Narcissist experts, please! How do I persuade a narcissist?

[NooNooMummy]

Here I am again! Desperate for a solution to my ex-P's continued, cruel refusal to comply with the frequency of contact stipulated in the court order (which was written v flexibly to allow him ad hoc contact around his work rotas). He sees DD one evening a month and refuses anything more cos he's too busy and 'has a life now.' (His words!!)

What do I need to say to him to persuade him to spend time with his daughter frequently and consistently? I know narcissists love to be praised. And me, pointing out his failure to comply, has got me nowhere so far. Court is useless cos they won't order anything specific that he says he can't commit to... I've tried!

V close to sending him an angry email telling him what an arsehole he is and that DD is better off without him. But I've got to give him one last chance...

Help?

You are never going to be able to make him do anything he doesn't want too. You can't win this one. Personally I'd back off and leave it up to him.

He will love the angry emails - don't send them. Be factual, professional and without emotion if you want to communicate with him.

...this has been going on for a year and a half and DD is 4 now. She no longer remembers a time when we lived with him but clearly feels rejected every month during the several weeks when she doesn't see or hear from him.

And he lives a 2 min walk away from us...

Thanks, handsuo

Just venting here, I think. But advice appreciated

Simple,
Tell him he cant see his daughter anymore, tell him like he's a kid who cant have his toy anymore because he wont behave.
You'll have to fight a little to make it believable and then get really angry each time he "wins"
sit back, glass of wine, problem solved.

Why would you want to?

I think she is probably better off with minimal contact.

What an arse (him not you). So many dads desperate to see their kids and he has the opportunity but plays games.

Don’t force him. All you can do is facilitate contact (I wouldn’t tell him he can’t see his daughter). Contact is for the benefit of the kids, not for his benefit. When your daughter is old enough she can make her own mind up.

Honestly? Back off completely, my ex is currently deliberately doing things to try and get a reaction out of me but I refuse to give him the satisfaction. Any anger/stress/frustration you show is fuel to him and pleases him as it lets him feel he has power over you.
Don't feed the negative energy, focus on creating a happy life for yourself and your daughter.
Him being in her life when he doesn't really want to isn't going to be any good for her anyway.

Don’t engage. Don’t argue or pander or give him two seconds of thought. It’s not all about him and as long as you’re thinking about him he’s winning.
Enjoy your life with your DD, make your lives as rich and fulfilling as you can and accept that once a month ish your DD will see him and eventually come to her own conclusions. She has a right to a relationship with him so facilitate that but do no more. Treat it like a trip to the dentist . It’s such a shame and you are 100% right that he’s being unfair and your DD deserves more but try to focus on what she does have- a bloody fantastic mum

Thanks guys!

I was just being facetious, under no circumstances should you force him. Surely its far more damaging for her to be with him when he doesnt want her, than to not be with him and not want her. If you know what I mean?
She should never be made to witness not being wanted.

What an idiot, he'll grow up one day and regret that, fact.

Obviously an idiot.
However, if you want to try to maintain contact which is very admirable of you for your child. I think unfortunately your best shot would be to praise/befriend him/ tell how good it would make him luck (I know this is the last thing you really want to do).
Nightmare but this is how Narcswork.

Believe it or not your Dd is lucky - don't get me wrong but I truely realise how devastating it is to know that your DF is too busy to be bothered but you cannot persuade a narc to do anything - they occupy a different place on this planet from normal reasonable people but he is doing your Dd a huge favour by having very little to do with her.

My x on the other hand continues to see his kids but the games he plays with me and them are never ending - I am just about to post yet another thread of my ongoing saga and the continual destruction to my life.

So sorry to hear that, green beret. Unfortunately, there are quite a few of us who are sadly familiar with the cruel games. I just feel grateful that we're no longer married and I don't have to live with and be made to feel responsible for those games any more.

My ex loved all the effort I spent encouraging him to see Ds. When I stopped he lost interest it was never about my Ds. I had hoped despite how he treated me he would step up and be a good Dad. However he never did. He hasn’t seen Ds for 7 years and at times my Ds has struggled with not having a dad but I think he is far more settled than he would be with him in his life.

I think we are pushed into feeling guilty when Dads have no contact . I don’t want my Ds with anyone who didn’t want to see him. Blood or not