Stressful situation

[octobersunshine]

I need advice on how to approach the situation with my ex.

Over the past few weeks, he's become increasingly difficult since I said overnights can start when ex sorts a bedroom out for DS. Ex doesn't want to sort a bedroom out because he's temporarily renting a house his girlfriend bought with the purpose of doing up. The spare bedrooms have no carpets or plaster and are currently out of bounds. I suggested then that he waits until he buys his own place, which should be a couple of months, and can provide a proper bedroom and cot for DS.

Since then, he's taken to sending me multiple texts a day, in a contrived and formal language about plans which he knows the answer to anyway. When I don't respond within an hour, he sends texts saying 'it's unfortunate you have decided not to respond.' This morning when he picked DS up, he said he wanted him on Easter Monday and I said we had plans. He then said can you put it in writing that you're denying me access to my son.

It's all with the purpose of trying to build a case, although no doubt his case won't include when he ditches his son for a month long holiday in America or for nights out. But it's unsettling and upsetting and is really worrying me.

I'm sure he thinks that on paper it sounds all very factual and communicative, but we know he's doing it to try and unsettle me. I don't want to play his games, but I don't know how best to respond. Whether to text back, or to not, and how it would look if he is planning court. He's clearly being very strategic and calculating.

I told him this morning his messages were unsettling, and he said with a smirk on his face, 'I'm not sure why that would be, as I'm simply making plans for my son'.

It's really stressing me out. Any advice on how to deal would be appreciated.

I would get a regular contact agreement .
I would not let him know you are upset by anything he says , he will enjoy the power.
I would reply telling him you do not reply to emails until your son has settled down for the night as he is your priority. I would also ensure emails are very business like . Eg . As we both agreed as you didn’t have a safe space for child to sleep in you wanted to wait until you moved to new home in a couple of months before starting overnight, as we agreed contact on .... Dc is unavailable on ..... . Please let me know if you are collecting on .....
If he is playing games don’t bite it is what he wants

Thanks for this. He asked me this morning if he could have DS on Sunday. I told him we'd made plans as he'd not asked before. He told me with a smirk on his face 'can you put it in writing that you're denying me access to my son then'

It's so stressful that I've had to block him and ask him to go through my parents

I feel you, my ex was the same, ending messages with ‘regards’ always made me seeth for some reason!
I’d make a contact arrangement via a third party and stick to your guns regarding overnight access, if he takes you to court he will have to prove to cafcass that he has a suitable bedroom and has been consistent with access.
Keep all messages, especially ones where he tries to change plans.
It’s an awful situation but stay strong, worst case scenario he gets baby every fortnight for one night

Have it all in writing. Demands on short notice won't go against you if your the primary Carer and he's not on overnight access. Denying a month in advance would be questionable.

Agree you need a formal plan
Can you use a mediator, make the first move on formalising things take the control back.
You can prove you had DC best interest at heart if he doesn't have his own room ( age depending but sounds like he is of that age.)

Don't argue, get heated up, keep it formal, try not engage too much in person. Keep it all in writing.

Keep a diary of when he has him. When he asked you ( how far in advance ) and times you said no, also a diary of your plans so if it went to court you can produce it. Probably not need it but I find if I write everything down I can easily refer and looks more confident than flapping on remembering dates.

Hi. I went through something similar with my ex husband. What an arse he was!! You need to not show him ANY EMOTION. He will use this against you. You need to remain impartial (easier said than done). See it from the aspect of you son, that if his darling dad is going to let him down, he needs to see it. I got my kids ready every Saturday for a month as he promised to come an pick them up. 4 Saturdays I had them waiting at 10am with coats on ready to 'go out for the day'. Knowing full well he wouldn't come. Yes this seems cruel but it made my case with my kids stronger. I didn't turn my children against their dad, he did that all by himself. He would bad mouth me to them when he did see them and u had to deal with that when they got back, but you have to make your son available to him unless he is a danger!! That's what my solicitor told me. If he chose to let them down, u keep a diary. Don't call or text him, this will look like you have an issue. I would ask him that he make the home livable for him to stay in. In no way are u being unreasonable or saying no, just that you would prefer the accommodation to be safe. Never make ur about him or his gf. He will have you over a barrel (I leant that pretty early on). Always make it about what is best for your son and his wellbeing. Scream and shout about him and his gf behind closed doors but never in front of him. He will know that he is winning (auagn, personal experience). Unless you can pin him down for a date and time, I would message him asking when you he would like his son? Make him tell you, that way if he let's him down, HE has let him down, not making it look like you're being awkward.
Im sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching.... I just have been there done that and despise him for letting my kids down. But it's been 3 years and he's not contacted them once. His loss!! Stay Strong

Thanks for these posts. Really helpful.

My mum has been arranging access for our DS birthday later this month which falls midweek. I suggested we each have a full weekend either side of his birthday. Ex was insistent this wasn't appropriate. He eventually conceded he was going away the weekend following his birthday so wouldn't have him as arranged. He's said he'll have him another extra day instead.

I find it so frustrating that he demands he's equal and has parity. Parity would mean that if he's on a night out and knows he's responsible for his child the next day, he would make arrangements to leave early etc etc. It wouldn't just be doing what he wants and rescheduling. I turn down nights out all the time, as most parents do, but he seems to consider himself a glorified babysitter.

Half of me wants to say well you know you have DS on that day, and it's tough if you decide to forgo that for a night out. But then I'm scared in case it provokes him. I want to stand my ground given he makes such a point about being an equal and having equal rights, then he also have equal responsibility.