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Lone parents

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Original poster

He refused to bring him home

15 replies

choccybickie · 06/05/2007 09:44

My son 5 month son has contact with his father for 3 hours a week (he is allowed to visit him here but chooses not to) where he takes him away to his home 20 miles away. Yesterday he refused to bring him home and said I wouldn't get him back until I went for him. It's agreed through solicitors that if he takes him away he has to bring him back. Thing is I'm frightened to go to his house as his family are well known trouble makers and would possibly do something to me if I went there. I rang the police but they wouldnt do anything as there is no court order and he eventually brought him home 20 minutes late by which time I was hysterical. I now no longer feel I can trust him to take my son away as I dont believe he has his best interests in mind and I'm scared he will just decide to keep him one day. Any advice would be much appreciated x

OP posts:

littlemissbossy · 06/05/2007 09:51

What a tosser
Is this a regular thing? is so, I'd speak to a solicitor or try citizens advice
Sorry don't know what else to suggest, just keep this bumped up there are a few lawyers on mn who may be able to advise you better

sunnysideup · 06/05/2007 09:53

I think unless you and your ex can have some real, non-confrontational communication about this (which would be ideal) then you probably will have to look at taking this to court.

I have worked alot with separated families and those going through the court system and what I would say is that court is certainly no easy answer, so if you can possibly in any way at all communicate with your ex, that is far better than handing over the decision making about your child to other adults in the court system. It's horrible for people and is basically damaging to the child to know that their parents had to be made to agree in the courts...though your ds is too young for this to be a worry now. The court system usually only makes things worse too, as the system is adversarial by it's nature.

However I would say you need to consider it, as your ex has started to use your ds as a tool in his issues with you. Despicable.

flightattendant · 06/05/2007 11:51

OH MY GOD!!
I can barely believe that someone could do this. What is the current situation regarding the legal side/ parental responsibility, access etc. with this excuse for a man?
Sorry, I'm truly appalled.
I would definitely ring the police on their non emergency line, and ask for an incident number so that you have a record of your call to them and the reason why you had to do that.
I'm no expert but if someone did that to me there is NO way at all that I would let them take my child again - I would force them to go to court to drag the poor mite away from me.
You must feel so scared, I'm so sorry for you - what a position to be put in by your ex. It doesn't sound like he cares what his child, or you, have to experience. What a swine.
I'm bumping this in the hope you get some really good advice from someone who knows about the law on this sort of thing.
Hang in there and if you feel strong enough to refuse access until this has been sorted, please do...if he's ignoring a solicitor's agreement then he shouldn't be able to get away with it.
BIG >

Freckle · 06/05/2007 11:55

Does your ex have parental responsibility? Were you married?

As you are your ds's primary carer, you have final say about contact arrangements unless there is a court order in force saying something different.

I would write to your ex stating that, from now on, all contact will have to be supervised at your home. That he will not be able to take your ds away until such time as you feel you can trust him to return him on time. If he doesn't agree to that, stop all contact and wait for him to take court action.

Keep all communications in writing as much as possible and make sure all language used is reasonable and calm. You can use your letters as evidence that you have not tried to stop contact altogether, but have tried to ensure that your ds is safe and not at risk of being removed from your care.

divastrop · 06/05/2007 11:56

if it were me(and i have been in similar situations in the past)i would refuse to let him see his son.it sound like you may have already been through the legal channels,if access has been agreed through a soloicitor?if so then i would urge you to get on to your solicitor ASAP and explain what happened.maybe your ex should only be allowed supervised access?

does he have parental responsibility?

gigglinggoblin · 06/05/2007 12:15

my ex did similar, i refused to let him see ds unless he took me to court and got an order. he did, and then i let contact resume. i did not say he could not have any contact, just that i needed reassurance that he would come back. court did not think i was unreasonable

Tinkerbel5 · 06/05/2007 18:57

Oh my goodness choccybickie how awful, your ex has just proven that he cannot be trusted, and the sick thing is the asshole probably did it to upset you and enjoyed doing it.

This pathetic excuse for a man is playing games with you and using your 5 month old as some kind of weapon, stop him from taking your son from the house and either only allow him to visit him at your house, or dont allow any contact and let it go to court and go for supervised access only

Original poster

choccybickie · 07/05/2007 08:17

he does have parental responsibility even though we were never a couple i decided that its in my son's best interest to know his daddy so i put him on the birth certificate but thats came back to bite me.

He asks to change days and times almost every weekend. he just will not stick to any of the agreed terms of contact - infact he has broken them all on numerous occasions. I cannot trust him anymore to take my son away - i was always nervous weh he did so but now its 10 times worse.

I think he knows hes ruined it now and im sure 8 missed calls, 2 pissed voicemails and 7 text messages ordering me to give him his child today as 'his dad didnt see him when he had him' counts as harrassment.

OP posts:

Freckle · 07/05/2007 08:38

Keep a diary of all contact. Note when he's supposed to have your ds, whether he turns up, whether he changes the time at the last minute and keep copies of text messages and voicemails.

Try and keep all communications in writing now. Write to him setting out your terms for contact and ask him to agree. Point out that you are not prepared to have arrangements changed at the last minute and that all contact from now on must be supervised at your house. If his dad wants to see your ds, he will have to come to your house too. Make it clear that refusing to return your ds on time has destroyed any trust you had for him and he will now have to accept these terms.

Original poster

choccybickie · 07/05/2007 09:20

I've already got a diary kept since my son was 5 weeks old. Luckily we dont have much contact other than text and I have all of these stored on my phone. He will refuse to come and see him here, as this has always been an option for him but he wont, I was accused as this being because I wanted to be with him and spend time with him (!). I dont want to stop contact all together as he will be given access by a court eventually but my son will not know who he is by then. Maybe a contact centre is an option? Does anyone have any experience of them?

OP posts:

Tinkerbel5 · 07/05/2007 13:55

choccybickie having your ex's name of the birth certificate does not award him full parental responsibility, you would have to sign paperwork to that effect so you dont have to let him have the powers you think he might have.

I think you need to legal advice asap, I know you want your son to know his father, but that doesnt mean you have to put up with a load of crap thrown at you so he gets to see his dad, in fact I would go as far as to say it isnt in your sons best interest to see his dad, your ex uses him to get at you.

If you ex wants to see his son then he can do it round your house, the same goes for the extended family, seek guidance in getting supervised contacted sorted out and take it from there, good luck.

gigglinggoblin · 07/05/2007 14:12

he can apply for an emergency court hearing and get an interim court order if you agree, this can be done withing a week or two. it means the police will then back you up if he does not bring ds back. it also means he cannot keep being an arse about days and times. if you do end up going to court and you try to use this as evidence the court will prob want to know why you felt ok about him going back for contact now but are using it against him in future. when i went through court our local contact centre was pretty stretched so you might find it difficult to get time there

CarGirl · 07/05/2007 14:19

As ds was born only 5 months ago and your ex is on the birth certificate than as I understand it he does have parental respinsibility as the las changed in 2003.

divastrop · 08/05/2007 12:11

i would really urge you to stop contact alltogether untill it has all been sorted out legally and he is only allowed supervised access(which i really think you should insist on if hes harrassing you etc).honestly,IME,men like this sadly dont care about the child,they like to go on about their 'rights' etc but its more to prove that they are in control.men who genuinley love their children and dont want to lose contact with them after a relationship breakdown do not behave in this way as they know it will make things worse for them and is upsetting for their child/ren.

glitterfairy · 09/05/2007 07:58

Take Freckles advice chocky it is always good.

How awful for you and so unnecessary. I agree with the earlier post about the court system it is adversarial and makes things worse but if you are talking to someone who will not give any ground or see any other point of view but their own there is really no other way which is very sad.

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