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Original poster

EA ex wants dc more starting next week

24 replies

Nikitasol · 28/03/2018 20:58

My EA ex wants our dc more (currently one night ow and eow). He emailed this eve to tell me that he's going to start this from next week.

There is no way i want him to go there more. He comes back every time a wreck and then either gets upset or is violent towards me.

I don't want to go to court as he's carefully covered his tracks and there's no real abuse to show up in court. Plus he's in a position of power and i am a broke single mum.

Equally I can't let him go more. What do i do? Really panicking about impact of this on my son.

OP posts:

Aprilmightmemynewname · 28/03/2018 20:59

How old is your ds? Have school got concerns about his behaviour? Have you spoken to hv?

Original poster

Nikitasol · 28/03/2018 21:01

He is 4 and still at nursery. We have weekly visit from hv due to behavioural stuff plus seeing DV charity. He's on the list for play therapy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nikitasol · 28/03/2018 21:01

Got a meeting with nursery tomo but its a new nursery so they havent seen the change in him to the greater extent

OP posts:

Original poster

Nikitasol · 02/04/2018 00:03

Anyone? How can I say no?!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2018 00:07

Say no and tell him to take you to court for more access?

Original poster

Nikitasol · 06/04/2018 09:37

This is the draft email I'm planning to send. Any thoughts?

Dc was very upset by the increased contact trialled earlier this year, and has consistently stated that he doesn't want contact increased. I know that you, like I, would put his wellbeing paramount above our own wishes & needs, & it is solely with this in mind that contact will remain as it is, and will not increase as you have suggested.

DC is benefitting from the current stability.

I'd suggest we set the next review date for September after he has started school.

OP posts:

Lastoftheusernames · 06/04/2018 09:48

I'm not clear on what contact he has or what he's asking for but he can't simply demand additional contact.

I would let him apply to court. He may end up with slightly more contact but it will be with a structured order which will reduce his ability to make demands. If it does go to court make sure the court order is detailed or he will exploit any loopholes.

In your email I wouldn't say DC doesn't want more contact as he's too young legally to have a viewpoint and you don't want it to sound like you've coached him. Make sure it is always about DC and not about you or your ex though.

NorthernSpirit · 06/04/2018 11:01

I wouldn’t send the email. It reads like you’ve coached a 4 year old - did a 4 year old really say ‘he doesn’t want contact increased’? Those aren’t the words of a 4 year old child. And ‘it’s soley in his mind that contact will remain as it is’. Your child didn’t say that, I think you are projecting and that’s what you want.

Contact is for the child, not the dad and not for you to dictate or control.

Look at it this way.... if you were the NRP and he dictated and controlled when you could see your own child how would you feel? If EOW and a night in the week enough for you or sound you want more time?

You should be promoting contact. If it goes to court it will breed resentment.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 06/04/2018 15:22

If there had been issue of dv let him take you to court full stop. Your ds should not grow up thinking his df is a reputable role model.

Quietlife1979 · 06/04/2018 15:24

You’ve got to back to court. Awful

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 06/04/2018 18:50

I think that you should let him take you to court or he could pressure you for more and more days until there are no more to be had.

Kent1982 · 06/04/2018 23:06

If you have to send a email don't do that one, I have similar situation, always think of it from what's best for baby perspective what gives them stability and best possible relationship... I have this sort of situation myself and it seems to work well.

It's about offering consistency, stability and a child who is confident and happy, maybe talk about the quality of time they spend together and having a consistent approach to parenting that really needs to be in place before things increase so any change won't be disruptive or unnecessary needing for dc.

Honestly I have these conversations constantly and it always boils down to him trying to do what gets to me not what's good for dc . Be strong put yourself in dc shoes and do the right thing, I am always really clear I want dc to have a good relationship with both of us I just want it to be done at a pace that suits dc and is not going to upset him.

My ex basically said I will take him off you I have more money I can pay the best solicitors and you can't. For a long time I was terrified but realistically he couldn't dedicate the time I do to dc so it never comes to anything .... hope it's helpful xxxx

Original poster

Nikitasol · 07/04/2018 15:19

Thank you @kent I'm bricking it tbh. Have to send something tomorrow and so so scared. It's all about what he wants and not what's best for Dc who is really suffering with all the horrible little comments he says to him 'mummy is going to leave you and not come back' etc.

It's horrible watching my bright little kid turn into a nervous clingy wreck. Makes me sob. I haven't been to court yet. Been trying to avoid it at all costs as I'm sure the fall out will be horrific. I'm a nervous wreck too.

OP posts:

Lastoftheusernames · 07/04/2018 17:21

OP I was scared of court and did all sorts to avoid it and wasted money on mediation where the agreements made meant nothing to him. When he took me to court he got no more contact than was already in place but I ended up with a legal document that he has to stick to and that tells him when and how he can contact me and it has helped.

Original poster

Nikitasol · 07/04/2018 17:48

Thanks @last I'm worried if it went to court he'd end up going to ex more . He's very powerful and charming and would throw everything at it to make a point rather than the impact on dc.

OP posts:

SarBear34 · 07/04/2018 22:09

Nikitasol - there is off course a possibility that if you went to court he would get more access.
Your hear loads of people’s story's about how the contact didn’t increase but there will also be lots were the dad gets a lot more.

There would be a chance he would get more contact, your son must be 4 or nearly 4 very soon if starting school in sept.
What happens if he goes and asks for 50/50 at court or 2-3 nights every week?

Kent1982 · 08/04/2018 09:38

Nicitasol. I totally get what your saying my ex on paper looks perfect loads of money flash house does charity work with orphans overseas in spare time.... I kid you not

But I know he's a drink driving Coke taking narcissist who has done despicable things, I do get concerned that he will push and push and take it to court like he has said he would and present such. Compelling story that they would give him 50/50 so I avoiding it. I think you just have to reiterate that he's a bit unsettled at the moment and for the time being it might be best to keep it as it is to give him some real consistancy, if you have some examples like disrupted sleeping or at moment I'm struggling with posts because I get everything sorted here he goes out with dad comes back in nappies again.. private message me and I will send you the conversations n how they go. I try really hard to not be confrontational to really try and explain why I think it's the best thing without sounding formal like he thinks I'm logging it..,

So far it's working reasonable. I'm not about keeping dis from his dad I just would prefer ds to have consistancy and the time they spend together to be enjoyable without overstretchung it and making dc less confident.

Original poster

Nikitasol · 08/04/2018 13:30

Thanks. That's all really helpful advice. Really nice to feel supported. I'll pm you @kent.

OP posts:

UserNr385 · 13/04/2018 21:45

You should let him see his child more often. How would you feel if you were only allowed to see your child EOW? It wouldn't be enough would it?

Original poster

Nikitasol · 14/04/2018 11:15

Have you actually read the posts above?

OP posts:

UserNr385 · 14/04/2018 20:00

Yes I read the posts. And?

Mummaof2x · 16/05/2018 22:20

UserNr has clearly never had to deal with the repercussions on a child of an emotionally abusive ex...

Bobby1233 · 17/05/2018 07:07

I really really don’t understand the crazy logic here. Dc can see his dad ow and eow despite dad being “emotionally abusive” and that’s ok. But no more than that because he is emotionally abusive???????? Either he is or he isn’t, in which case you should stop contact or agree to 50/50 shared care.
I wonder if your ex is on a forum somewhere saying the same about you?
I find it most strange that when the family were together there was no problem with dc having uncontrolled access to both parents, but all of a sudden one parent needs to restrict the other parent claiming “4 year old repeatedly states he doesn’t want contact increased”
You’ll of course want to hope that your child never says to your ex he wants less contact with you, how painful would it be to hear that!!! Heartbreaking!!!

MrsJonSno · 26/05/2018 22:35

I agree with Bobby- if he is EA to your son and you believe henis the cause of his instability, tantrums, violence etc then why is he going there alternate weekends and one day a week. If he is the cause of that then you need to stop contact and take the matter to Court yourself. You can’t very well stand in Court and say you won’t agree to more contact because he’s EA and the cause of your son’s problems when he already has a fair amount of contact not via a court order. It doesn’t hold up your argument.

You say he’s recently moved Nursery- could that have affected his mood and stability?

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