I want to cry

[Whatififall]

Just that really....

Lone parent to DD 8. We’re really struggling at the moment. She has lots of anxiety & anger issues, she’s on a waiting list for CAMHS. I’ve been to a parenting drop in this as I don’t know how to handle her behaviour or how to help her. They were very helpful and given me some techniques and ive another meeting next week.

However, today DD and I have had another fight (over tidying her toys, I had said I would help but I was washing up and she wouldn’t start without me but we were in a rush) and I ended up yelling at her that I’d had enough of her and she was going to have to stay at her Dad’s next week.

Apart from this being an empty threat, it’s not an option. She sees her Dad once a fortnight for 3/4 hours. He lives far way from us and isn’t interested in seeing her more. Due to events in the past she doesn’t want see him more often than that. Her anxiety and anger problems mostly stem from him flirting in and out of her life. He has had mental issues and has felt unable to look after her when he was depressed. She has also seen him in various stages of crisis so she feels unsafe around him. He used to live closer to us but last summer had another breakdown and had to return to live with his parents. He was seeing DD regular at that point but just left without telling her and then didn’t see her from June to November.

And I just feel guilty that I said that and that I’m ruining her self-esteem and I don’t know how to get back to our usual happy loving relationship.

This was longer than I thought it would be.

You are doing all you can, and doing brilliantly. You have a lot to deal with, and have to be both parents at the same time - it’s tough, so no need to be tough on yourself.

I get totally what you are saying, and it’s so easy to find sticks to beat yourself over the head with but, seriously, you can only do what you can do.

Build her up - the normal living, caring relationship doesn’t end on one reactive comment and you both know that - so build her up and see this as a bump in a long road rather than the norm.

All will be well kf you be mindful of “reactance” and focus on the big picture.

But your daughter a punchbag to help release her anger..it may work it may not but anger is best let out than kept inside. Every time she feels angry tell her to go give the punchbag a few rounds.

Buy*

I have Ds under CAMHS .

Your threat was not a good one which you already know . Hopefully you have apologised and explained why . Threats never help children with anxiety , in my experience neither does shouting .
Tidying bedroom can be overwhelming . Maybe next time . Can you just see if there is any washing ? Can you just make your bed, one small instruction at a time.

I also get sometimes things are a rush however rushing a child with anxiety rarely helps in fact more likely to take longer.

I also get the lack of fun . I make sure we play games at home stuff that he enjoys other wise all we are doing is giving orders.

I also try to teach how to manage emotions . He has done some kids mindfulness on you tube . Has relaxation music , lots of sensory toys ,counting to 10 and breathing.

We talk about how he could of done things differently after he is completely calm as managing emotions is something all children have to learn .

Some of this may be helpful some not but thought it was worth sharing