First days by myself

[Karmelita]

I'm writing to have some support and reassurance that in the end it won't be that bad. Long story short, DH walked out on me in February and by March we've been separated, him living elsewhere but keeping most his possessions and clothes at home and coming twice a week in the evenings - he would play with DH, change clothes and be off again - and on weekends.
I was previously working part-time as a freelancer and now that we're heading for a divorce, found myself a full-time job. Yesterday was my first day and I came home knackered. To imagine I planned to be taking an online course in the evenings to boost my knowledge...
At work I feel like an impostor because i'm surrounded by people younger and brighter than me.
This massive change - becoming a lone parent, getting a full-time job and a nanny for DD, having to move out soon - is overwhelming. And I resent my stbx living through this separation as a breeze. And I resent my missing him badly and secretly wishing he would come back even after all the nasty things he told me.

Didn’t want to read & run. I am so sorry for your separation.
I think feeling like you want your old life back is normal
It is a period of adjustment.
It is 2 years since I split from my ex, he was unfaithful etc. Still with ow

There is a whole series of emotions you will go through, like a bereavement, you can google it.
Be very gentle on yourself, you have started a new job too.
How old is your DS?
Consider your ex taking him out for an afternoon, instead.
He also needs to move his stuff out.

Our DD is 7 years old. It is heartwrenching to see her run and hug her daddy when he goes "to his place". She then crawls onto my lap to cry how miserable she feels. Arrrgh, I get SO angry with him , it's his pure luck he's not around!

You are not alone.
I am a year on since finding out dh was having affairs and I left.
I had to leave my home and to make it much worse my dd chose to stay with him so I lost my home and my dd!
I am living with my parents at the moment while our house is for sale but I wake up and feel so alone sometimes and I cant believe after his behaviour I am the one has lost everything.
I just try to think of the future, the house being sold, my own place and new people in my life.
I feel that my dd will grow up and look back and I have nothing to be shamed of and she will come back to me eventually.
It is such a lonely horrible time, I am very much still in it.
I started dating after a few months, nothing serious just to feel better about myself I guess after such betrayal.... and it helped my confidence no end. Its his loss!

Lostlily, octonaught, thank you for the handhold!

Lostlily, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you've been through. I hope you and your DD will reunite one day. Stay strong!

It's still early days and you've had to make some huge changes already. The fact that you are able to get ready, go to work, have found a nanny during this time is testamount to your strength.
Keep strong, don't look too far ahead as it's overwhelming.
Children adjust to new routines, with just the occasional wobble. This is always difficult to see them upset, but remind yourself that being in a home with unhappy parents isn't the answer.
Also I would try to get your ex to remove his stuff and have contact away from the house.
Take care 💙

Thank you, mumsnetters! I don't know where i would be without your support.
I am certainly not a happy parent now. In fact i feel more miserable and useless than ever. I've just come home from work (new industry for me, a lot to learn and catch up with, so i feel very nervous and insecure) to discover that my DD did not do her music lessons despite our morning discussion about what is to be done today. I completely flew off the handle and raised a hullaballoo and we both ended up in tears.
What do you do on the days when you feel like the whole world is collapsing?

It's such a tough time. This happened 3 years ago to me. I won't lie - the first year was tough and I super struggled with the challenge of new job plus everything else. My brain felt fried most days, and I had a super short fuse. It slowly gets easier though..... I have my own pad, dd and I have a lovely relationship, I have fab friends, a job and colleagues that I adore (most of the time) and time for myself every fortnight. It was difficult and hard to get to this point but it's entirely possible. Am starting to dip my toe into the dating pool which is also fun.

As for how you get through the dark times... Just breathe. Take it a day at time, a task at a time. And give yourself permission to struggle because it is hard and when you are finding life difficult be super kind to yourself.

tomatoplantproject, thank you for support. Frankly, I don't know if I ever will recover from this. We have been together for 17 years, 13 of them married... I am 36 now, have been out of the full-time workforce for 8 years and took an average-paying job within my average qualifications. Most of all I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to fully get off the ground, so and DD and I will lead a meagre life from now on. And the fear of loneliness also hovers in the background.
My stbx, as I learned, is looking for a flat to rent. With the OW, i suppose, though i never asked.
Last time we spoke he told me that one of the things he couldn't bear anymore was that I am not a career-oriented person and that, in his opinion, i am not fulfilled at work (i was indeed a modest freelancer, yet getting regular orders).
I now feel humiliated and totally ashamed of saying to other people (at work, for instance) that I am about to be divorced. And I am incredibly ashamed that at my age I am not fulfilled at work and that i am not a highly-sought-after professional.

Though maybe if he just loved me my career - or absence thereof- wouldn't matter to him...

Hi. Just wanted to offer a huge HUG and ....yes it will get easier. It's so hard right now, but it won't always be. Promise x take things in little steps, be kind to yourself, there's no easy or perfect way to manage separation when kids are involved ...just keep your head up (you have nothing to be ashamed of!) ask your friends/family for support when you need it, and get into a routine. Routines help.
Your little one doesn't need a high powered career woman, she just needs a mum who loves her.

Days I feel like collapsing = sneaky g&t before bed, music, writing a journal or phoning a friend. Hugs x

Just wanted to say thanks again, mumsnetters, for all your support. I'm into the third week of my new life, so to speak. Being a lone parent without family support is so tough. I come home at 6 pm and balk at having to wash-up and to make dinner and help the DD with her school homework... STBX, when he comes around, gives me the impression that he expects everything to be hunky-dory. When he takes DD out on weekends it's always a party for both of them - luncheons in cafes, amusement parks, zoo, trips to the country, expensive toys... And he was telling me two months ago that he doen't intend to be a "weekend daddy". I'm so worried that she'll grow up hating me for being the everyday careworn mum, not fun to be around.

@Karmelita if H started taking dd at more regular times maybe you could get some rest/get housework done so that you can do nice exciting things with her too when she's with you?

I remember another poster years ago used to batch cook/make weeks lunches/clean etc all while her dc were with their dad so that she could give them full attention while they were with her.

I work full time as does H and we have a cleaner, I fully expect when we separate this will go but I intend to blitz things for a couple of hours that they're away, obviously not spend all my child free time doing it!

Yep, that's probably what I should do in the future. Get more organized, outsource the house cleaning, and maybe order take-away food a couple of times a week.

Sorry for the rant - it's just one of those days (((((
It has been almost 4 months since my H told me he wanted to divorce me after 14 years and marched off to live elsewhere.
I made every possible mistake in the first days: I cried in front of him, I begged him to stay for DD, I promised to change, I tried couples therapy with him (even though he made it clear during the session he was not there to mend things).
I thought I would have resigned by now, but I'm still dying inside every day.
Especially on days he comes to visit DD. I brace myself not to cringe in front of him, but I cannot maintain the happy-to-be-single facade.
He says he wants to remain friends, says he's sorry and he didn't mean for our family to end up broken, but he wants to spend the next 17 years of his active life in a different way. Says there's no OW, but I think there is.
We have been together since I was 18 (I am 37 now), and I cannot imagine my life without him. I kick myself everyday for letting us grow apart and driving him away (I know my faults).
I'm tying myself in knots and have not brought up the subject of reconciliation for
three months now. Everytime I feel like I might ask him to reconsider his decision, his words resound in my head: "I do not want to be here. I do not want to be with you".

The recent straw is that H is planning to take DD to the seaside together with him and his parents. He did not offer me to come along (I could hardly afford it, all the same).
I know I must let DD go with them, but it hurts so much when I imagine them playing happy family with my DD.The in-laws seemed ok with our divorce - they kind of always thought their golden boy was too good for me, especially because it's not the first time that H leaves me (did that before marriage and some 8 years ago, before DD arrived).
I don't know why I'm letting myself have these thoughts. I guess I'm one of those persons who always seem to stuck in the past. And though I know it won't do me any good, I don't know any better. How do you actually turn your back on someone you've been since you were 18 and start a brand new single life all of a sudden??

Oh, and a mutual male friend told me recently that my STBxH had complained to him 6 years ago that he - my STBxH - "married the wrong woman". Our DD was 1 year old at that time.

I decided I should thank you, mumsnetters, for all your support that you gave me when I hit that emotional rock bottom. And as words of hope for all women that are going through an unsolicited divorce, there is light at the end of that tunnel. Life's still not a bed of roses, but it has become bearable, with the usual ups and downs. The most difficult part for me, maybe, is putting on my big-girl pants and dealing with the financial matters - the mortgage, the savings, the pension, etc., while at the same time working a full-time job, taking proficiency courses in my line of work, caring for my daughter and elderly parents, and trying to have a resemblance of a social life once in a while.
I reconnected with literally a couple of old friends that my ExH used to dislike and made new friendships.
Yet, sometimes I cannot but feel down, remembering all the good things about my failed marriage and my now ExH. These good memories mixed with the bitterness of the divorce and its emotional backdrop are excruciating. I start looking back and going in circles, asking myself what I did wrong...
I'm also writing today to remind myself of those days when I saw no glimpse of hope for improvement so that this post stands as hard evidence to the contrary.