How much contact will my unstable ex be allowed?

[majorworrier]

NC and I've posted A LOT about this before but under a different name. But things have once again escalated so I suppose I'm just looking for as much advice/ opinions as possible.

I was with someone a couple of years, who I tried desperately to help with his mental health, he acted like he wanted help and to be cooperative but at the end of the day, he never tried hard enough to get better. when I tried to break up with him because I couldn't deal with it, he'd tell me he was going to kill himself, so I just stayed with him. I really did love him a lot and I wanted to help him because other than his problems we had a wonderful relationship.

One night we ended up having a huge argument (he had been drinking excessively for a couple of days), he told me to fuck off out of his house and as I was packing up my stuff to leave, he tried to slit his wrists. I managed to stop him but he still ended up with a huge cut in his arm and I stayed with him in a+e all night. Because he didn't want his parents to know he'd cut himself, (I'm assuming) that he told them I'd either a) driven him to cut himself or b) id actually done it, the reason I think this is because shortly after this incident he told me he wasn't "allowed" to see me anymore.

But alas, it was short lived and we continued to see each other because he wasn't coping well and was once again telling me he was going to kill himself. I didn't want him to do anything stupid especially after he'd done what he did. I didn't know what else to do.

Shortly after this shit show, I found out I was pregnant. (I was on the pill and it came as a shock) I told my ex, and he told me if I didn't abort he would kill himself. I knew for a million reasons it would be incredibly selfish of me to keep the baby. But, emotions got the better of me and at the abortion clinic I had my scan and I realised I couldn't go through with it. (I'm financially and mentally stable. I was overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant and the fact the babies dad is a total twat didn't seem like a good enough reason to do something I knew I'd regret forever)
Ex was fucking furious. I told him I was sorry, that I expected no financial help from him and I would not contact him. But low and behold a few weeks down the line he decided he wanted to be involved with the baby. I said fine, but he needs to sort his mental health and problems out. He seemed to really grow up, we started seeing each other again, taking things slow, he got his life sorted, obviously it was too good to be true. He was sleeping with lots of other people (I had no idea) he gave me chlamydia, I said the relationship was over but he could still of course be involved as long as he was still getting help.

Fast forward to the end of the pregnancy and he seemed to be getting help and being helpful and really looking forward to baby coming. Then out of the blue a girl started adding me on social medias, I figured out it was ex's new girlfriend. I told my ex and said she needs to stop, at which point he became enraged, told me she had just done it by accident. He told me he no longer wants any contact with me and he'll have minimal contact with the baby until baby is old enough to be cared for without me being there.
But I don't want this guy around my baby by himself. I'm not sure he's getting the help he needs and he sure as hell has no idea how to look after a baby. What are the chances that if he went for contact/ visitation rights that he would be allowed to look after her alone? If I was saying to him he can have as much contact as he likes as long as I'm present? After a long time worrying about him and making sure he's okay and not doing anything stupid I suddenly just don't care. All I care about is my baby and everything in me wishes her father would just Fxck off

Sorry for the essay I just feel extremely guilty and helpless. What happens now?

Is there police /medical evidence a solicitor could show a court in your favour? Irl it could be seen as hearsay and he could apply to court for access. Is he on the bc? He would have to show reasons to be given PR if your solicitor can use any evidence you may have regarding your reasons against.

I think you have enabled him to this point if I’m honest, and I think his new girlfriend will now continue to enable him.

It sounds like you haven’t reported anything and now retrospectively I’m not sure how much you will be listened to.

I don’t like the way you speak about his mental health - like if he could have just tried harder he would have been able to get better. Do you know how insulting that is to people who do struggle and do try bloody hard?

If it’s your word against his about historical incidents, I know I’d be wondering why you have left it until now, when there is string of infidelity, a new baby and a new girlfriend, to report it.

Regardless of your history, this man is your child’s father, and he hasn’t done anything wrong towards it.

I’m sure the courts would ask for him to be assessed giving there’s is evidence of him being unstable through A&E visits or from his GP.
Has he actually been diagnosed with anything?
Is he taking medication?
I am hearing a lot now that the courts will Not hear a case unless you have tried mediation first.
Have you discussed mediation?

Have you had the baby? Don't put him on the birth certificate. Cut all contact with him and get off Facebook.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd move and stay off social media. If a father pursues contact, they're likely to get it. Even men who have abused their partners get contact.

I don’t like the way you speak about his mental health - like if he could have just tried harder he would have been able to get better. Do you know how insulting that is to people who do struggle and do try bloody hard?

This guy sounds unstable: he cheats, lies and intentionally manipulates through self harm. Not someone you want to help: someone to stay away from.

Given the history (I'm assuming here there's official evidence) I'm sure the courts would order an assessment. Contact would be granted either supervised or not depending on their findings, but even abusive men are usually granted regular supervised contact.
Is he on the birth certificate?

Not someone you want to help: someone to stay away from.

Indeed. But yet she did stay and did try to help until the infidelity came out.

As did I. I realized later on that he has a personally disorder and can't actually be helped by anyone... I no longer waste my time or sympathy on anyone like this.

Fair enough, but thankfully the law takes a slightly less biased approach.

I'm not thankful for the legal approach at all. I can't believe men who have bettered and emotionally abused their partners are allowed to have unsupervised contact with their children. I don't think the law is working.

I refuse to allow my children to see their biological father unsupervised, and I'm fortunate that he's so lazy he can't be bothered to see them more than once a year.

Well as they say, there’s three sides to every story.

I don't mean to come across as dismissive of his mental health. I know how much of a struggle it can be for some people. But when I was actively making him appointments, pouring away bottles of alcohol, throwing away drugs constantly... I really did try and help him.

The final straw came with the infidelity because it hit me not only had he put me at risk giving me an STD but if I hadn't found out about it, it could of affected my baby, whom as I said before I care about far more than him and his constant threats of suicide which I've realised now is nothing more than emotional abuse.

I'm so willing to let him have the opportunity to form a relationship with his child, but I don't think he should be allowed contact by himself. I have explained that to him, and his response was that his family are willing to provide him with the funds to get a fantastic solicitor who will ensure he gets what he wants. Is that really how it works? If he has the money he can get what he wants even if I have definitive proof of him being mentally unstable? (Countless messages of abuse and him telling me he's going to kill himself for reasons x, y, z?)

Obviously your situation is much more complex than an Internet forum can cater for. I would suggest you need to speak to a solicitor too.
The thing that confuses me though, is why would you want to supervise the contact? Why would you want to be near him? Supervised contact might be a goal for you to pursue, but contact supervised by you seems very unreasonable.
You have already shown that you are easily manipulated by him anyway so what would make you the best candidate for the supervision?
If you want to postpone it as long as possible perhaps make sure you keep breastfeeding and don’t express any milk at all. But even that’s a power game really, isn’t it?

What are you afraid he will do and what do you think you could do to stop him if he did?

Also I’m sure it doesn’t need said after the fact, but you can’t fix anyone. He needs to book the appointments, avoid situations where alcohol is a temptation, etc.
It sounds like you took on the role of caregiver, not an equal partner in a relationship.

From your posts I am assuming baby isn’t born.

I would not speak to him respond before baby is born .

My ex had mh issues , we went through arrangements . In the end it came to the point I wanted his mh assessing before contact. He dropped out of court case never to be heard from again.

Block him on s. Media . If he messages tell him you will contact him after baby is born.

I also would register without him . My ex said once he wanted to kill himself and take Ds with him. We were married so he had pr so if he took him police would not return him.