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Original poster

My partner doesn't want our baby

16 replies

kirsty101 · 05/04/2018 16:44

Hello, this is the first time I’ve written on a thread before and I’m doing so through tears.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we are both in our last 30s and have been divorced in the past and we were very happy with each other. When I met him I told him straight away I wanted to have children and he said he did too – although I was the one who more excited and eager. We decided to wait until last December when I came off the pill and started trying. We got pregnant straight away in Jan, which surprized us both, at the same time as we had an offer accepted on a flat we were buying together.

Tragically I lost the baby at 5 weeks and was utterly devastated and heartbroken at the time- the day I started bleeding my partner told me this made him realise how much he wanted a baby. Although we held off from trying, after my first period, we didn’t use any contraception.

In the middle of March I returned from an emotional weekend trip to see my terminally ill auntie – and my boyfriend stated we should wait to try again until after we had moved into the flat. This made me very angry and upset and started a horrendous discussion where he stated he had changed his mind and confessed no longer wanted kids. I was so upset and I suggested we break up. He said the pressure of children, mortgage, and him having a low paying job was too much for him. He doesn’t want to change his life style.

Two weeks ago I did a pregnancy text and realised I was 3 weeks pregnant (I’m now 5 weeks) – I told my partner and he hit the roof - stating he does not want this baby and this is worst thing in the world and this has ruined his life. He says he still loves me but he doesn’t know if he can be can be with if I the baby. I fell pregnant before he’d even told me he’d changed his mind.

I don’t know what to do – my family and friends are livid and hurt – initially they though he was just freaking out…. But now I’m not so sure. Even last night he said nothing has changed and he doesn’t want this baby.

I am terrified that I am going to miscarry again and I so want to have this baby – but I have no idea what I am going to do. Please advise…

Thanks K

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 05/04/2018 16:50

It's your body and your baby. Do you want to go it alone? I can't advise from experience but if he hasn't changed his mind and doesn't want kids and you do I can't see how you can stay together as you can't really compromise and waiting for him to change his mind is not a healthy way to live in a relationship.

MimpiDreams · 05/04/2018 16:52

What are you going to do? You're going to take care of yourself and have your baby. If your boyfriend doesn't get on board then kick him to the kerb. I mean really, what sort of man changes his mind about wanting a child after he's impregnated his partner? What a twat.

Congratulations on you pregnancy. Forget about him and his feelings and focus on you and yours.

BrownTurkey · 05/04/2018 16:58

Yes, I think you need to move out and get some distance. You can’t do anything else here. If he gets his head around it he can come and try to rebuild your trust. While you have some space you can look after you and think about what is right for you. Take good care.

Starlight2345 · 05/04/2018 19:33

my advice if you want this baby then plan how you can bring him/ her on your own..

He is not supportive at the moment. I would give him a wide birth ..Cut contact for now.

For me the comment about he doesn't know if he can be with you if you have the baby is about control... I would say you are over already... He hasn't been there for you.

Butterymuffin · 05/04/2018 19:42

Have the baby. You want it.

I've read somewhere that when a couple disagrees over whether or not to continue with a pregnancy, the likelihood of them splitting is very high regardless of what decision is made about the pregnancy. So if that's the case, you are better off sticking with the baby too.

FickleHuman · 05/04/2018 19:43

Leave him, do it alone. You'll thank yourself in years to come!

ReversingSnail · 05/04/2018 19:46

Tell him you're having the baby with or without him.

LastDrWho · 05/04/2018 19:56

When my OH and I found out we were expecting dd I was on the pill and very unexpected, only a year into our relationship. He said he would chose a termination, I told him that I didn't want that and that I would be having the baby and if he didn't want he didn't have to have anything to do with us at all. He immediately said 'of course not.' Anyway, long story short - he recognises that he completely freaked out and he's genuinely the perfect daddy. We're expecting number 2 later on this year.
Tbh I would have absolutely done it alone without him and he would have completely missed out. Do what is right for you and he can either man up and get involved or can miss out on one of the most special things.

Waterlemon · 05/04/2018 20:35

I think it’s a knee-jerk reaction to suddenly having so much responsibility and life events happening at once.
The mortgage, the baby, big changes to lifestyle, worry about providing and covering the costs on a low wage.

Give him space, concentrate on you and your baby, leave him to it for now. He will either calm down and step up to fatherhood, or not. Only time can tell.

Viviennemary · 05/04/2018 20:43

I agree you must go alone if necessary with this as from what you say it is a very much wanted baby by you. If he doesn't want it then that's his business. But he will have to pay maintenance. Hopefully, this is just him panicking with the stress of it all and it will be fine. Because it does sound as if he was unsure he did want children and he is worried about moving house, mortgages and his low pay which are really very reasonable things to worry about.

NeonMist · 05/04/2018 22:09

I can really empathise with you, it's a scary and surreal situation to be in. My daughter's father also freaked out when I became pregnant (despite having told me how much he wanted to have children with me weeks before), and we split up. When the reality and responsibility of a situation becomes clear, some men back out, which is utterly spineless..

Your partner might 'come to his senses' and decide to support you eventually, but the question is whether you will get over his spinelessness? I didn't, and although I was mortified at the time, I am in retrospect glad that we broke up as he showed me characteristics I don't want in a partner.

It can be lonely to go through a pregnancy on your own, and I would suggest a referral to see a counsellor via your midwife.
My life felt surreal for a long time, during pregnancy and after I've had my baby, but my experience once I'd had her is that I just got into doing-mode - and it's possible to cope.
It's usually more stressful financially to do it alone (depending on your income), but I also feel that that pressure can serve as an incentive to find solutions and seek better opportunities career-wise.
I feel your pain, but You can do this!

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 05/04/2018 22:18

Have the baby and do it with support from your family and friends, it really can be done.

I recently went away for a family break and whilst my DD was playing I smiled hearing a very new born baby crying. It sounded hungry to me and I fondly remembered that sound.

He was visibly stressed out but said “fuck sake, just get it indoors, I told you I didn’t want a fucking baby, fuck sake, I fucking hate both of you”

I understand we all have tough times but it felt brutal and she looked so vulnerable and I felt for her and the baby, more her, poor lass Sad

BlackeyedSusan · 05/04/2018 22:44

keep the baby, you want a baby a lot and it might be one of your last chances, ditch the boyfriend.

you can do it. honestly one baby, even a difficult one is possible to manage on your own. (ex was fecking useless, worse than useless, made things harder)(and oh boy dd was difficult, and could never ever be left safely with her father)

NorthernSpirit · 06/04/2018 08:43

You need to do what’s right for you and don’t bank on him being around.

He told you how he was feeling in March when he told you you should wait and he has changed his mind. It was you that suggested you break up. I’m not defending him, but it sounds like he has changed his mind. Some people don’t manage change well.

Do you need to think about you, and what’s tight for you.

RoderickRules · 06/04/2018 08:50

The time for him making decisions about if you have a baby or not have passed, the last decision he gets to make is if he wears a condom.

As others have said, you want the baby, you have it

Tell him he’s either in or out, if he’s out ask him to leave.

I bought two children up on my own, it can be done.

westernchampion · 07/04/2018 16:21

My heart goes out to you even though I don't know you. I cannot understand why men do that and I am one but it makes no sense to me. He doesn't sound like a man though.
Take care

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