Mediation

[octobersunshine]

I've just received a letter from a mediator saying that ex partner has requested mediation.

My emotional response is to be furious. Ex has had very little involvement with DS. During the time we lived together, he was on benders, holidays etc most weekends and would be aggressive when I asked him to help. After he walked out when DS was six months, spent the next 9 months barely seeing him despite encouragement.

And now, DS has got to a cute age, he's decided he wants to know and he's got to have him overnight immediately. I'm enraged at the temerity of his decision which unfortunately is entirely in keeping with his desire to have everything on his terms - both when he didn't want to know and now he does.

I'm terrified of mediation, and of the mediator not seeing through my ex who is a complete narcissist and a self entitled bully, but he has an affable and charming manner with people.

Does anyone have any positive stories of mediation please? I have seven days to respond. I imagine if I refuse, he'll be able to lodge an application with the courts which would be even worse.

Firstly, he might have been a shit dad but the child has a right to see it’s dad (it’s not the dads right).

If you refuse medication you could be viewed as making contact difficult. If you don’t go to mediation it will go straight to court.

If you can work things out between you it’s best. My OH went had to take his EW to court after 2 years of her using the children as weapons and refusing contact. He offered mediation and she refused. It was brought up in court and viewed as her not putting the children’s best interests at heart.

I know the child has the right to contact with his dad. He has half the weekends and two evenings in the week. For a 22 month old whose father has only been sporadically involved for the past 8 months, I think that's fair, reasonable and age appropriate.

The letter states that once an agreement is reached, they will submit to a legal agreement. I had thought agreements in mediation weren't legally binding. Can you viably refuse for agreements not to be submitted via a family court?

You may need to re-adjust how youre approaching this. Once it gets to mediation it starts getting legal from that point.
Its like this, an agreement in mediation would likely be ratified and witnessed. Although its not legally binding in that no ones going to prison, willfully going against the agreement would do damage to your case and the parental trust should you then go on to court.
From my experience, you need to forget about whether the mediator will see through him. Likewise with CAFCASS if you go to court. Its proof thats king and thats what the judges would look at.
Sit down, and have a good long think about it from childs point of view and come up with a schedule and timeframe that you think would be good. Nothing has to happen immediately but if its in childs best interest, and your decisions are logically defensible, youre already 90% of the way there. Just imagine that from this point on ANYTHING you do could be scrutinised by a judge in court. So record everything, every effort you make, every reasonable offer you make.
Basically, depending on your ex, this isnt going away so if I were you Id get a decent proposal together and start negotiating. At the moment you have a lot of say in the decision but as the process goes on you'll lose until the one day at the final hearing the decision of your children is completely taken out of your hands by a stranger.

Answering your question exactly: You can ask for it not to be legally ratified but assuming, it is in fact an "agreement" why wouldnt you want to be protected?
Asking for it not to be legally binding will most definitely be seen as clear intent not to abide by it.
So remember this: you can even breach a court order if you have genuine safety concerns but will of course need to show youve made every effort, and prove the safety concern.

My advice, if you feel you need to show the mediator what he's really like, then youre going to come off as petty and not with childs best interest. So ask the mediator for a shuttle service as you are intimidated. That means you'll be in separate rooms and the mediator will shuttle between you. Secretly, this is a great advantage because it gives you a good 20 minutes each time mediator is with other parent to calm yourself and consider proposals rather than be in same room arguing at 100MPH.

Sadly you can argue until the cows come home but the courts are simply only interested in what is best for the child.

Personally I've no idea why he's requesting mediation if you've got a more than fair agreement.

I'd go and offer what's happening now and then let him go to court if needs be.

Why is it sad that the courts are only interested in whats best for the child?

Fair would be 50/50 equal parenting, practically, emotionally, financially.
Im afraid whats fair for the parents though, has zero bearing on whats best for the child.

If you dont know why he's requesting mediation then youre only looking at it from your perspective.

Seriously, dont go to court, if you have the current arrangement now then he is very very likely to attain what he's requesting in court. 2 years old is about the time the courts start awarding overnight contact. [assuming its practicable, achievable and safe]

Its not unreasonable to say to him you want to see some continuity, reliability in his care and then overnight can start on said date.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Very similar situation here. I have no issue with over night in the future but for my child, now, its not right. However, we are going through mediation to talk through how to build up to over nights, which I do think is fair, and how to build a relationship for the children and their dad which, again, I think is right. Since you will be expected to attend mediation, its useful to hear what the kids dad wants and think about how or if you can come to any agreement within this.
The think about court and speak to a solicitor about what will be considered fair...
I wouldn't agree to anything you think is not right for your child personally, but you get lots of different points of view on here about that!