What do I do now? Ds told me "f&&ok off you c88t"

[greenberet]

I have come over here from relationships - I have been posting on and off re the continual fallout of my divorce from a person I believe to be a grade A narc who seems hellbent on destroying my life and by default that of our kids.

I am documenting events as they happen as some form of record as to how I am effected when I have been told by many that I should be over this that I have a victim mentality and that my kids behaviour is a product of my own doing. Hence the reason I am not posting in relationships - there are a few posters who i feel have hounded me out of that board.

I am not looking for sympathy - I am in a very vulnerable place - I have to get this out of my head otherwise it consumes me - i have a whole library of books on narcs, I have read the Lundy book - last night I came across the SIPP info from cafcass which I have read. If I have done my kids harm in any way when all I have tried to do is the best for them then I will get my karma this I also believe ( I am blubbing now) I have been angry I am still angry by the way I have been treated not only by the x but by my legal team who I feel let me down severely and took advantage of my Mental health.

The outcome of my divorce was nowhere near what I was led to believe would be achieved even below the worst offer made to me by x as I was persuaded to keep going under the guise that I would get joint lives spousal. My back history is on here if anyone is interested.

I have come on here today triggered by my Ds telling me to "fuck off you cunt" the kids have been with their DF last week or so I thought - there is a communication issue that I have been trying to address for months.

The x does not communicate with me at all unless he is looking to achieve something - over contact, over school issues over finances, the kids are soon to be 17 but they have both had difficulties as a result of divorce especially my Ds - again all on here!

I happened to FaceTime Dd whilst I was away - a spur of moment decision as normally we message. I asked to speak to Ds but was told he wasn't at DF,s he had come home. Last time I was away this had happened too - he had had an argument with x and had come home because x would not give him a lift to pick up something that he forgot. Ds has been in a vulnerable place - he has talked about suicide - learning this when I was miles away put me in panic as I had no idea what mood Ds was in - I had to phone the school to check he was in - school are also aware of his vulnerability as he had googled how to kill yourself and it had been picked up by their security checks.

So again I have no idea what is going on - Dd does not want to say anything or be involved I get nothing out of her - Ds is about to get in shower and doesn't want to talk either.

So until I get to speak to them face to face which was last night I am unable to find out what is going on or why.

All I had said to Ds was why did you stay here Thursday and I get the mouthful of abuse - this is not new - again I have documented on here the bad moods I have noticed when kids return from time with the x. I have asked the kids to let me know where they are to tell me their plans to let me know any changes - they think this is not necessary - they think there is something wrong with me for asking - this is all due to how the x behaves towards me - I know this he doesn't give a shit - and if he can ruin the relationship I have with kids he will be gloating I know all this.

But I can't continually take all the disrespect from the kids - I lost it - I told Ds he would lose his membership to a gym he wants - suddenly he is able to communicate with me - but it is a distorted version of what just took place to justify telling me to F off.

My Dd has taken to getting into bed with me when she returns from DF - something she used to do a lot as a child. I have been trying to find out what plans they have over easter I have been asking them what plans their DF has with them over Easter - he has taken to changing the agreed contact time recently without telling me - just telling the kids -and most times they "forget" to tell me. I am not bothered if he sees them to be honest it would have been better if he didn't as no more mind games but no he likes to use them to get at me. The kids don't get this - they are sick to the back teeth of all the shite and the animosity between us - I get this - I fucking get this - I want nothing more than to be able to get on with my own life but I cannot ditch the responsibility I have for the kids despite how it impacts on me. Them forgetting to tell me what's happening impacts on me and sometimes then defaults on them because I am not able to pick them up, drop them here or do other things they want to me to.

All this continually drains me and has affected my mental health.

Just as I am reeling from this I get an email from the school -Ds is not doing as well as expected and is being put on a monitoring programme - this impacts on him being able to go into the 2nd year of a levels.

I am extremely concerned about this - I paid Ds fees for him to remain at the school as his DF claimed he could no longer afford too - this is bollocks - the Ds was extremely distraught the week before term started and I was concerned for his MH if he did not stay. I have paid for this out of my housing allocation.

We have recently been having talks about what happens after a levels. Both kids are aware that my financial situation is not as it should have been - I am renting the former home which was rent free but I am now having to pay market rates - I am trying to keep them as things were before the divorce - but it is a huge struggle especially as I have an ongoing battle with x over maintenance - he is now taking me to CMS tribunal as foes not agree with what CMS have told him he needs to pay. He has his own company so very easy for him to manipulate figures as he did throughout divorce process.

I have told kids I need this money to stay here -as it is if planning permission is granted on field behind we have to be out within 2 months. What happens if this happens who the fuck knows - I'm living on a wish or head buried in sand as I cannot deal with this.

I am having to move 200 miles away to be able to maximise my settlement and make it work for me - kids do not want to move to back of beyond - I am trying to find out how I can get them financial support at 18 as all my benefits will end at this point and I am not sure how I will be able to support myself and/ or them. I have posts on here asking about how they take their DF to court for maintenance - they have to do this before they reach 18 in just over a year!

I should not be having to do this - the x has now bought a house with Ow the company that they both work for must have recovered to enable this - as I said it would - x is also renting a house here so he has somewhere local for his contact time with kids - spending the rest of the time in Sheffield.

The kids are aware of all this -is any if this likely to be the reason why DS had gone off the boil at school - personally I bloody expect so - the kids have had no peace during the last four years just one blow after another.

I believe in telling them the truth- I do not believe you can "protect" kids - they pick up on the vibes regardless of what you say - they have seen me go from someone who was fairly calm and in control to someone who is angry, struggling to function most days - the house that was once pretty near to a showhome is a bloody mess with stuff all over the place - I am a mess more often than not - but I have done all this for them. I fear I have fucked up - I fear by telling them that their DF' s behaviour is not right - that it is emotionally and financially abusive that I have alienated them - I have done this because until my marriage broke down I did not know it was abusive - all the things I tolerated I know now are red flags - I was in a cafe at the weekend I heard a DF say to his Ds - your behaviour is not right - we don't know what to do with you anymore we may have to send you away - the boy maybe 8 - he was crying - it stopped me in my tracks because this was my X's attitude to Ds - the DF was talking loud enough for others to hear - he was humiliating his son - I wanted to say something but I couldn't - I should have said something to my X all those years ago but I didn't - I did not know then what I know now - that this boy's behaviour was a likely result of his own father's behaviour towards him - that it was the father's behaviour that was wrong not the child!

I don't know why I'm saying all this but it helps get it out my head - I am exhausted but no doubt I will have battles to face today! Thanks for reading if you got here

OP - you remind me of my OH’s EW. I don’t wasn’t the OW, he didn’t have an affair, he simply fell out of love with her. They were together 16 years, married for 10. They’ve now been divorced 5.5 years and she is still bitter, twisted and vitriolic. She’s unbelievable. Makes everyone’s life around her a misery (including her own children’s who for 2 years she used as pawns and weapons to get back at her EH).

After a while the ‘poor EW’ routine wears thin. Sorry to sound so harsh but she had my sympathy at first, but when you are on the receiving end of it it’s no fun. She’s also since accused her EH of being a bully - something that never came to mind when they were married.

I’ve come to realise that sometimes people stop want to being with you. And you won’t get an explanation or an answer why. Yes it’s shit, and yes we deserve more but it doesn’t come. After time you have to pull yourself together and move on. People don’t want to be around a bitter angry person. Shake yourself off, hold your head up high, get back your self respect and move on.

Good luck OP.

Thank you - helpnow1 - I do like shopping

Wow I can see why he had an affair.

Your kids need protecting and it isn't from him.

I have never lost my self respect - northern - oh yes I got told just fell out of love with me too - took 6 months before OW came to light during which time I let him back home because he was having a breakdown - now know this is when OW decided to go back to her DH

I hope for your sake that the bitter, vile EW as you call her is wrong about the bully thing - I do get that some people men or women behave badly as a result of being deeply hurt but some still have the ability to put their hurt aside and look at the bigger picture.

I did this originally - I'm used to the majority of people not believing me - but why some of them have to be so nasty - what is wrong with them - issues that have yet to smack them in the face and one day they will - we all get our comeuppance - but it will come when you have something to lose and a lesson to learn

Dermymc - thank you - Think I was just talking about you!

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" - said by Thumper the baby rabbit's mother in Bambi and a good lesson to learn!! Where is the kindness in some people?!

OP you feel that you have wasted decades of your life in this marriage.

My question is how many more years are you prepared to sacrifice making it centre of your life?

Where do you want to be in 5 years time? If you were still in the same situation would you be happy?

Spend some time getting clear on where you want to be before you start moving towards it.

I don’t normally post on relationship type threads but just wanted to say that OP I really feel for you. It’s unfair of posters to give you the ‘coming across as a crazy EW line’ (agree MN can sometimes be the opposite of supportive) I know a few women in your situation who are still bitter years down the line. Of course you would be. Not only have they been wronged (and yes they all acknowledge they probably made mistakes in their marriage too) but they are then left scrabbling round trying to make a living whilst ex lives the high life with the NW. Its very angering. Hiding assets is a common trick, happened to a good friend and she’s still bitter despite managing to get her own place and work. There’s no acknowledgement from the EH that if their wives hadn’t sacrificed all those years of working/career to care for their kids they wouldn’t have had the lives they have and the work/business opportunities. Of course that should be shared on separation, you should be paid for the work YOU have done for the family. It sounds like you have come to a point with him that nothing will change fast, and that financially the descisons have been made by courts? In which case I think the only option for you is to keep acknowledging your anger and hurt but slowly try to move on. Don’t involve your kids any more. Be the better parent, if your ex slates you they are old enough to realise. If you slate him they are just stuck between two parents that have issues with each other and this reflects badly on both of you. I do speak from some experience as my mother had to deal with an incredible injustice (not same situation but similar lines that it resulted in her losing everything) after my father died. It’s the sort of thing that would have destroyed many. She had to chose to live, not dwell over it every day and raise her 3 kids to the best of her ability. We all recognise what a brilliant job she did and although she was by no means perfect we all love her more than life and owe her deeply for not spiralling to that place that would have been so easy to go to at the time. I really hope you find some resolution.

Remain no I don't feel I wasted many years in my marriage - otherwise what would have been the point to it - in hindsight I would have done things differently we all would - I know where I want to be moving forward and slowly putting this together - however I am not going to give up trying to get my kids what is theirs until I have exhausted every opportunity to the best of my ability. I can accept x no longer feels the same for me but I do not accept how my kids lives have been harmed.

@Grandmaswagsbag - thank you for understanding where I am coming from - I hope my kids talk about me in the same way you talk about your mother - thank you for posting