How to explain an absent dad to my son

[Weelis02]

My son is 6. Every now and again he asks why he doesn't have a dad and I have no idea what to say. Last night he said to me what he wanted for Christmas. A dad . He says our family isn't normal without 1.

His dad left when he was 1 so he has no memory of him. He doesn't ask where is MY dad, he just says he wants 1. Should I be explaining to him that he does have 1 but he lives too far away or? I do have a few photos kept of his dad and my son when my son was a baby so that whenever it did come up I could say "this is your dad".

His dad was a horrible, selfish person but I would never ever bad mouth him to my son.
I'm just not sure how much to tell him with him only being 6. I feel I sort of try and get off the subject but I know as he gets older I will need to explain it all to him. I just don't know what is age appropriate? He's very clever and very sensitive so he's not the type to just shrug it off.

Any advice would be much appreciated x

I've no advise but I'll be watching this thread. My daughters father isn't in her life either but she's only 2 so hopefully have a while yet. I would tell your son the truth in a child friendly way. I'll tell my daughter mummy and daddy didn't get on and he lives far away (a couple of hours)

I know it's hard but keep doing what your doing and answer any questions your son has.

Thanks, hope you get some answers too. It's hard but makes you proud that you're doing a great job on your own x

Definitely show him the pictures. But maybe let him know you might have some and then casually get them. Then maybe say he wasnt ready to be a Daddy. Being a Daddy means you dont get to do all of your own ideas, just some of them. Some growns havent learned that.

I bet you are doing a great job. Your little boy is very lucky.

I think showing him the photos is a good idea. You'll have to tone down the why you broke up with him but I think he'll find it informative.
I'd explain that his Dad wasn't ready to be a Daddy. Does he know any other kids in a similar position or some who was adopted who might understand the concept of an adult not being able to be a parent? Does he have other people in his life that aren't relatives but are like family? Has he thought about how families who are not mum+dad+kids?
m.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ9fjN1az9g

Thank you for your replies. The only male figure in his life is my dad, he's an amazing grandad to him and does all the things a dad would do but I understand it's not the same.

I felt it was a bit hard to go about it as he's saying he wants a dad and he's not saying "where is my dad". It's a tough 1 but I definitely agree with what you have both said about saying I should say his dad wasn't ready to be a dad yet x

I grew up without a dad but I was old enough to see what he was and he was a grade A bastard.
Ovb you can’t tell your son that about his just yet. Just tell him some of the truth, you and his dad weren’t good together and try change the subject.

Agree with pp. Also try not to allow your son to imagine him as a hero: explain that he's normal and has faults too. Sometimes absent parents can be built up into idols.

I'd also emphasize that a family is not just a Mum, dad and kids, and that there are lots of different families.

My sons dad walked out on me when I found out I was pregnant, I was 17 he was 18, we had been together for 4 years, even his family turned his back on me. They have never met him, seen a picture or paid a penny, when he was about 8 he started acting out (when I met my now long term partner) I sat him down and told him THE TRUTH his was young, stupid, selfish and not ready to be a dad, I made the decision that if he wasn’t going to be involved by the time he turned 3 I would close the door on it, needless to say he never attempted contact neither did his family, my sons response.... “mum I’m sorry my dad was a dickhead” I never badmouth the sperm doner or make him a relevance to our life together, he’s 15 now and a lovely young man (who unfortunately is the spitting image of a man i can’t stand) but he appreciates that I done everything alone and that I worked my arse off to be mum dad Nan and grandad to him!

Essex can I ask if you ever mentioned his dad to him or did you wait until he asked?

Hi ya, he started hinting for me to tell him details when he was about 8, before that he would ask why he didn’t have a dad and when I met DP he would ask if he was going to be his dad

Maybe explain that it's OK to not have a dad in your life. That you can't just buy a dad or find one it's not that easy.
Tell him a dad is the person who made you, but just because he isn't there doesn't mean he doesn't exist. Maybe try and explain why you don't see him any more I. E he has his own life and he chooses not to see you and your son. Good to remind him he isn't dead too and he needs to be thankful he is still alive, but its not his fault the dad doesn't choose to see him.

Thanks for all your replies. It's so difficult. I have it all in my head on what I could say but then my head turns to mush when he asks me the Qs outta the blue. I don't want to say too much as he's only 6 and he always blames things on himself ie if he gets something wrong at school, he's really hard on himself and it would break my heart if he would blame himself that his dads not around

Aww weelis02 it is hard but sometimes restrictive honesty is the best policy at that age, you can tell him his dad wasn’t ready to be be a dad and that you love him enough for both of you, even explain to him that families come in all different shapes and forms, 2 dads 2 mums 1 mum or 1 dad etc (we had 2 dads in reception class, that was a fun chat but all my children are very open minded about things like that now) nothing comes with a lifelong plan even with the best intentions but building it up in his head might do more harm than good

Sorry Essex but how do you mean building it up in his head? I don't know what you mean sorry

Sorry Weeli02 I mean him building up a mental picture himself, like wondering is it my fault? is he dead? is he a secret superhero? (Joking... sorry) Kids can make such big assumptions it’s better for me to keep things clear and to let them know it’s not their fault even if it does mean baring some of the ugly truth, I hope i could help, it helped my son but as always everyone’s situation is different

So far my son doesn't even know he actually has a dad. He thinks we should get 1 for Christmas . I don't want to say he was a lying cheating horrible abusive person but then I don't want to paint an amazing picture of him either as that's a lie. It's a difficult 1

Aww bless his little heart! Maybe just skirt round the edges of the truth... you do have a dad, your dad tried to be a daddy but couldn’t be the best dad that he wanted to be so mummy decided to be mummy and daddy for you?

Yeah il maybe try saying that when he asks again. As a mum you don't want them to hurt, it's hard. Thanks for replying to me, it's good to speak to some1 that has been in that situation

No worries @weelis02 if you need a chat your welcome to pm me anytime, I’ve managed 15 years without his dad or his family, I’m very lucky to have a great kid that turned out amazingly considering I was a teenage mum on here own, homeless & broke without a clue on babies (Yh got made redundant and lost my home whist 7 months pregnant too.... no help from the wanker then either ) xxx