Affecting DD behaviour

[virgo88]

Hoping to get some advice on how to help DD with her behaviour. It might drag on but please bare with me.

Long story short my STBXH left nearly 6 months ago for OW when I was pregnant with our second DD. Our eldest is currently 3 and a half and youngest nearly 3 months. He's been extremely inconsistent, forced new girlfriend on our eldest almost straight away and I've had to bend over backwards to try and help him maintain a relationship with both the girls. 6 weeks ago I managed to get him to sit down and agree on how we were going to split time and he sees them twice a week for about 6 hours each time. There's no overnights because 1. He doesn't want them and 2. I haven't pushed for them because he's made it clear he's not interested.

Since agreeing contact 6 weeks ago he has finally stuck to it but our eldest DDs behaviour has completely changed. She's went from being such a care free happy little soul to such an angry child. I felt like I got her through all the changes of him leaving, dealing with the introduction of his girlfriend too soon, the baby arriving etc but since she's had consistent contact she's became almost too difficult to handle at points. Her behaviour worsens when she comes back from seeing her Dad to the point where she actually attacked me tonight and wouldn't stop hitting me. I honestly felt in shock and didn't know what to do. I tried speaking to her to calm her down but it didn't work. I ended up having to force a time out in her room by closing her door and eventually she calmed down and gave me a cuddle saying sorry. But she isn't great at talking about her emotions and I only ever get snippets here and there about what is making her so upset and angry. She started hitting herself when she's annoyed as well and it kills me because when I try to stop her it makes it worse.

I tried speaking to my ex about it for him to take the approach of 'well she's always good as gold with me' or 'she says you shout at her all the time and she doesn't have fun with you' which broke my heart. He literally does no parenting at all and it's more like he's interested in being her friend rather than her dad. She comes home constantly being sick and with upset stomachs because he will let her eat as much as she wants when she wants and when I say to him about it he tells me I'm overreacting and I don't have a say in how he parents on his time. I have worked so hard to encourage a relationship with him and the girls as I am a strong believer that kids deserve to have both their parents regardless of us no longer being together. But I feel like it's almost backfiring and I'm worried about what he's saying to her. He's a massive EA and control freak so I wouldn't put anything past him.

I just don't know what to do and i feel really lost to be honest. I don't know if all the changes have been too much for her or am I looking into it too much, is it a normal phase? How do I handle it best if she does it again? Is there a different contact arrangement that people have found more beneficial to the kids?

Any help would be greatly appreciated so thanks if you made it this far

My son doesn’t see his Dad now . However at that age his behaviour would detiorate on return.
I found I needed to have a settling back in process whether you go straight to the park , put a favourite film on. Keep the important boundaries, it is reassuring but reduce normal demands . It seems a lot for a few hours . My Ds only used to see his Dad for 2 hours a fortnight. I had to almost write off the afternoon

I get this after changes. Takes DS about 5/6 months, I try not to change it but I'm in court every few months :(

No advice other than support her. Keep your routines the same. Let her know that hitting isn't nice however you discipline that.
Is ex showering her with gifts/money then you are the one with boundaries/routines? Sounds like it.

This is me, constant battle. I'm still battling so no advice on how to stop it, hopefully authorities picking up on it now but I've been in court 10 years telling them! Sorry it's not helpful...realistic of men like this. Hopefully your ex will grow up quicker than mine and put DD first and co parent as it sounds like your trying your best to sort it

@Starlight2345 thank you, I think I will try doing something like that with her when she returns. We do stuff pretty much every day and I work my butt off to make sure she isn't bored etc but he seems to be making a competition.

@justdontknow45 thank you so much and I'm so sorry for what you are going through as well. You have hit the nail on the head - he's doing the fun days out, junk food, presents etc. I can't compete financially due to the mess he's left but I try to do as many free/cheap days out as I can. I didn't realise it had to be a competition though. I don't think they realise how damaging it can be for the kids involved. Or worse even care. Have you found any particular visitation arrangement helps? My DD really needs routine and it throws her out of sorts if she isn't able to stick to it. She's possibly on the spectrum of autism (she attends speech and language therapy as well) so I don't know if should be consulting my health visitor or GP. It's hard to know what to do, it's the first time I've really felt the strain of being a lone parent and not having someone else to bounce off

Always here if you want a chat. I found since authorities stopped over night it got better, so if he is EA her then I would stay clear of that. It's hard because if you don't promote contact if it ever went to court your the bad one!

Damage limitation I'm afraid. Just keep your boundaries clear and routines in place.
EA is so wrong. Remember your her safe place if she's confused. So you will get it. Charity in my town runs children's counselling that includes you to make communications stronger between you ( probably a worry bag type of counselling at your DD age ) . I would definitely see your GP and ask for the local HV If they know of anywhere as CAMHS waiting list to long. Plus DA type charities cover EA better in children. Even try local DV charities. Is there any DA in your past ? Or just being a dick because you split up ?

I say to my DCs, that mum is the boring one, she makes you go to school, she makes you read your books and do your homework, she makes you do your chores and help you learn about growing up and dad is the one you can have fun and let your hair down with but never to forget mum gives the best night time cuddle! This worked for me because they see clear roles now. Mum is the practical one and dad can lavish them with all the money in world but that prepares them for nothing. Mine are pre teens but done this for 10 years. One DD doesn't even go because shes fed of his dad throwing money at her when she would much rather help her with a maths equation and spent time with her .. not money, others are going that way too. Just remember they will remember who was there for them and gave them stability not money

If he looses interest again let him walk! Wish mine would ! Trust me EA are hard work, he pushed the GF on them already. Says it all. Not about your DDs it's about him. You can hold your head and say you tried to your DDs, and if he wants to walk back in - in 6 years time he can take you to court and prove himself and gets to explain to a judge why he's an idiot !

@justdontknow45 thank you so much. I'm really glad you said that about the overnights, I think I'll steer clear of mentioning it again. And thank you for what you said about me being her constant. I hadn't thought of that.

There was never any DV no, just threats of it. For example saying how he had to hold himself back from punching my face in. He was extremely controlling, manipulative and the extent of the emotional abuse only became apparent after he left. The better the girls and I do without his input or presence, the worse he becomes even though I've continuously asked for us to be a team for the girls. It's like he's punishing me even though it's him that had an affair and left.

I think I'll phone my health visitor tomorrow and look into the charities you mentioned. Thank you again

@justdontknow45 you are an absolute trooper for dealing with this for so long. I'm struggling after only 6 months. It seems like you handle it amazingly well though, you should be so proud. I agree, I'm going to speak to her more about the routine side of things and try give her more credit in terms of what she's picking up on.

Prove to him you can do it alone. I tried to co parent. Doesn't work on EA men. Gives them a power trip. Tell DD to have a good time with Daddy, my CAMHS nurse said ten minutes before bed have a worry time, so let her get off her chest what she wants, but mention it to speech therapy as trauma has an effect on communication.

I do advise telling professionals. Let them guide you they will get to know you as a family and get better advice on helping her speak as she grows. My biggest advise is get school on board if it's still applicable come reception, My DS spoke to pastoral as he didn't want to worry me. Luckily I have great relationship with School and they knew and made sure they made time for him when he did want to talk.

Power trip is exactly what he is on. His need for mind games is exhausting.

I think you right with involving professionals. I want us both to have any help and support we can. She's went through far too much in a short space of time. I'm going to speak to her nursery as well then and see if they can assist in anyway.

Were there any particular forms of discipline you found to be more effective when they struggled as a result of changes? I've tried reward chart and time outs mainly in the last couple of weeks but they haven't been that effective

I wouldn't know at that age. Can you do a thinking chair ? Where she can sit and review her behaviour. Maybe like a book corner, where you could get some books or make your own folders on behaviour use printable/cue cards on how she's feeling to express it other than hitting/lashing out. I used a Ikea kiddy chair, that they only sat on rather than a step or something they use everyday. Open communication with you, If she's possibly ASD I would get advice as she could be processing what she shes sees /hears differently. Your nursery H/V could help you.
Now I'm into banning electronics on the DS. I've still a non electrical corner ( as I'm no plug sockets to charge anything ) and a tub chair and desk so he can draw to calm down. It's less punishment but adjustment. The behaviour stops when he's got his frustration out. Communicating with me why even if it's I don't want to talk right now but I promise to tell somebody ( I then Ring school and they schedule a 5 minute catch up with pastoral, we keep offering support until he wants to talk )

This could all be wrong but I'm just throwing ideas around but the calm corner works for me.

I do punish him if he's just crabby with his siblings but if it's his dad ( normally night of the contact ) it's more you understand they are trying to tell you something.

Example of my youngest two is one is very introvert. Sits and cries so you know he's upset, youngest can trash my house, real anger issues. I've tried punishing him as in early beds, loss of belongings etc etc, but as soon as I did the calm reflection corner I call it, His behaviour has done a U turn. Just somewhere he can sit and think, write/draw I have a cinema light box and pictures just brings him back to my house if you get me,he draws me a picture or I'm sorry card. He started by making paper airplanes and throwing them at me with messages on, then went to normal notes now after he's calmed himself down, he re arranges the house ( dining chairs go, cushions etc ) he comes and we talk. Took years but I've tried all sorts and this works for us. Maybe for her age traffic lights red for angry , amber for upset, green she feels better now. so she can show you rather than talk straight away. You can get a sense of her emotions on why at least to start a conversation. Hitting herself is frustration, if she can get it out effectively that will hopefully stop.

Sorry if this is no help. But I'm just going on what I've tried and tested. I find it hard to cope, bless shes 3. I can't imagine.

My ex absolutely slated me to my kids! That's when my problems started. They felt conflicted as they didn't want to tell me. This is why I mention a support person that's not you as a back up. They tell me everything now, we build the trust up I cry when they are asleep, never show anger or tears in front of them as that's what they were scared of me being upset. Taken years but we are getting there. I'm in court again soon and it will change and I'll have all the behaviour problems again!

Thank you so much. You seem to have really tried and tested a lot, well done.

Yeah I'm finding it difficult because she is only 3 and there's so much she doesn't understand. When he first left, he took it upon himself to show her pictures of his new gf and put her as the background of his phone. Ever since, I've had 3 occasions of her waking during the night screaming and crying asking to see her picture on my phone. She was always the background on both and hasn't been his since he left. I've even asked him to change it when he sees her just to even give her some reassurance that she's not been replaced but it falls on deaf ears.

I'm going to phone her HV today and will definitely look at maybe having a time out corner instead to see if it encourages her to calm down and communicate more.

Thank you so much again

Virgo88 - I have been through something similar however my son was 4.5 when my ex left for another woman and I was 7 months pregnant!
My ex disappeared, my son started school and I had a baby. All huge things in a 4 year olds life.
Things have got easier but my eldest now 7 comes home from his dad’s with attitude which I hear is very common. I cut him some slack and let him realise who he’s talking too etc.
My youngest who’s now 2 never wants to go to see his dad. It’s awful but sadly a product of what his dad did.

@Whoknows11 thank you, sorry to hear you have went through something similar. That must have been such an overwhelming time for your eldest. Was there anything you found in particular that helped when your eldest returned? Do you mind me asking how often they see their Dad?

They see their dad every other weekend but for only 1 night and 1 day in the week after school for tea.
So basically when they return I just act as is obviously I’m very happy to see them and have them home but carry on with what I was doing. I try and give them space to adjust but at the same time let them know I’m pleased they’re home. It’s actricky one.