Ex is mentally torturing our child

[Lightattheendofthetunnel1]

Myself and kids left the home at end of Nov, moved back to my parents. My ex has been telling our 6 year he still loves me, "mummy was shouting at me" and my child blames me. How can I explain to a child so young the reason without going into details. And how can I stop ex trying to still control me through our daughter?

You dont explain to him. Dont get further involved in this as it is abusive. What he is doing is abusive to your child. You cant help by adding your side because that puts more pressure on your child.

Record every time your child says anything like this and exactly what he says that his father has been saying.

I would first try and talk to the father calmly... maybe via email so you have a written copy of this... and state your concerns about what he is saying to your son and ask him to stop.

If it doesnt stop keep all evidence of this and report him to social services.
He shouldnt be having access to his child if this is what he is determined to do.

*sorry I put son instead of daughter!

Thanks for the reply.

His defence is he's only telling her the truth. My daughter is tormented and cannot deal with this. She is bottling it up and I know she blames me which is fair enough as I know she just sees that I moved them away from their dad.

i really don't want to involve social services but he is driving me through it.

He also will not give me adequate notice for contact. I didn't ask last week and kids went this weekend without seeing their dad, anything I suggest he's busy and doesn't suit, so that's why this week I left it. Kids losing out again!
Today he give me days for week ahead but a huge arguemebt began because he wants them over night on tues and I said it's too disruptive with school. He takes them
During the day while I work (he's off sick) but trying to get him to take weekends is like pulling teeth.

There's no quality of time during week as they have school.

I'm at my wits end, he's trying to dig his heels in, And it's only the children that suffer.

I'm waiting on mediation but there's an 8 week waiting list.

She said tonight she's afraid her dad is going to die because he is "sick"

He told her the reason he was off sick from work was because "it's a kind of sick you get when someone leaves you"

Unbelievable, but how can I just stop contact?

I think you need some professional advice about all this. What hes doing would be considered abusive. It will damage your daughter in the long run. Make a record of absolutely everything you can and speak to people who may be able to advise you better of what to do, like a teacher or your gp.
Im not sure if you would be wise to just stop contact altho I can understand why you want to... Hopefully someone with more experience will come and give you some advice on here soon!!

You should stop overthinking it. Work out, properly, what could be managed and what is in the best interest of the children. Why is it too disruptive mid-week for example if he can take them to school? Suggest a reasonable contact schedule, make sure you can accommodate it and then leave it to him. You're not responsible for his actions but you do have to show that you are being reasonable.

Thanks again.

He is trying to get to me through her. But he is also waiting on me saying no contact, to then play the victim.

He blames a third party for or spilt, and this is untrue, No one else involved. Hasn't been good from our youngest was born 2 years ago.

He's controlled me and everything that I done. I was prepared for the spilt from 2 years ago, he was not. I know he's still hurting but himself and his father cannot see that telling her "the truth" is as you say abusive.

I think you should follow winds advice. If he won't listen to you about just how cruel and wrong it is to try and involve a child you need to get an authority to tell him what a piece of shit he is.

No matter what the other parent has done it is never ok to burden a child with it, or to try and make them take sides.

The other alternative is to explain to your dd that if ever you or her father are talking to her or saying things that make her unhappy then it's ok for her to tell that parent she doesn't want to talk about it. Or a mutual friend, neutral family member who can tell him just how his selfish, childish behaviour isn't fair to his dd.

Light, I hear you and my heart is breaking for you. I have been through the exact same and let me tell you, the previous poster is right - this is abusive to your child and to you. It is also a total abdication of parental responsibility on his behalf. My ex did the same when my son wrote a story at school saying he wished his parents were not divorcing and his response was that he agreed with him. He told the kids that mummy didn't love him any more and when i challenged him he used the "it's the truth" argument. Forget the abuse I put up with with for years and the very bad choices he made that could have landed him in jail which of course the kids can't know about. In their eyes, I made him leave.
One piece of advice I can give is to draw up a schedule for visits and shared parenting time and make him stick to it. I was also dealing with his whims around when he fancied having the children and I put my foot down and mapped it all out for 4 months in advance and made him agree to it. We changed things if needed with discussion but otherwise the schedule was there and the kids knew what was what. I dont know how that fits with any legal processes as I didn't file for divorce until a while after and im in the US anyway so probably different. But it saved my sanity a little.
It's really tough and it will continue to be, but there is definitely light at the end. Stay strong.

Thnks for all the replies.

My heart is breaking for my daughter. I am struggling to deal with this as a 30 year old so can't even imagine what is going through her innocent mind.

He will not give me advance notice it's last minute. He's been off for over 2 months and once he goes back his shifts change each week so I honestly don't know when he will see them. But this last 12 weeks has shown that he doesn't give a damn. He could have taken them so much more than he has, but he is trying to run me into the ground with the 3 kids to make me crack.

I have wonderful supportive parents that have helped me stay calm and not react but it's been very difficult.

Thanks again everyone xx

My daughter has clubs during the week and isn't home until 8.30, she facetimed me one school at 10pm so that's when I stopped weekdays overnights. I've been dropping them up to him before school and he collects them and then I get them after work. This is on a weds and thurs. I suggested even a Sun/ mon night or thurs night when she doesn't have clubs and her homework is minimal. She actually got homework marked wrong under his supervision. The point also is that he is trying to force weekdays so he doesn't have
To take weekends as his shifts don't allow it, but he's been off for 12 weeks and this doesn't apply. The fact is, he doesn't want to allow me a social life and this was part of this controlling when I was with him.

It's all games and I won't allow him to dictate. If he gives me reasonable days I will consider but he is dictating to try and control me... this is one of the reasons I left.

@Light it's very hard I do understand. I think you have two issues, the abuse and the contact. This time is so bewildering for everyone and your children will be looking for answers. Would it be possible to speak to them yourself about what your ex is saying so that they understand that he is hurt but that they are not responsible for this and should ask him to stop, as pp said above?
With contact it's a bit more straightforward but you're not going to like it. You have to assume now that it's all down to you and that he will not share parenting. If you keep trying and hoping that he will be a good and caring father you will be subjecting yourself to years of anger and resentment. I think you are right on the money that he wants you to cut contact so that he can play the victim. Set the schedule and he turns up or he doesn't. Don't include the kids in the information so that they won't be all "daddy didn't show up' and always have a back up plan. I know it's hard and I know the future looks bleak when you first contemplate this but trust me it is the only way to keep your sanity and be free of his control.

Thanks @oham,

My dad said the same thing you did "I don't know what your expecting him to do this..." as he was very awkward during our relationship, he's clearly not going to just suddenly play ball.

I just find it very difficult to accept, that someone I loved, had kids with would want to intentionally make my life awkward and in turn, hurt his children, who adore him so much. It's the children that are breaking my heart.

Definitely stop him seeing her and contact Social Services. Go see a Solicitor that has 30 mins free. Some will send a letter for free. Send a letter to him ordering him to stop his behaviour or he will need to start proceedings.

This is emotional abuse towards your child. If you don't stop this, your parenting could be brought under question if, (god forbid) anything worse happened. You would be asked why on Earth you allowed her to continue to go to him.

In short, Social Services would expect you to cease contact (if they had a remit to give that kind of order) given what you've said in your OP. That much is definite.

An idea I read on mumsnet that might be useful: if he doesn't turn up then 20 minutes later go out and do something fun. He is not allowed to reschedule a missed time. And have the times planned at least a month in advance.
I think you are right about him not wanting you to have a weekend to go out!
All of what you have described I have been through. I don't know what the answers are. He is an abuser and will continue to be, failing to acknowledge his role. All you can really say to yourself is you have done the best you can in the situation by getting out of it. You cannot control his actions and the children will definitely suffer but one day not too far off they will have their own opinion and choose to see him or not.
Do your very best to keep any opinions about his behaviour to yourself - children find one parent criticising another so hurtful and difficult (as you see for yourself the way your children are suffering because he is unable to act as a responsible parent with their interests, not his, in mind).

I think you are better off assuming that he will not look after the children on the weekends. Maybe a friend or your parents could babysit for you sometimes, or you could invite people round. But expecting him to suddenly start being a decent parent will just cause you more heartbreak and there is no means of compelling a NRP to pull their weight.

Sometimes as a parent, we are so careful about not badmouthing the other parent to the children that we go to the other extreme of making them out to be wonderful. Try not to do that either.

No advice about your little girl, but it is still early days for her. My dgd hasn't seen her father since the beginning of December and it is still painful for her.

Im keeping this in this thread incase it's searched for.

Myself and partner bought a caravan. The deal was £3k £1800 for caravan and £1200 for the ground rent a year up front. My dad has a receipt stating this, one month later my ex took out a personal loan and repaid my father £1800. We paid ground rent, all bills joint, but our personal debt and car insurance we paid on our own.

My ex is saying he owns the entire caravan and I have no right of it? My dad isn't willing to lie that my ex gave him the £1800
But my father put in a bathroom suite, floors and other diy.

He's threatening to take me court to throw me out. The site manager said as far as she is aware, my father owns it as all dealings have been with him?

What do you's think? Surely I had a financial interest and so did my dad?

Sorry my dad paid initial £3k then month later ex paid £1800. But receipt was issued to my father.