There's no one else like me

[Mumhomealone]

In the media and on MN it feels like there are loads of lone parents, but I don't know any of them.

I'm feeling sad at the moment, as DS has been away with ex the last few days, but I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

DS is in year 2 but surprisingly out of all the parents of children in his class, apart from a couple who separated recently, I am the only one who's single. Every other child has their parents still together. There's also only one other only child in his class. I would have liked to have had more than one if the circumstances had been different. It makes me feel like a failure.

I had to leave DS's father when DS was only a baby as he was abusive, and I moved to a different part of the country and away from my home, old friends, and new friends I had met in antenatal and baby groups. Because I've worked full time since I haven't really made many other friends where I live now.

I have friends from work, and good friends from school and university in other parts of the country, but despite the fact we're all now in our forties they are also all married, with multiple children or childless by choice.

I'm friendly with some of the mums from DS's school but when we go out they talk about their husbands or how their children are fighting with each other etc and I find I have nothing in common with them and feel a bit of an outcast even though I'm sure they don't want me to feel that way. I also have the issue of the abusive background with my ex to skirt around or basically not mention at all to avoid making them feel uncomfortable.

In six years I've never met another single mother with only one child to share my feelings with. Anyone out there who fits that description?

Anyone?

Final bump

hi op. didnt want to leave you unanswered. i am a single parent to two kids but can definitely relate to being the only single mum in the playground. i do find it frustrating when people are talking about husbands etc and you cant really relate. also know about people getting all awkward when you say you were in an abusive relationship. it is hard. whereabouts are you?

Hi op I'm not in your situation now but was for many years. And wanted to bump again for you. I can totally relate when you mention your background things get awkward. I have 2 children by birth (also have 2 by adoption) that have no contact with their father, the reasons why alway seem to kill the conversation dead.
I get it's a tough place to be.
Whereabouts roughly are you?

Hi, sorry you're feeling like this. I'm a lone parent too, although I have 2 kids, mine are late teens now, but I've been single since they were 4 and 2 (I've had a couple of relationships, but nothing serious). My ex was abusive too.

It is really tough to start with, especially when the kids are younger, as everyone seems to always be doing family stuff. I found this changed as they got older (actually, quite a number of the kids parents friends have now separated too). And many of my friends say they secretly envy my single status, having the freedom to do what I want, when I want and not having to put up with an annoying bloke!

I would try not to get too hung up on being a single Mum, with one child, who had an abusive ex. The way you describe yourself makes it sound like you don't really value yourself. Try changing the way you think about yourself - you're a smart, sassy, independent woman with a great career and a fantastic son. If you start believing this, other people will too

Do you work in the public sector now OP? If not, you could be in for a shock about how slowly everything moves I moved to a public sector role from the private sector in January, I feel like I've gone back in time!

Whoops, sorry!! Wrong thread!

I hear you. Single parent since the birth of my son 5 years ago. Ex husband also abusive and never seen our son, so I never get a break. Have met a couple of single mums in the playground but they both have siblings and other parental involvement. Can't help but feel isolated sometimes and worried that may isolate my son (who is always asking if he can have a brother!).

Thanks for the responses.

I think I'm having a bad day missing DS as reading my post back I see I don't sound positive and I'm not normally quite so bad. I enjoy being single and DS and I get out and have lots of fun when he's here.

I don't need a big friendship group as I'm happy in my own company but around other mums I do have to pretend to fit in. Someone once surprised me by assuming DS was the result of a fling rather than a long term relationship that I was forced to leave for his sake, and I suppose that has played on my mind.

I did also once open up to someone about what happened with my ex but then found out they had been gossiping behind my back.

Hi single mum of one with an EA exH.

All of my friends are in relationships, but I don't feel that makes me the odd one out. When they talk about their OHs it makes me glad to be single! But I definitely don't feel excluded.

Similarly when they talk about their DC whether they have 1 or 5 I don't feel as tho I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

Is it possible that you may feel there is a stigma attached to being a single parent and you're projecting your feelings onto them and how they see you.

Also do you feel upset that you didn't have another child so are excluding yourself.

Hi OP I am in completely the same boat as you so can completely relate. I'm single Mum to one boy who is also in year 2. I also don't have any single Mum friends and find friendships difficult as like you I feel like I don't have anything in common with the childless friends or the ones who do have children but are in relationships. I do all sorts with my son but do feel an outcast as I'm always the only single parent there!! Just had a haven holiday which was great but couldn't help feeling lonely!! At work I'm also different to everyone else too because I'm a manager and am quite young for a manager in my job so the other managers are all over 10 years older and have either grown up kids or no kids so I don't have anything in common with them either.
My ex was also abusive to me too. We didn't split up for that reason but should have done!! Xx

Hi OP

I am in a similar situation - although just happened recently. Have 2 DCs, one in Yr 1 so different there but otherwise pretty similar. One other single parent in the class, all my friends bar one married. 40s, work full time so not many friends round here ( although do socialise when are work and have uni friends elsewhere). Weekends I’m finding a bit hard as friends understandably are with family.

I agree though it does seem like there are more single parents on mn. Maybe they are all in the same situation and posting here

I'm in the same situation I moved away, not very far but far enough 2 years ago and am on my own, I have a good job and work hard, we do lots if activities and groups but I just haven't made any real connections at the groups I go to. Everyone knows each other historically and I'm a outsider . Not saying people are rude as they are not but when they ask me and I say I'm single I just don't get invited.

I only have one little boy, and he's smashing and would have really liked to be more involved in the community but it's just not naturally fallen like that,

I understand the loneliness when they are away. Where are the other single parents !
I tried to look for a gingerbread group but we don't have one locally actually considering starting one maybe you could look into it too.. whilst my life is actually really great I would just like a few more people to interact with who understand the situation a bit more

I sound really miserable but I'm not Day to day we have amazing adventures and just grasp life, I actually feel really positive about the life I have but a mini support network would be a bonus

I joined a spiritual group (Buddhist) when ds was 4. Barely anybody there is a single parent but I do find it very edifying. Ds is now 13 and I still go to that. At least it is a form of community.

Everybody has something to cope with and it isn't only single parents who have things on their mind. Friends need common ground. They are still a type of friend. One day ds will have flown the next and at least I will still have the group. I also try to work on enjoying hobbies at home in between domestic tasks and work, when there is time. I find me time uplifting.

I hope this helps. I know how you feel although most of the time I don't need people to understand single parent as life is an attitude of mind. It is only when I am extra fed up I crave some understanding.