Stressful pregnancy due to unreliable, dishonest and unsupportive father

[ezhec]

Hello,

I am 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby (following multiple miscarriages). Does anyone have advice or tips on how to deal with the following issues:
I discovered shortly after finding out I was pregnant that the father had been lying about and concealing the true picture of the situation with existing children and ex, which is far from stable, constantly changing and full of conflict;
Both he and his ex are unable to stick with the contact order in place - this makes me concerned about reliability with our baby when born and also with exposure to conflict, change and instability;
He wanted to move into the house I own with me but I was concerned about whether he was financially stable and responsible with money. He said debt was minimal but he would address it. He hasn't addressed it, it is not minimal and he has been more - not less - financially irresponsible since we found out I was pregnant;
There is a pattern of going out all night and staying out and is not contactable when I need support;
He gets angry and defensive when I say I feel unsupported;
He lied about having given up smoking which he promised to do to support me, save money, and for health reasons. I am concerned about smoke around the baby;
He has offered nothing and contributed nothing to the costs during pregnancy - and has not proposed any support when baby arrives (I have significant costs including childcare when I go back to work of 11.5k per year).
There is history of domestic abuse;
He constantly makes promises he doesn't keep;
Does not provide any emotional support - wants to be involved in the nice things like choosing nursery furniture (which I am paying for) and telling me what his views are on breastfeeding and pain relief but doesn't listen to my views and anxieties and criticises me for researching these things on the internet;
He thinks just turning up to appointments is support - it makes me stressed;
Every time he says he will do something I am stressed and anxious about whether it will be followed through or not - which more often it isn't;

I am concerned about whether his being at the birth is going to make it more stressful and possibly even traumatic for both me and for the baby. I don't think I can trust him to drop everything and be there - or that I'll even be able to get hold of him when I'm in labour. He says he has booked paternity leave but I don't know if I can trust him to be here to help or whether he will make the first few weeks hell for me.

I don't know how to approach arranging contact that will not distress or disrupt the baby and I if he continues to make things difficult for me and continues to treat me badly until the baby is born.

This has been making me ill and I am concerned about the impact on the baby. I keep thinking it will be better for the baby if he changes but suspect I am being naïve.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation and how did they resolve it?

BTW, the domestic abuse was in the previous relationship

Resolve it? Do you really mean that?

Why the actual fuckity fuck are you with this guy? He is horrendous to you and has abused his ex?

Are you still in a relationship with him ? If you are I am wondering why ?

If he is making everything worse for you which it sounds like then tell him you will be in touch after the birth .?

Offer visits to see baby little and often . And if he doesn’t pay cms once baby is born .

Do you have family members who could provide more support?

I think you've answered your questions, in setting it all down here. You say that "there is a history of domestic abuse" - presumably committed by him? I would suggest ringing Women's Aid - your local branch or the national helpline, and getting support from them and from family / friends, to end the relationship and get written contact agreement in place, preferably with the benefit of legal advice, to protect you and the baby as much as possible. I haven't been in exactly your situation but have escaped from emotional abuse. But be careful: the most dangerous time for a woman is when ending a relationship with an abuser, one of the reasons why you need professional advice. Sorry to sound blunt but there's no two ways about this. Hopefully (for you) he'll go back to his previous relationship, or a new one, and forget about you and his child. That probably sounds awful but it would be for the best, from what you say. So all you can to put space between you and this man. Sorry I need to go to bed so have summarised, but I don't get the impression you have great feeling for him.

stay away from him, don't expect any support, you wont get it. build a nice future for you and the baby. I hope you didn't let him move in with you.

Oh that does sound awful, apologies, I AM really really sorry you're in this situation and I realise you don't want a load of stress at 33 weeks. Can you talk to yr midwife, they have training for such situations? There may be a midwife who specialises in abuse situations. As I say Women's Aid will definitely be able to advise, and as abuse often gets worse during pregnancy, they will be used to supporting mums to be. Congratulations on your baby!!

Th women's aid helpline is 24 hours, if you're staying up worrying about this I suggest ringing them now. I don't think anyone swearing at you on here is going to help. It's not your fault he charmed you initially (my guess).

Thank you everyone for responding so quickly. The domestic abuse was in the previous relationship although I do wonder whether this amounts to emotional abuse. I feel abused, I feel I have no stability whatsoever and I get blamed for getting upset when I find out he has been lying again or continued to not do what he promised.

So sorry you are having such a stressful time op.

But why on earth do you want to be with this horrible man?

Please just end it and focus on your baby and yourself he will not change, this is who he is.

Any advice on how to end it and set out how things are going to have to work in terms of the birth, the first few weeks and contact? I've been bouncing between giving him more chances and trying to consider whether it would be better to erase him from my life and get on with my own and wait to see whether he applies to court, and deal with it then. But is this fair on the baby?

Op what a child needs is a reliable committed parent, he doesn't sound like he is capable of that, so you are better off going it alone.

You own your house so simply either get back his key or to be sure change your locks, tell him it is over.

Organise another birthing partner so as not to have any stress/uncertainty at that important time.

Take legal advice as to whether or not to put him on the birth certificate.

I suspect he will move on really quickly and if so it is better for you and your Dc to know his true colours now so you can build a good life without him, one day you will meet someone worth it.

Would it be fair on the baby for you to drop this deadbeat dad before he/she is born and basically go it alone? Yes, it would. In fact, from what you've said I would venture that the baby will be considerably better off without this unreliable individual in your lives, messing things up.

Tell him the relationship is over. As you say - it's up to him to pursue access or visitation. I would talk to a solicitor, however, to get the legal low-down on your situation, about whether it is wise to name him as the father on the birth certificate, etc. You still have time to do this.

I would also not want him at the birth. Plan to have your mum, sister, friend, or even just a doula there with you. You are correct in thinking that someone who brings you stress and worry should not be in the labour room with you. You will need calm and peace in which to deliver your baby - so plan to only have someone present who you can trust to give you that. Good luck.