Back Living with My Parents at 40!

[Nancy7791]

I am having a meltdown here. I am finding it very difficult to settle in my parents' house after being forced to move back with them (following an 8 yr relationship breakup) together with my 8 year old daughter and we keep having arguments.i told my parents I had no choice but to come back and they obviously took offence. My parents never liked my ex from day 1 so if i try and say anything about him in his favour they get very angry.he used to say they didn't like him and sent them insulting emails over the years.they said i can leave if i don't like it but they will never financially support me again. Some compassion rather than just financial support would help too but maybe they're playing victims coz of way they were ill-treated by my ex (and me sometimes as i went along with him) dad even emailed me article about charging adult children for rent! Yes, i am looking for work if you're wondering. Any advice?:( thanks.

Hi Nancy - I can sympathise, having moved back into my parents place (with hubby & two kids in two) at the age of 36. We were there for two years paying off some debt. It was rocky at first - I had to work very hard to make sure I didn’t fall into the trap of acting like I was a child again! It was hard not to act like a stroppy teenager when Mum or dad offered any advice. But what I kept in mind was that this was a stretch for them too, as much, if not more so than for us. They were making big sacrifices to fit us in and welcome us into their home. So trying to keep that gratitude top of mind helped. That and being out of the house helped too!

It's never going to be easy sharing living space when you are all used to something different. You need to sit down and talk it through properly with them, and be prepared to compromise and accept it's their house and their lives that have been put on hold for you. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean to be, it sounds like you've been through a rough time, but at 40 your parents deserve contribution to the rent, why would this be shocking? You've moved in and they have to accept so much change, increased costs, worry that their child is struggling, worry about impact on their granddaughter, arguments in the house, changed routines. maybe they just can't cope with it themselves? Youve also said they were ill treated by your ex, and yourself sometimes. Maybe they need to hear that you love and respect them, and appreciate just what an amazing thing they are doing for you, letting you move back in to their house. I'd be looking to move out asap if your not happy or make some changes quick that made sure your parents didn't feel used by offering rent, even if it isn't much, and having some open conversations about expectations. Be prepared to compromise ..not many people would do this for you, and as hard as it is for you, they feel that pain too.

Well they did say that they didn't want to support you financially. Providing a bedroom for you is financial support. I agree with your parents on the rent thing. Can you go to someone else? Or a refuge? Or kick your ex out of the house?

You do sound like you think you have a right to be there, when really you should be grateful. Try and be polite and gracious. Good luck finding a job.

You come across as entitled in your post.

You’re 40 years old, don’t work and don’t pay your parents any keep (who are good enough to take you in).

You talk about the fact that you had no choice but to move back in. You say your ex sent your parents insulting emails and your parents were misctreated by your ex and you. Have you apologised for how you treated them? No wounder they feel like victims - it sounds like you and your ex have treated them poorly.

Start treating them with some respect.

I wouldn't be impressed if I was your parents either, you sound terribly entitled and neither apologetic for how badly they have been treated nor grateful that they have put a roof over your and your child's heads.
Of course you should be paying them rent,why should they be covering your living costs?
If you aren't happy with what they are able to provide and if you want to be considered as an adult rather than a child in their home then you have to stop acting like a child, pay your way, help around the home or find yourself and your child somewhere else to live because I can guarantee that nowhere else is going to take you on rent free.

You did have a choice, council, friends, hostel etc you chose to go to your parents which is fine, however you do need to contribute towards rent.
You said ex and you treated parents badly so why would you say anything in his favour and be surprised that they don’t like it?
I’d suggest buying them dinner and saying thank you for taking you and daughter in and arrange what to pay them

I don't think the OP sounds entitled at all. She has every right to be treated with compassion after going through such a hard time. Most people make mistakes, especially when it comes to who they fall in love with. It must be really hard to live with parents again as an adult, there is no way could I do it.

When my daughter grows up I will make it clear to her that my door is always open and there will be no judgement from me if she makes mistakes.

OP - my advice would be to get a job as quickly as you can and get out of there. In the meantime, you will have to live with their rules, but ask them not to continually criticise a choice you made many years ago. You obviously made the right choice anyway, as without your ex they wouldn't have their grandchild.

Thanks for all your posts.yes i will definitely be contributing once i get a job which should be soon and i cook my own and my daughter's food plus clean up after me .NameChanger22 thanks for showing some compassion. My brother lived in their house rent free until he was 36 and he had a good job and no kids.last year he moved into my parents 2nd place together with his girlfriend RENT FREE and he eats at their house a few times a week and my parents go down and clean his place every now and again plus help with some of his groceries. so i am being treated like the black sheep coz of past mistakes.i did apologise.i think my dad accepted it but my mum won't talk to me.she just ignored me when i apologised.

Do you cook for your parents at all?
Do you clean up after them? If not, you should be doing both.
You should also be paying rent.

You are coming across like a mardy, entitled teenager, expecting your parents to welcome you home with open arms and not only to support you again financially and emotionally but to do without question or a word of complaint.

All the stuff about your brother is irrelevant - it's not showing you up in a good light by playing the "he's the favourite" game.

I realise you're having a tough time and it can't be easy for you but I think a change of attitude on your part might make things easier all round.

Surely you are claiming jobseekers, child tax credits and child benefit and maintenance from the ex for your dd so no reason to not be offering to contribute financially now.
Sounds to me like you and ex hurt your parents deeply if they are so generous to your brother tbh so instead of griping you should be trying to make amends IMO and be grateful that they have taken you in.

I had my daughter 28 or so living with her grandparents.
Make sure your room and the bathroom is always clean. Tidy up after yourself a l l t h e t I m e. Cook extra and help with gardening.
As a 60yr old, I’d expect my rebound child to be looking for work/updating resume daily. And as others have said contributing financially, cash in hand or a gesture such as paying the electric or gas or phone bill entirely.

Why aren't you paying rent and buying food from your benefits? You should be getting over £150 a week plus maintenance.

Well I don't blame them for getting annoyed when you mention your ex if he sent them insulting e-mails, and you 'went along with him'. Probably best not to mention him to them if it can be helped, that would have been very hurtful to them.

I think you should just thank your lucky stars that you have parents that are able to take in you and your DD, house and financially support you.

Get some advice and get your own place, you will feel so much better when you have your own home again.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/articles/get_a_place_to_stay_if_youre_homeless_and_on_the_streets

Have you thought about what it is like for them having you back there? You took up with an abusive man, allowed him to insult them and now expect them to provide for you. What are you doing for them? How are you showing your gratitude?