeking with your phobia OP?

Are you showing them that you are getting the help you need?

Starlight2345 · 22/04/2018 10:41

I think you need to approach gp or any other mh professionals already involved .

greendale17 · 22/04/2018 11:54

You officially admitted you are unable to take care of him and willfully handed him over to a woman who has no PR. His father has legitimate reason to believe he should not be in your care.

^This. OP you have to realise that SS will do what is best for your child and if that means being with his Father then so be it

Pinklaydee1302 · 22/04/2018 13:05

His father isn't perfect by any stretch and I wouldn't want him to get sole custody of my son. When they were together he left all the care to her and went to pub! She is a caring woman who genuinely loves my son like he's her own.. I just don't want them to plan and scheme to get him out of my life entirely . I have spoken to her and she said she doesn't want to take him away she just wants to give him the best chance and to be honest I'm failing to do that at moment as my anxiety is at a highSad

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Pinklaydee1302 · 22/04/2018 13:08

I once called them in middle of night to come and get him cos I didn't feel I could get through the night with him. They just do much better with him when he sick and I don't want him to pick up on it as my elder son has the phobia too

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RBBMummy · 22/04/2018 20:58

I'm sorry but honestly from what you have said it's sounds like he might be best in her custody as you can't provide a stable environment right now. That wouldn't necessarily mean not seeing him all week. 2 or 3 times a week you could pick him up from school, give him dinner, take him to the park or whatever, then bring him to hers before he starts his bedtime routine. Then trade off weekends, fathers weekend, your weekend, step mum's weekend, repeat. If you're ex agrees you could have something legally written up easily, it could be the best thing for your son. Just something to think about before SS get involved

Everywhereilookaround · 22/04/2018 21:47

Please don't give your rights away, or hand your child over without sound legal advice and some advocacy for yourself. Things could get easier if you have help with parenting. Speak to Barnardo's they might be able to offer you support, or your CPN or social worker if you have one. Don't be pressured into making such an immense decision (which could have profound effects on all your children as well as yourself) on the basis of some Mumsnet posts. I could cry for you right now.

A social worker shouldn't judge you negatively for seeking help from your partner's ex when you've not been able to care for your child.
Recognising your own weaknesses and getting help is a massive strength.

Get the right level of practical support in for you and your children, that could be more shared care with dad or another trusted person. Also it's not about custody anymore and hasn't been for a long time, it's about 'child arrangements' that is who provides what care and when. You and baby's father should be involved in agreeing this together, or through mediation. Noone will ever think it's in the child's best interest to not see it's parent unless you've done something very very serious. Even then they will want to try and help you maintain some bond. Your son needs you in his life. Please find someone who can speak up for you soon.

Take care.

Pinklaydee1302 · 23/04/2018 22:47

She has decided to move back in with his father and my son is with them tonight ...I feel relief when I don't have him every night ...

I'm going to have him once through week and alternate weekends

It's for the best

Thanks for everyone's replies

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