Defined Contact Order / emotional support needed

[Lasvegas]

Hi there. My husband left us when DD was 6 days old. Reasons given was 1)he was having affair, 2) he was depressed, 3)thought he was infertile but didn't bothering telling me the 4 yrs we tried 4 baby. That was in Dec 02.

Once family home sold in June 03 have not had any contact with him xcept solicitors letter re divorce, via a friends address. I don't want him 2 know where I live as he is mentally unstable and has threated to harm himself, me and DD also to snatch her from me. My life sorted pretty much I work full time, have lovely new house, am dating & adore being a mummy.

A couple of days ago I received sol letter saying he was going to court to get a defined contact order. My sol is part time judge who said even if he gets court order he/the courts cannot enforce it in practice and I will just be fined if I don't comply.

Because of his aggression I never intend to be near him not let DD near him. So please don't suggest that I let him become part of our lives as this is not an option.

Was wondering what others experiences of contact order court cases were. How many months the whole thing takes, will I have to see the X in court or will it all be done by CAFCAS report? DD 19 months old so court cannot question her. Despite my sols re-assurances am getting worried as so much stuff in media about absent dads.

I think you need to speak very seriously to your solicitor about you husband's history of mental instability and the very real danger he poses to your child and also, get in touch with oneparentfamilies (www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk) so that you can get some more advice and they may put you onto another organisation. The court needs to have the evidence presented before it to understand what a very bad idea it is to give your ex sole access to your child; rather than you having to break the order, the order must not be made in the first place - there have been enough stories in the media about these control freaks murdering their children in order to punish their wives, not given half as much prominence as the superhero contingent. I'm rushing out now so can't give any more advice, but I know how frightened you must feel, don't worry, you don't need to let the bastard near your DD, but you need to win in court. Many hugs - get on to the oneparent family helpline.

Oh Lasvegas just wanted to send sympathy, horrid situation. No experience of this, I'm afraid, but I have heard of contact centres where parents can be supervised during access visits so if the worst comes to the worst and he does get access, you could argue for this as a fall-back.
But given that he hasn't seen his dd since she was born, I very much hope no court will treat him sympathetically - there's no relationship with your gorgeous little girl anyway.
Do you have records of his threats/instability? Has he had medical treatment? Did you ever write anything down, or tell family/friends at the time? If so, would help argue case in front of court.

try gingerbread too, they have an excellent helpline
www.gingerbread.co.uk

Thanks for the advice. As you can imagine things were very confused around the time of him leaving. All I really recall is breast feeding continuously! It took him about 2 months to actually leave for good, kept leaving for a few days (told me he was staying with work colleague who turned out 2 b his mistress)!, he asked me to stay with my mum as he couldn't cope with life and this to - and fro went on for a couple of months. I do have dates of all times I saw him. It sounds awful but I saw him even after the threats becasue I needed to keep him sweet. I was on unpaid mat leave and was hoping for a generous financial settlement and thought I could handle him. Talk him down not man handle. Only much later when I had therapy that I actually faced up to how dangerous he was potentially. At the time I just blanked it out, of course when he got aggressive I asked him to leave the flat. He was (maybe even is) a Police Officer he told me that if I reported him for being a danger to me and DD he would loose job then would be unable to pay half of nursery etc. (at the time I thought he would contribute financially but tuned out not 2 b the case). Basically I have no 'real' evidence that he is a threat to DD other than I knew him intimately for 10 years and the gut instict of a mother. Will a court think I am paranoid. He was under care of psychiatrist and the Policie wouldn't let him work for a while (as I guess they thought he was unstable).

Lasvegas, the fact that he saw a psychiatrist and the police wouldn't let him work for a while is important, and should be made available to the court. Also, is there anyone else you told at the time (mother, sister, friend) who would stand up in court and confirm that you told them your ex made these threats?