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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How would you manage this?

16 replies

Finsbury · 07/04/2018 21:23

I've been divorced 6 years and myself and ex h have 50/50 shared care of our son age 12. Court ordered - ex wanted him full time, but court said 50/50. Anyway ... ex h bought son mobile phone last year. Lots of tech at ex's house, son glued to computer games/phones a lot of the time. So when he is with me, quite often I take phone off him and we do other things. Ex h (who is very overbearing) likes him to carry phone at all times, he says, in case he needs to contact him. Today we went swimming and I said leave the phone at home, which he did. Ex h then worked out son did not have phone on him, and says as "a punishment" to me, he is now going to keep son at his house for an extra night next week. I just don't know how to react to this. It feels bullying, domineering, horrible. Son is not really bothered about any of it - but it feels so wrong to me. What would you do? And thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Firgoodnesssake · 07/04/2018 21:28

Say no and remind him of the gems of the court order (did it specify how many nights?)

Be factual, keep ur communication with him short and sweet but don’t let him intimidate you.

Your son couldn’t have used his phone N the pool anyway for goodness sake! He sounds like a controlling twat

Original poster

Finsbury · 07/04/2018 21:50

He knows I disagree, but will just turn up at the place where our son will be (a friend's house) and take him. I will be at work, so he'll get there earlier in the day. The court order is very specific about days and times, but ex h disregards when it suits him and says as son is 12 he can choose for himself. And I should take him back to court if I want to challenge him ... not prepared to do that as last time it was emotionally and financially draining. Suppose I feel quite powerless though, which is the difficult thing to cope with.

OP posts:

SarBear34 · 07/04/2018 21:54

Tell the friends mum not to open the door ? Or can he go somewhere else so your ex turns up at the wrong place.

Tell him to go fuck himself the controlling prick!

Isadora2007 · 07/04/2018 21:55

Honestly? If your son isn’t worried about it and you’re working anyway just say “okay”.
A power struggle is hard to have when someone else won’t play tug of war, so just stop engaging with him.
At 12 I’d let my son have his phone as and when and keep it in the locker when swimming. It sounds like you are kind of similarly tying to point score by saying he uses tech and his dads so you don’t let him at home as much. Just stop.
Don’t concern yourself with what goes on at his dads as long as he is happy- which he sounds like he is to be fair. And then your ex will get fed up of no reaction. And stop his stupid games.

SarBear34 · 07/04/2018 21:55

And at 12 your son should know it’s not his dads day so should just say that I’m with mum tonight.

Scrumptiousbears · 07/04/2018 21:58

So do you think he has a tracking facility on the phone which is how he knows the phone was left at home?

SarBear34 · 07/04/2018 21:58

Isadora2007 - they went swimming, there really is no need for a 12 yr old to take his phone to the pool and keep it in a locker when he can’t use it for 90% of the time there out.

Why should she let her ex control her because it’s easier.

MMcanny · 07/04/2018 21:59

Honestly? I’d have friends over for a dinner party and post lots of pictures of you having jolly japes. I bet he won’t try it again when he sees it doesn’t bother you! And also you’re in if he brings him home so can’t turn around and claim you didn’t want DS there.

Original poster

Finsbury · 07/04/2018 22:02

Thank you Isadora - you talk sense. I don't think I'm point scoring - I think I've got different values to dad - and want to see him interacting with people rather than staring at his phone the whole time. But you're right about it being pointless to fight.
SarBear - son is very dominated by Dad so will go along with what ever he says. I suppose I just have to live with it.

OP posts:

Vangoghsear · 07/04/2018 22:04

Your poor son caught in the middle of warring parents with different values........

Original poster

Finsbury · 07/04/2018 22:05

Scrumptious, yes I expect he has a tracking thing on the phone. But he also spoke to son after the swimming and asked him if he had had his phone with him as he'd rung him and no answer - then it became clear that I'd made him leave the phone at home. Ridiculous, the whole thing

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AnneElliott · 07/04/2018 22:07

Can you arrange for the friend and your DS not to be at home? Ridiculous that he seeks to punish you like that.

Original poster

Finsbury · 07/04/2018 22:13

AnneElliott, I don't really want to involve the friend in my ex's horrible games. He would just contact friend's Mum who is looking after them that day, anyway, and say where is my son - I'm coming to collect him. He's totally domineering and vindictive.

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westernchampion · 08/04/2018 19:40

It never ceases to amaze me how petty and immature some men are. When my kids were younger I didn't really want to see my ex but I used to pick and drop the kids off most weekends and made an effort to be civil with their mum and they noticed too. Wishing you all the best.

Starlight2345 · 08/04/2018 19:59

At 12 yes courts would listen to your Ds .

I agree you won’t get far challenge so yes say to Ds have a lovely time I can go and catch up with .... been meaning to for ages. There is no point him doing it if it doesn’t upset you .

Original poster

Finsbury · 08/04/2018 23:12

Thanks all. I hate the game playing, the constant point scoring. Not reacting is my best bet, I think.

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