How do you manage your own exhaustion?

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Newly single (since beginning of March) with DD whose 2.10 but developmentally 18-24mish.

And the exhaustion is unreal. She goes to Nursery 3 days a week but I seem to spend those days playing catch up with housework, making phonecalls to her consultants or attending my own appointments (I am a SAHM despite me wanting to work, ExH isolated me) of counselling or GP appointments. So no break.

Then when she's home she wants all my attention, she's lashing out at me - hitting kicking and biting. She makes noise constantly, even if she's quiet she's humming or talking to herself. She's dropped her nap so I don't get a break then. Or we're at her appointments or doing the food shop. She can entertain herself for a few minutes at a time but if I leave the room she follows me.

And to top it off she's starting waking up to 3 times in the night and waking at 5.30am since the light nights started - she doesn't understand a GroClock.

I am exhausted. She's only allowed supervised visits with her dad, which are for 40-60 minutes because that's all she wants. My mum works fulltime so can very infrequently help me, my brother will only watch her if I'm about to help and my granddads elderly so can't help.

How do I get a couple of hours to myself? I can't afford to put her in Nursery anymore than she's in, I can't afford the £20 an hour I've been quoted by a babysitter. What can I do? I need a break or I'm going to have a breakdown. All I want is a long nap.

*all he wants

Also check out direct payments

Are you receiving DLA?

QuiteLikely He only wants her for an hour and it's supervised as that's what I've been advised by SS. That;s why he only wants an hour because "I can't parent her properly so I'm not going to try"

Lower Rate DLA which amounts to about £20 a week.

V unsupportive response unlikely, why bother commenting?

HighHorse DD has extra needs so I spend most of that 3 days chasing up appointments or letters or talking to consultants or the health visitor. And when I'm not I'm at my own counselling sessions or seeing my own GP about my tablets as the split was due to DV.

OP there is a lot of this unsupportive shit going on with the threads today, please ignore the wankers!

OP first up tell everyone who is not dealing first hand with the difficulty of parenting a child with sn to fuck right off, that includes this thread which I think you should ask to have moved to the sn support board.

It will get easier over time and with practice but for now get this thread deleted and get over to sn.

I think you’ve got caught into the trap of not making yourself important. Its a really easy one to fall into and when you are a newly single parent it can feel really overwhelming and anxiety provoking. Even more so when your child has additional needs.

You are exhausted and it sounds like you have just been through not only a marriage breakdown but a pretty brutal one with SS involvement.

You need to be incredibly kind to yourself and prioritise your needs too. This will not only help you feel better, but you can also look at it as an investment for your daughter who will also benefit from a well rested Mum.

Each of those days she is at nursery, dedicate an hour or so to yourself. No excuses. No shits given if the hoovering needs doing or a call needs to be made- it can get done afterwards if needs must. Then do something for yourself. Nap. Have a coffee. Take a bath. Whatever floats your boat.

But if you don’t make time, it will never magically appear.

Quitelikely5 contribute positively or fuck off.

OK op, simple stuff have you

tried to get help from ss with extra care hours (preferably direct payments so you can choose your carer etc) - yes i know how tricky this is but give it a bash

Try local charities for home help - do you have a local home start?

black out blinds

cerebra can help with sleep solution advice

self care - watch your diet, exercise etc try to keep healthy

local sn support groups to meet other parents

are you getting all benefits/discounts/grants you are entitled to

treat the medical stuff like a job so diary, to do list, see if friends and relatives can help with letter proof reading etc - keep office hours on that stuff so it doesn't drive you mad.

Agree that you must carve out time for yourself. I would even go so far as to say one or two of the nursery days is sleep time from now on. If you can fit a solid 4hr sleep window in there a couple of times a week your mental health and all round coping mechanisms will improve drastically.

The effects of dealing with stress whilst undergoing long term sleep deprivation are extreme. Few people understand how rough it can be unless they have dealt with it long term. Totally different to new born sleep deprivation and not comparable so don't let anyone belittle your condition or the effect your life situation is having on you. You are fragile and need to take care of yourself as best you can to protect your mental health.

Coffee and remembering this too will pass.

Mine are older now and sleep more than I do. Some things get easier as they get older, some things get harder. I can pop to the shops alone, go out for a few quiet drinks and have some reluctant help with housework and dog exercising otoh the 11yo just walked in to the 15yo's bedroom and loudly exclaimed "oops, sorry," before warning me not to go in because her girlfriend is in there with her. As DD2 is friends with Dd1's girlfriend, I can only assume they were naked or semi naked.

There's only me to do yet another sex talk, so that's fun.

Nursery won't allow staff to babysit anyone who attends the Nursery it's in the staff contracts, I've asked before.

op

I agree with Rainboho

Your exhaustion makes everything slower and harder so best to try and tackle that first by putting yourself first on those days. Timetable the three days off. An hour for a nap. An hour and half for housework. An hour to make phonecalls. What isn't achieved will have to wait for the next scheduled time rather than eat into 'your hour'. Get your brother to help with something else rather than watching his niece, something that will save you time on one of those days she's at nursery.
Does she have any long stretches of sleep? If so, for the time being, it might be an idea to sleep during this time and then wake up during the difficult period and just get on with other stuff. Good luck with the counselling, it does and will get better x

Single mum of 3 here. Stbexh left 6 years ago when I had just our daughters. The first few weeks were hard. I was working 2 long days a week and one short one. I had to get them to the childminder for 7am then their dad would take them to school and pick them up again before returning them at 7pm which is when I got home. My short day they went to breakfast club but I was home in time to collect them. Fast forward and I now have a pre-schooler who never sees his dad. Never. No family help. He doesn't go to nursery and I don't work as I want to make the most of his early years. He has a nap for an hour. I tend to go to bed around 8pm in order to get as much rest as I can as there are no hours in the day. If you Lo is at nursery 2 days then that's plenty of time to yourself but it's early days and you are still adjusting to the newly single mum life. It's hard work but I love it. My advice is to go to bed early most nights but stay up once in a while to enjoy the evening. What time does dc go to sleep at night?

Do research on how sleep works for yourself also op.

Most adults sleep in 4 hr cycles hence 8 hrs is best. This is why if you get woken up after a couple of hours you feel worse than if you get woken up after half hour - you were in a deeper sleep. If your 4hr cycle is being interrupted often you will find it affects your memory, motor skills, food cravings, emotions, immunity - everything.

If this is happening then make regular time for that 4hr cycle. For me to do that I need a half hour either side, blindfold, and half hour shower/dress time. So I would need 4.5-5.5 hr window to do a proper catch up.

If I can't make this window then 3hrs will make me feel worse but I can feel better with a 1hr nap, this includes 15min going to sleep and 15 min after alarm to stretch awake. This is enough to refresh me and take away the joint pain etc for a day or so. It is also an emergency solution for the days I want to lie down on the floor and not get up again.

You might find your ideal nap time is a bit more or less. Experiment and see. Try drinking a big glass of water before short naps, you will wake easier when you need to go to the loo and hydration helps.

Switch coffee for peppermint tea as much as you can because long term it will make you feel worse and sleep worse. Zero alcohol, try to get fresh air every day. All the stuff you know but find hard to do when tired and craving sugar and stimulants.